Bad Questions to Ask a Transsexual + "Stunning": Calpernia Addams.
Calpernia Addams is the star of the subversive new competitive dating show "Transamerican Love Story" -- following on Mark's post, this seems like an apropos moment to point to her hilarious how-not-to video about rude questions transgendered people are often asked. The video's a little long, but it's full of great material, and highly edumacational. Thumbs up.
When you're done with that -- brace yourself, whore, you're about to get a stunning. (thanks, Andrea James!)
interesting post, it brings up a question that ive been meaning to ask for some time now..
i enjoy Xeni's posts and her work on tv, but have frequently come across articles and/or posts that say that Xeni is a transexual. I know it doesnt make a difference, but is she infact a transexual?
i dont recall ever seeing her mention this.
thanks.
@xxxxxx -- I am not, but it's kind of pathetic that people still consider that to be an insult, and ask the question with the intent of somehow offending or causing harm. So, yeah, I'm not, but fuck those guys for hating on transgendered people in the first place.
1 more question, why do transsexuals who make informative web videos take 2:30 minutes to get to the point?
and re: XXXXXX...
no matter what, Xeni is hot! Let's try not to forget all the lessons we just learned.
Oh boy, so the over-the-top you're-a-moron voice just riled up the rules lawyer (RL) in me.
Q: Don't be offended, but...
A: It's offensive! I'm not interested in educating you!
RL: Well, you're a transsexual. We don't see a lot of you. What did you expect, no curiosity at all?
Q: Did it hurt?
A: "An-es-thesia", dumb-dumb!
RL: "Un-in-ten-ded in-tra-op-er-a-tive a-ware-ness".
Q: What was your "real" name?
A: Calpernia, dumbass!
RL: I know a few transsexuals, and their names mostly come from feminizations or masculinizations of their previous legal names. WTF does "Calpernia" come from? It's not exactly a common name, so I'd really like to know. Dumbass.
I guess I could go on. Hey Calpernia... you're not common! We have questions! Get used to it!
Robert, there's such a thing as realizing that trans people are people, not exhibits for your education.
nothing to be done for it but time. Patience and strength to those who have to put up with it.
It's easy to see why Ms. Addams has to backhand people occasionally. The Bad Questions video is well worth the 16:37.
And Robert, transpose your idiocy to another paradigm: "Wow, I've never met a negro before! Do you really have a huge penis?" It doesn't sound so good like that, does it?
I agree with Robert. Last time I stopped a black man and asked him what is was like to be a lazy criminal who loved certain foods and he got all upset and I still didn't understand what the big deal is.
that's because you didn't begin by calling him "bro"
Xeni and the Boingboing crew,
Thank you so much for posting this, you made my day!
It is a great video, funny and smart.
trans rights are feminist rights and human rights - and for all the people that don't get that, please re-watch the video, and pay attention this time
Roger - uniqueness on our part, does not justify a total lack of tact on your part. We are perfectly aware that most people will be curious about us, but curiosity does not give anyone legitimate license to neglect the rules of basic human decency and good manners.
Questions about a person's sex life, their anatomy, medical history, family relations - these are not topics typically considered open for casual conversation. Unless you are a person's doctor, lover or therapist, you do not ask them the details of their genital structure, or whether their father beat them, or what medications they're on.
Unless you are talking to your super-best-friend with whom you already share such intimate details, these are *not appropriate questions to ask.* Just because we're trans, doesn't make us exempt from such basic a consideration of polite human interaction. Basically, if I don't already know what the last STD you got was, you don't get to ask about my bits.
You're curious? Tough. I'm sure many people are curious how someone paralyzed from the waist down has sex, but I certainly hope you would never casually ask a disabled aquaintance for the gritty details of their love lives.
And of course, when someone asks a trans person "what's your REAL name", it's probably a safe bet they're not thinking "what is the etymology of Calpernia?" If they were, they would ask something more like "That's an interesting name - what does it mean?"
Concerning surgery - this is always an idiotic question. We're talking about major abdominal surgery. Of course it hurts. If you wake up mid-way, it's going to hurt a whole lot. With competent medical care and a bit of luck, appropriate medication keeps the pain manageable. Anyone not dumber than a sack of hammers can figure out that an appendectomy will hurt unless properly medicated - this is no different.
I fucked up before, now I can't really undo it. Other than to say I'm sorry. Not much more to be said.
I understand the idea of bad questions, but I am sure this doesn't apply to me. So please excuse me if this might be offensive, it is not meant to be. But what is "Calpernia Addams" real name?
I have to admire him for going through with the surgery, it must have hurt. Now if he would just include some pictures of his genitals. How about both before and after.
Let me know if I can help, I know some gay men that are looking for dates.
Robert, most of the MtF transwomen I know (including myself!) have a name that's got nothing in common with the phonemes of their old name. Some have names that come from their family (maybe even the one they would have been given if their birth genitals matched the gender identity they wound up with), some have names that honor something or someone important to them, some have exotic names taken from, say, Shakespeare by way of the Addams Family.
"Where did your name come from?" is a significantly different question from "What's your REAL NAME?". I've had people who knew my old name try to use it as a bludgeon during arguments, in hopes of getting me off-balance - and until you've gained a measure of confidence in your change, it does hurt, badly.
People often ask me about the "real parents" of the adopted children in my family. Or even occasionally "where did she come from/what nationality is she/what country is she from" when talking about my daughter, who was born in the same hospital as my biological son, about 20 miles away.
I try to take it easy on them. They don't mean any harm, and it's not like I never said anything tactless.
I do usually say stuff like "uhm, I feel real. Do I not look like a real parent to you?" and "she's American. What country are you from?" but always with a big grin.
--Charlie
Okay. "Dr Benway" has now made that joke. It was bound to be made ... once.
Noen, let it be forgotten.
I don't get why the title has quotation marks around stunning.
I'm sure it's just because I don't pay enough attention and I missed something but, damn, she's hot. She needs no quotation marks.
Hey kids! I do VERY much wish I had edited down the beginning so that this video got to the point much more quickly. I improvised the whole thing from a list I had written and then rush-edited it so that I could go to bed, never thinking it would become popular. Once it was on YouTube, I didn't want two versions confusing everyone.
This video is my humorous was of making a point. In real life, I respond to questions a lot more compassionately as long as I can sense kindness in the questioner. All the same, after more than a decade I am sick of the questions and would prefer people just look this stuff up on the internet. In any case, many people who watch this video seem to miss the fact that I pretty much answer most of the questions right in the video anyway.
But dumb questions or not, I still love you all! =)
Great video. And sorry if this is a bad question but why does she go to gay bars?
@Anonymous 17, "Stunning" is the title of the music video by Calpernia also linked to in this blog post. But yes, she is stunning without quotation marks, as well.
@CalperniaAddams, you rule.
If you meet a transsexual who appears (on the surface, anyway) halfway through the transition, and you honestly can't tell whether they're a man becoming a woman or vice versa-- how do you go about asking what pronoun to use?
I got around this by privately asking the person who introduced me, but it just doesn't seem like there's any polite way to do it...
I have a few gay friends that have some peculiar tastes, that is for a straight guy like myself. I learned that when my one of those friends told me a man with hair on the inside of his forearms is the sexiest things he could think of on a man that I would never understand his version of being gay. I kind assume transgendered folk are the same. No matter how many questions I ask, I'll never get it. Why not just not ask, accept it, and move on?
Calpurnia
was the name of Caesar's wife. Yes, THAT Caesar, "Beware the ides of March" and "Friends, Romans, countrymen". Not a common name today although I have known two Calpurnia's (both from the south).
how do you go about asking what pronoun to use?
I usually address people with 'you'. Maybe 'thou' at the Renaissance Faire.
An outstanding video. Tackling tough "questions" for an important issue--done with style, grace, and humour. Just tongue-in-cheek enough to get the point across. What more could one ask for?
Thank-you, Calpernia!
I am finding the round and unanimous condemnation of the "curious" in this thread (Robert, in specific) to be somewhat unrealistic and undeserved.
Let's face facts:
- TG people *are* uncommon
- The change is a prominent and visible one
- The decision to transition is not one that is understood by a great many people
- People tend to fear (or worse, react badly towards) that which they do not understand
So, obviously, the correct course of action here is to brand the inquisitive as somehow backwards or evil, and deny them the ability to seek education from those most qualified to disperse it?
"You're curious? Tough!" is, in my opinion, completely inappropriate, unrealistic, and discourteous in its own right. It assumes that there is some kind of crime being committed by those who's curiosity is piqued by the sight or presence of the transgendered. Getting angry that other people might show some curiosity towards the appearance of such a highly-visible body modification makes little sense; it would be like a person getting angry about having to explain a prominent but enigmatic forehead tatoo.
Such attitude is, to my eyes, irrational. Certainly, I would think that the only *sane* expectation *would* be curiosity, possibly inquiry, when others are faced with such a visibly distinct body modification. For my part, I don't have to pepper the Tgs I've met with questions, because I was good friends with one long ago who has for the most part answered any questions I might have had. I was informed that with some, it can be a sensitive issue, and from that point forth I have always done my best to use the correct pronouns and treat a transgendered individual as simply another person. But before that point, I didn't know to do so, and I never once felt a flush of shame (nor do I think there is any reason to feel such) with asking questions of a person who has undergone this sort of transformation.
I once asked frankly about the sex life of a man I'd met earlier in the day who informed me that he always sat to pee (due to having a Prince Albert piercing); was that also rude? I don't think so. After all, the man brought it up.
While I understand that it can be annoying and possibly painful to have to field some questions repeatedly, I have to protest the branding of those bearing questions as somehow "rude" or lacking in "tact". Common curiosity is not a fault; keeping everyone in the dark about it is considerably more problematic.
@Vorpalsword - in almost all situations, you can avoid using a pronoun altogether by using the person's name. If you really need to use one, just ask the person in a polite tone - "Sorry, what's your gender identification?" and then get on with it.
@Skatanic - I'm a mostly straight girl and sometimes go to queer bars. I'm also a mostly white girl and sometimes go to Indian restaurants. It can be helpful to break down this idea of "biological gender = gender identity = sexual orientation = sexual behavior", because there's no link in that chain that doesn't fall apart for a whopping amount of people.
@Enochrewt - Let's not forget that regular old heterosexuals can have peculiar tastes too, which can be just as baffling. Sexual diversity abounds.
Common curiosity is not a fault
In a world....where Google does not exist....
with a government....that has banned Wikipedia....
you might get away with that. You being too lazy to look shit up is not an excuse to ask people questions about their crotches.
re: #1 0 WTf! On the one hand, Xeni is so gorgeous I can't imagine anyone mistaking her for trans. On the other hand, Calpernia is also a stunning lady. So I'm with Xeni in her response, what's wrong with being trans?
Why are so many men so afraid of anything other than cookie cutter templates?
- Christopher
... who feels his fellow leatherfolk should be the protectors/enforcers of the alt-sex crowd - after all, we have all the appropriate toys for it
@Worlord - as Calpernia herself said in the comments, if she senses that the person is kind she's usually understanding.
The problem here isn't curiosity. Nobody saying you aren't allowed to be curious. The problem here is entitlement. Transgendered people, just for making a very personal life choice, are not obligated to educate you or satiate your curiosity. You are not entitled to personal information about them. They do not owe you an answer or an education. Choosing not to tell you deeply personal information about their genitalia, their sexual identity, or their medical history is not "keeping you in the dark"; it's exercising their right to privacy. If you're really that pained that they won't tell you, do a Google search and educate yourself.
On "real" names (and "real" parents etc.): If you've achieved the level of intimacy required to ask "what was your name before the change," you can ask in those terms. Otherwise the best answer is "if I wanted you to know, I'd tell you."
Is 'Xopher' my "real" name? Well, yes, insofar as internet interactions are real. It's the name I'm known by in several places. It happens that there are people who call me that in meatspace as well, but that's not relevant to my point. Please note that the idea that internet interactions are to be contrasted with "IRL" (for In Real Life) causes a lot of very bad internet behavior.
If you ask me what my legal name is, I'll tell you if I want you to know. In my case, my legal name and my birth name are the same thing, but that wouldn't be true if I had changed my name--for marriage, or because I didn't like my father, or because I wanted to be called Wimbling Dogbody, and who are you to judge?
I have a friend who has three fathers: the abusive monster who raised him until age 7, the kind-but-slightly-wacky gentleman who adopted him after that, and his biological father, who he never heard of until a few months ago. Which is his REAL father? I insist on calling his adoptive father his real father, even though that sometimes leads to confusion. I don't think that highly of that gentleman, but he's the only one who ever acted as a father acts to my friend, and is the closest thing to a real father he's ever had. Better than many fathers, in fact.
The word 'real' is just so massively loaded, in virtually every context, that using it generally causes more harm than good. If you feel you have the right to ask the question at all, ask it specifically, avoiding terms that make it more offensive than it has to be--like the word 'real'.
who feels his fellow leatherfolk should be the protectors/enforcers of the alt-sex crowd
I can always use a hero.
and whatnot
Personally I found the saccharine/vitriolic tone of the video (while perfectly understandable) a bit off-putting. After all, (from my perspective) the likely viewers of such a video are those who are cautious enough about their behavior to watch a 16min video tutorial in order to avoid giving offense.
Perhaps it's because I grew up around transgendered folk, but it all seemed pretty common-sense to me, and I can't honestly say I learned much of anything, though I suppose it's some comfort that I haven't been making some sort of hideous, invisible gaffe.
As for Xeni, I agree that it's a ridiculous putdown in this day and age. She's a quite lovely, brilliant woman by any measure, and either way it matters not in the slightest.
(the only situation I think it might make a difference would be if one were in the position of dating her--which I would imagine is a vanishingly tiny demographic, more's the pity)
@#21: The polite thing to do is to simply use his or her name when referring to them in the third person, rather than a pronoun. In some cultures referring to someone by a pronoun in their presence is terribly rude, whatever the gender.
@ #25 WorLord -
I think what most folks are talking about here is just common manners. As you said you had a friend you could pepper with questions. My guess is most TG's don't sweat answering questions from people they care about. But having a drunk frat boy or the person that moved into your neighboring cubicle ask you about your genitals would be out-of-line.
We're all curious, or we wouldn't be here looking through Boingboing's comments. I still have lots of questions for people with disabilities or from non-mainstream religions, but I'm certain they won't get answered the next time I sit next to blind guy on the subway.
Is it time to repost the centaur on a job interview video?
If and when science gets to the point that it could make me into a really hot girl without much trouble and then make it easy reversible (because I like being a man, too!) then I am all about it. I think having a woman's body would be amazing, but I'm just not ready to commit.
benway: you're a moron. Learn if you wish to and have the capacity. In the interim, try to minimize the harm you do.
Noen: if you have done evil and learned the difference, that is enough. We all never get it totally right.
I have in my hovel a painting. Some beach stones in acrylic, multi-coloured and random on a field of white, the canvas slowly yellowing with inexorable time like the sea that shaped them. A gift from a young woman years ago. She's gone now. A mysterious illness took her - with many, many others.
Rachel was born Rick, I met her by chance and was impressed with a spirit still capable of both self respect and love and regard for others in the face of overwhelming adversity and and an ignorant, hostile and needlessly abusive world.
All she ever wanted to was live the life others are born to and take for granted. No riches,no fame, no power, just do her art and walk down the street like any citizen,unmolested, respected as a human and free to find her own love and family.
She died. If the stigma that prevented timely recognition of a new plague and condemned millions
to an early grave had not flourished under the shadow of social fear and prejudice, that need not have been so.
I don't know if this makes sense to others or not but I can sort of identify with Calpernia's problems, wait for it... having been a person from Kansas living in NYC. obviously it's not the same.
However, when certain people would learn that boring bit of information, they would often follow with many stupid questions and belittling comments. It was as if suddenly finding out that I'm from a "fly-over state" meant something about me that gave the other person an upper hand. I worked with a guy in a restaurant who thought it was cool to call me "Kansas" no matter how many times I told him not to. After all I have an actual name. This guy has a total Napoleon complex and was very close to getting punched on a few occasions. The fact that I'm from Kansas does not define me. The fact that this guy is a jackass does define him.
Conversely the same is true for TGs and the people that bother them.
As for pronouns, I always opt for the one that they want to be. So I would refer to Calpernia as he or she out of respect. I try to use the generic "you" when I'm not sure. Because to me, there's few things that I regret more than getting something like that wrong and hurting an innocent person feelings.
@Takuan "you're a moron"
Ouch! Maybe I should have included a </sarcasm> tag. My experience has been that the alt community has a sense of humor. I sure did not mean to make light of Ms Addams. But can't I be snarky in response to such a snarky video?
@WorLord, condemnation of the "curious" (and learning as well)
I think the main thing here is to not see someone different as an object of curiosity. That is just plain rude. At the same time, we all get curious about the choices people make regarding their sexuality. Be curious about the person, not the sexuality. Invite them over for dinner. Get to know them, spend time talking about the things we all talk about. Work, sports and the rest. Slowly, the conversation may drift over to the choices we all make, in their variety and complexity. If your curiosity is genuine and sincere, a real conversation may follow. And here I am not being sarcastic.
This just reinforces my perception that transgenderism isn't about the private life of the person in question, but rather about putting everyone else into predefined boxes.
Don't tell me what being a man/woman or straight/gay should mean to me.
"@Dr. Benway: The problem here isn't curiosity. Nobody saying you aren't allowed to be curious. The problem here is entitlement. Transgendered people, just for making a very personal life choice, are not obligated to educate you or satiate your curiosity. You are not entitled to personal information about them."
I agree, in theory. In practice is where I think this falls completely apart. I don't think I'm amiss in saying that you, too, have an unreasonable sense of entitlement.
Transgendered people have indeed made a life choice, and usually for _personal reasons_. That, we agree on. But I balk at alling it a very _personal life choice_. It isn't personal; in fact, what is arguably the largest part of it is very _public_: one now goes out into the world, to interact with the public, as a member of the opposite gender. Like the analogy involving the prominent and enigmatic tattoo on the forehead (which may _also_ have been done for personal reasons), the choice itself ceases being "very personal" when it is visible, through or on top of clothing, from across the street.
Look, I'm down with anyone changing his/her gender (or getting a piercing, or new breasts, or [insert_mod_here]) in order to further his/her sense of self, or belonging, or identity or happiness, or even (and especially) for the heck of it. I won't treat anyone differently for that, and I certainly won't treat anyone who does any of those things negatively. I am vocal in my condemnation of anyone who would treat someone as less because they saw fit to modify themselves.
But I do think it needs to be said that a person who does something like this doesn't automagically have the right to expect the rest of the human race to suppress what is a near-instinctual reaction. You don't get to re-write the basic rules of human nature. It is madness to expect people to be blase about something that is, for most of them, a very visible and radical alteration. It is _going_ to raise eyebrows and inquiries. It is _going_ to grab comments from, as a poster said, "drunken frat boys".
And just because its not a reaction you, personally, welcome, doesn't give you the right to deem an expected and natural reaction as "rude" or "lacking in tact". (Excempting, of course, edge cases like frat boys.)
Not everyone is a TG; not everyone knows one, and not many people are going to spontaneously "look it up;" and honestly, I'm not sure putting the onus on everyone else is the correct path towards harmony and acceptance.
(The poster Antinous especially embodies this sense of entitlement. My only response is with reactions like that, its small wonder that people shy away or become "rude". Your post was also beside the point, because google and wikipedia are great with handling "what" and "how," but not so much with handling "why".)
"My experience has been that the alt community has a sense of humor."
Understood. Please also understand that this is a public place.
Look at my track record for publicly stamping on the face of organized religions. Do you imagine for a moment me cornering a pious Italian great-grandmother and lecturing her on the crimes of the priesthood? I may be a monster, but I strive to be a monster with some manners.
Words have power. Words kill. Words give life.
I imagine that the stupid questions would be less annoying then the constant behind your back judging that a transsexual endures, particularly those that are not "passing." I was involved in a surgery (rhinoplasty) for a young woman who was just beginning the process of transitioning, and I was amazed how unprofessional even her doctors and nurses could be. It seems like it must be a difficult road to walk, and to do it must take a phenomenal amount of strength of will!
Well, I admit that most of those questions are rude. I suppose if you were answering them for the first time, the right thing to do would be to be more polite, and explain to whoever was asking that the question does make you uncomfortable and try to move the conversation elsewhere, especially away from that person.
I have albinism, which is another highly visible but uncommon human trait, and get asked about it maybe two or three times a year. I dno't mind answering questions most of the time; the most uncomfortable part of it is that I often have to explain the handicap that comes with it, which is less visible. Some people, on the other hand, are so hugely bothered by it that they've printed up "encounter cards" that they hand to people as a way of saying "read the FAQ".
These cards never contain the word "dumbass".
I know one TG through a friend on a social networking website (never met). He's FTM and gets laid more often than me. And I knew him before he came out as TG, and was just passing as lesbian. When he did come out, he got a new profile for that identity. He pointed out that, after the math worked out, he was just a straight guy, so I took his word for it. And if I ever talk to him about TG issues, which is super-rare, I make it very clear that I'm talking about my own perspective as a non-TG straight guy trying to make sense of the world. I think the one question I asked him is whether he was generitcally XX or XY. The answer: XX. And it's these kinds of questions, and answers, that make it possible for someone like me to challenge my motion of what defines a gender.
But here's why I'm really contributing to this thread: I can name three men who wrote video games in the 1980's and then became women, in that order. I'm sure it's just a coincidence, but it does seem kind of too much to be a coincidence. It's not like I can name three albinos classic video game programmers, or three transgender physicists.
I watched Jamie Fenton, the creator of Gorf, speak at Classic Gaming Expo '98. She and her voice were both six feet tall, so I had to make the conscious choice not to jump to conclusions. But then she showed some old film footage of her old self demonstrating Gorf 2, and the cat was out of the bag. She jokingly referred to him as "her brother", and I think the audience laughed and was then free to concentrate on the gameplay footage. In the time since, I learned that the landmark Atari 800 game MULE was written by Dan Bunten, who then became Dani Bunten, and Will Wright dedicated The Sims to her memory. And when I looked up Shamus, one of my mother's favorite games, I found out that the author, William Mataga, became Cathryn Mataga, and she and Fenton have both continued to work in the video game and related industries.
Worlord, what exactly are you going at such length about? No one said, either in the video or the comments, that it was inappropriate to be curious, or to engage a transgender person in a respectful conversation about their transition if your personal relationship or the context allowed it. What's being said is that it's inappropriate (and yes, rude) to ask certain questions, and attempts have been made to clarify why those questions are particularly troublesome.
You seem to think that "personal" and "private" and "completely concealed from public view" are all synonyms, when they're clearly not. Just because something is visible doesn't mean that it's completely available for public discussion. You bring up analogies like piercings and tattoos, but those are also inappropriate because they're purely ornamental ... this would be a lot more analagous to starting a conversation with a woman you don't know very well about the size of her breasts and how much pubic hair she has. And if you can think of any other context in which it's appropriate to ask a casual acquaintance about major surgery you assume they've had on their genitals, I'd really like to know what it is.
It's equally ridiculous to claim that behavior can't be rude if it's not intentionally so ... rudeness is determined by the reaction and the context, not simply the intent of the original actor. Between close friends, casual obscenity, off-color jokes, and even physical violence might be completely accepted and seen as playful and affectionate, but the same people wouldn't behave that way towards their grandparents, or people they've just met. As another example, there are lots of gestures that are innocuous in one culture but extremely offensive in another. When you accidentally gesture "fuck you" instead of "okay," people's first reaction will be to get offended no matter what you meant.
Ideally, they'll educate you gently about your mistake rather than react with hostility ... kind of like what this video is attempting to do.
P.S. I understand that TG's probably get questions way more than albinos do, hence the "attitude" getting turned up. I probably didn't make the point clearly enough that outsiders, even those who attempt to consider the "FAQ problem", can't fathom its magnitude. Not even me, and not even after having being asked repeatedly about my pubic hair.
The poster Antinous especially embodies this sense of entitlement. My only response is with reactions like that, its small wonder that people shy away or become rude.
Worlord,
How big is your dick? Are you cut or uncut? How big are your nuts? Can you post a link to pictures of your genitalia? My natural curiosity is piqued. Since you've made it perfectly clear that rude curiosity must be indulged, we're all waiting for the details.
no,no...really... I do NOT need to know....
Tak-kun,
Given last night's comments, we should all be asking YOU those questions. Would you like to address your queue?
The theme of so many of these posts is, "If I have decided that you are a freak, it's my god given right to disregard all social conventions and cause you misery in order to satisfy my idle fanboy curiosity." I also bet that the guys who ask to see the new girl-parts aren't nearly so eager to ask gay men for details on how sodomy works. Selective 'natural' curiosity.
what? Moi???
What does a little black textiles and cordage have to do with anything? Migods, think of what if Parliament had to respond to such!!
Bottom line: people who think they are in a position of superior power think they have the right to ask any question.
The only exception is children.
So. If you find you have asked someone a question of trespass; ask yourself: are you acting as a child? or a slave - holder?
And remember what happens to Ole Massa come the War.
@1 - By virtue of your comment's location in the lineup, and the earnestness and utter lack of malice in your question, my eyes fell on your comment first; I've been thinking about it for twenty minutes, lividly. Xeni's reply is succinct and great, but this is something worth talking about further.
Let's do some quick Gender Studies 101: It is so difficult for a woman, no matter how feminine, to flourish in a male-norm environment, in an occupation that is, for want of an easier word, patriarchal. From politics to stand-up comedy to writing, women basically need to 'wear pants', or otherwise conceal their sex, simply to be taken at face value. And to be genuinely funny, for instance, you have to play by certain male norms (for this reason, maybe, 'chick flicks' aren't really all that funny, because there's no male normative humor there). Some women are able to straddle male norm humor while continuing to play up their own femininity (Sarah Silverman; Amy Sedaris), but a lot of funny ladies 'ring butch,' if you will. They shouldn't, of course -- they're just doing a job well.
For women and men both, it's intimidating to see a woman who does her 'male' job justice. So people scramble to defuse the dissonance. In my tiny borough of the internet, people have called me a man outright. For a long time, a former coworker repeatedly insinuated that I am a lesbian (another great line was, "Play dumb; see how it works for you"). When women are so smart, so proficient that they color themselves as 'bitchy' or as 'castrating' -- and here, the metaphor is made manifest, because some men find themselves, if a woman is too witty or too literate, 'dickless' -- the one real comeback at a man's disposal is, invariably, a jab at the offending woman's own femininity. Calling her out on her sexual preference, or implying she was secretly born with a penis, or otherwise alluding to a woman's innate masculinity, is the shortest shorthand for saying 'you don't intimidate me; you're just a dude anyway.' Which itself is loaded with bigger issues like 'if you were really female, you'd work harder at feminizing yourself and making me feel a little more comfortable and manly, here.'
Above, someone remarked that all trans issues are touched by feminism issues, and I really hold that to be true. How does my little rant -- apart from being something I myself am sore about, mostly thanks to the internet being what it is -- figure into Ms. Addams' video? A lot of the questions cataloged among her What Not to Ask have everything to do with people belittling her by suggesting that she is, for all her efforts and her talents, still a man. Yes, this is how men belittle women. Hell, it's how women belittle women ("she wouldn't be so pretty without all that makeup" comes to mind).
And seeing as sex, sexuality, and gender are all sliding markers on a continuum, what Xeni originally typed holds true: Fuck anyone who thinks they're making an insult.
someone remarked that all trans issues are touched by feminism issues
Hell yeah!
Jennfrank
Thank you
@jennfrank, a-to-the-motherfucking-men.
There is only one big question I`d like to ask a transsexual... And thankfully it wasn`t on the list. Though I still can`t imagine asking it randomly the first time I met someone.
Since there seem to be some people in the know here who might be inclined to answer, I`ll toss it up. It applies rather privately to my life, so be nice.
As a parent, what would be a good way of letting your child know that you`d be accepting of their transsexualism?
If my son (who we`ve been told due to medical issues has a much higher than average chance of really being a daughter) doesn`t identify with his genetic gender... I don`t want him to feel that I wouldn`t be supportive. On the other hand, I don`t really want to go around saying "If you`re a girl, it`s ok!"
The first thought that comes to mind when I`m told that someone is transsexual is that it must have been pretty awful to be stuck in a body that didn`t reflect their true gender. I am pretty sure that I was aware of my gender from quite a young age, and I imagine it`s no different even when gender isn`t the same as genetics... I would like to minimize the pain/frustrations if that is the case with my son. I never gave it much thought as I`m genetically female to begin with, but I have to wonder how early a child knows it`s gender.
Just random rambling, but if anyone wants to give some advice, I`d be thankful.
very early.watch, be patient, assume nothing, be easy.
@Porori
Thanks for your post,
I'd say love and support your son in all things, and maybe offer some examples of non traditional gender acceptance for him to see. There are some great kids books about non-traditional available through nickname press or look here:
http://ccb.lis.uiuc.edu/bibliographies/lgbt_oct2004.html
also your town probably has community resources for LGBTQ families, and they could help.
Good luck, and your son is lucky to have you!
Porori,
When I was 18, my mother just said to me one day, "Are you gay or what?" It was awkward for ten minutes, then it was done.
My cousin, on the other hand, despite never having lived more than ten miles from her parents, is still in the closet to them at 52.
If there are medical issues, the subject has to come up anyway. Just be age-appropriate honest. If you're well intentioned, it's pretty hard to screw it up.
She says some things that need to be said. But really, she could do without the condescension and sarcasm.
When I read the story of this woman's life I was overwhelmed with compassion. How anyone can go through those trials and wind up so lovely, full of life and funny is beyond my capacity to imagine.
I have the capacity to be one of those thoughtless dumb asses, and I hope I always remember not to be.
Thanks to everyone who helped to share this.
Calpernia, you ARE stunning. I'd buy you a steak anyday. Thank you for the insight.
@jennfrank, good call on the interplay between trans issues and feminist issues. I've had a man call me a lesbian because I turned him down (and probably because I have short hair) - as if no straight woman would reject a scuzzy guy who has nothing better to do than hang around outside the Camden train station hitting on anything with boobs. (Not that I care if someone thinks I'm a lesbian, but I do object to someone thinking they're entitled to sex just for asking... or to someone thinking I have such low standards!)
I don't think that chick flicks are unfunny because they don't meet some sort of "male normative" humor, though. For one, I laugh at the same stuff as my straight male friends - who admittedly don't tend to find the git-er-done, dumb-and-dumber style of humor funny either - so I'm not sure there is any such thing. But what makes chick flicks unfunny (especially when they're supposed to be "romantic comedies") is nothing but lazy bad writing - they don't bother to write them well, because the studios will make them, and people will go see them, regardless.
Admittedly, I hate most chick flicks, and not just because I'd rather watch something with swordfights. I find the conventions of large parts of the genre outright sexist. Women should care more about finding a man than any other facet of their life? A woman HAS to look pretty all the time? Sheer persistance will always win a woman, no matter how much she originally hates you? [sarcasm]Thanks SO much for your contributions to feminism, Julia Roberts and Meg Ryan![/sarcasm]
, she could do without the condescension and sarcasm."
if you only knew how patient she was being
But really, she could do without the condescension and sarcasm.
Would it not then be a dry etiquette instruction video that nobody wants to watch?
as Hedwig had it;
the origin of love
When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,
Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love.
It was before the origin of love.
The origin of love
And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They were part sun, part earth
Part daughter, part son.
The origin of love
Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,
"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,
Like I killed the giants."
And Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightening, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire
And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly
To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping round on one foot
And looking through one eye.
Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love.
WorLord: But I do think it needs to be said that a person who does something like this doesn't automagically have the right to expect the rest of the human race to suppress what is a near-instinctual reaction.
The angry part of me that made this video after a decade of responding politely through clenched teeth wants to say that a major point of this video is: The human race can have whatever instinctual reaction it wishes to me, I don't expect or care either way. Just don't bug me with it. Nothing anyone can say will convince me that I don't have the right to feel hurt and annoyed at intrusive questions from strangers, no matter how curious they are.
The real me, the "whole" me, tries to be nice to everyone, and has spent a long time as an advocate for and educator on trans issues. But this video was a fun venting of steam, to finally be honest about the way people have made me feel.
I am an actress, and this video features my somewhat deadpan comedic style. I'd hope people would understand that the "condescension and sarcasm" I exhibit in this performance is for comedic effect. I'd never use that style when actually educating or conversing with average people. If you're curious about the way I really talk and act when I'm speaking as myself, look at my response video to the "Bad Questions" video, below it on the YouTube page.
"Would it not then be a dry etiquette instruction video that nobody wants to watch?"
Not necessarily. Have you never heard someone being funny while making a point without condescending? I think her point could be made more powerfully if she didn't keep calling people dumbasses. She seems smart enough to do that. See 6:10 for an example of Calpernia making her point in a funny way, and without talking down.
Worlord: The problem with your tattoo/piercing analogy is that those things are choice, whereas being trans is not. I don't know any trans people who have transitioned "just for the heck of it." Also, I strongly disagree with your contention that being trans is "highly visible" from "across the street." While this may be true when someone is beginning to transition and/or use hormones, most trans people don't stand out as you indicate. In fact, I am willing to bet that you and everyone else on here (including myself) have interacted with someone who was trans without us being aware. However, the fact that a person is trans may come up in doctor's offices, employment situations, or for a variety of reasons through casual social contact. However, this does not give license for people to ask invasive questions - that is need-to-know kind of information. And as others said, things are different when you are friends with a trans person. However, Calpernia was talking about complete strangers asking these questions - questions we would all be offended by if they were asked the first time we met someone. As for people who are clearly in the intermediate stages of transitioning, being "visible" still does not give license for strangers to ask questions, much like Pentomino indicated regarding albinism. It will inevitably happen, but that doesn't make it ok.
Most trans people are not trying to parade the fact that they are trans. They are usually transitioning so their exterior matches their interior, and consequently be potentially *less* noticeable. The point is certainly not to turn themselves into a walking biology exhibit.
Jennfrank: Easily the best post on here. Can't imagine any of that being said better.
Porori: Your child is incredibly lucky to have such a loving, open-minded parent. Besides all the great children's books out there and finding a supportive parental group (either in town or on-line), I recommend just listening and allowing him to do what suits him regarding gender expression. Best wishes to you.
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Gd frbd ppl sk qstns, nd ccdntlly stry crss yr bndry.
Jst hnd t bsnss crd wth ll th nswrs nd sck t p.
"nd y wll fl y'r blwn prt
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By the way, Calpernia, I love you and your work!
@68
tell us all about you. Or shut up.
@70
What do you want to know? Or hurry up I have to work tomorrow.
Takuan, Is it too much to ask that you use my real screen name ?
Just hand out a business card with all the answers and suck it up
As much as I loved Hedwig it wasn't my story. I couldn't identify with Hedwig very much. It felt to me more like the story of a drag queen who made a very unfortunate choice. I think it was a little confusing.
agoodsandwich - Honey, it's not the duty of the rest of the world to take care of your ego. She didn't call people dumbasses, she called dumbasses dumbasses.
I'm not going to repress my curiosity. That said, I won't ask a lot of stupid questions. I don't like to be treated like an asshole for my curiosity, in fact I think it's one of my redeeming features. The best response to a inappropriate question would be to explain calmly that it's rude, private, or none of his/her business. Maybe the "dumbass" would learn something about manners that way. Telling them what they want to hear only makes it worse.
#72, if you want to know something about me I can get back to you later. This isn't the place, but I'm easy to get ahold of. Just be prepared to fall asleep. Either that, or you can google me.
"It's getting cold, picked up the pace."
hey,I just thought it was a good tune
MikeSum32,
You seem to have some serious penis issues going on there. Is this a cry for help?
"I don't like to be treated like an asshole for my curiosity, in fact I think it's one of my redeeming features."
Trust me, it isn't.
Because the water can sometimes be murky about what pronoun to use and so to avoid insult, if it's not obvious, or I haven't been provided with it ahead of time, or if it's not been volunteered, the closest I will come to a personal question would be to tactfully ask what pronoun they would prefer me to use.
I have friends who identify as female or male 24/7. Some are female or male depending on how they are dressed at the time. Some are rigid about what they prefer to be called, some aren't. Nonetheless I try my absolute best to remember their pronoun preference and apologize for any slip-ups, even keeping my apologies low-key and non-dramatic as well.
Otherwise, anything else is not my business.
Regarding the idea that gender specific pronouns don't matter because they should just be avoided altogether when in the presence of the person being referred to-
I don't think this is a bad rule of thumb in general, but I think it leads to awkward, clumsy sounding conversations. Here is a sample sentence, first with a gender specific pronoun and then without, using only a proper pronoun to refer to someone. Please imagine that this sentence is being spoken in a group of people that includes the person being spoken about:
"Calpernia told me that she has noticed women's clothing sizes tend to be irregular and unreliable for determining if an item will fit her and doesn't believe that she is the only person to feel this way, do you agree?"
Replacing the pronoun with the proper pronoun:
"Calpernia told me that Calpernia has noticed that women's clothing sizes tend to be irregular and unreliable for determining if an item will fit Calpernia and doesn't believe that Calpernia is the only person to feel this way, do you agree?"
It's effing ridiculous. I know that a lot of foreign languages don't have gender specific pronouns, but English does and I guess that it will be a very long time before it transitions from this habit. In the meantime are we just not supposed to refer to people at all? Are we really to be expected to construct these bulky and very often circuitous or incomplete sentences all the time? I am not stuck on the idea that I need to reference someone's gender within a conversation. If someone tells me that they are fine with being referred to as "it" I have no problem doing my best to be mindful of this preference. But I feel that to ask me to go out of my way to avoid referring to you using anything but your proper name, when it is my native language's habit not to do so is sort of unfair.
m th nly n dsppntd by th lck f dscssn bt Xn??? C'mn, tht nm nd th hr -- t s strght p t f n f ths qn 70s flcks...nd 'v sn fw. mn, hv frnds tht hv sn fw. Yh. Nt m...
As for the rest of this thread, living in the midwest for most of my life, I know people are curious. And people who do not encounter others like Calpernia are going to be unintentionally rude.
I went through this jerky phase when I had a friend go through the process and looking back upon it, I was probably one of the biggest assholes around. I *STILL* don't understand a lot of it, never will, but that is alright...it isn't my life and my only duty to my friends is to accept them for who they are.
Bt lts gt bck t wht s mprtnt...th Xn cmmnts.
Yea! Finally a post I can talk authoratatively!
Just a few notes from the conversation here...
1. Gender Identity != Sexual Orientation. I'm really hoping that Dr. Benway is joking... Look, being trans does not make you gay. Trust me. I tried. I really wanted to be gay. It's just that... well... I'm just not gay. And about sexual orientation, I know several transmen and transwomen. Some are attracted to members of their own gender, some are not. And there are enough in either camp to support the assertion that orientation seems to be independent of identity.
2. We walk amongst you undetected. When you see George Galloway in a leotard next to Pete Burns you say, "eek! he makes an ugly broad!" (Galloway, that is) And then you congratulate yourself on being able to spot the non-genetically-female. In the real world, it's not as simple. Some transfolk are not especially interested in "passing," some find it hard to pass without surgery and others pass _very_ well. Here's the interesting thing... people who pass very well... they tend not to point out that they're transsexuals. In part because people start doing crazy stuff like asking them annoying questions or wanting to beat them up. But the point here is that when you see a transsexual who doesn't pass, you start to think that you can spot them all. When you see a transsexual that does pass, you don't think to yourself, "oh... that person over there may be a transsexual, I'll have to reassess my ability to detect such persons." In short, there are a lot of transfolk who pass, and pass quite well.
3. I used to go to gay bars to get a drink someplace where I wouldn't get beat up. An interesting thing about gay bars, there are often non-gay people there. And that's okay. Well.. it would be okay with me if I owned a gay bar. 'cause the way I looked at it, a gay bar isn't a place exclusively for gay people, it's a place where you don't have to be rigidly hetero-normative to get a drink and not get beaten up. So just 'cause a transperson goes to a gay bar does not mean that they're gay. But some are. My point is, going to a gay bar does not imply that one is "gay".