[PHOTO: "Jessie," a CC-licensed image by LeTiger.]
A few weeks ago, I blogged a funny video created by a Canadian high-school student titled "Hiding Your Sexual Orientation From Your Parents 101." One of the many people who commented on that post was an anonymous commenter who wrote:
Ok, my parents found out i was gay by myspace (which i regret for putting my sexual orientation) and my parents will never accept cause my parents are really realigous for our christianity. They are so realigous, that i'm now homeschooled and going to a private school. Also i have no internet unless for emergencies, no friends houses, no phone, no boy friends til i'm 18. The only times i can get out is to christian youth groups so i have no life for the next 5 years ( cause i'm 13). Oh and my parents think all the wrong things in the world about gays, they even use the gay f word. I need help and i'm typing this from my PS3 cause they don't know it has internet. HELP!!! =OIt's hard for jaded internet people like me to know when someone's pulling your leg online, but I'll take this one at face value. Many other teens read Boing Boing, and perhaps one of them is in a similar predicament. So, Dear Anonymous:
Boy, that sucks. I don't have a way of contacting you privately, so I'll say it to the world. You are fine just as you are. There is nothing wrong with being gay, and everything right with being true to yourself, no matter who tries to tell you otherwise. But being gay and a teen is very hard when your family isn't cool with it. My friend Maggie suggests that you might want to check out these helplines and Web resources, so you can talk to someone who can help you sort stuff out:
♦ amplifyyourvoice.org (a teen LGBTQ site)
♦ billwilsoncenter.org (Web chat based teen
counseling service)
♦ glnh.org (National LGBTQ help center, with
phone counseling lines manned by other LGBTQ people. They've got a
special youth line, online peer support and access to local services and organizations.)
If you are reading this post, Anonymous, I bet some other people will be writing suggestions for other good resources in the comments. Check them out. Good luck. There are many of us in the world who welcome you just as you are. Don't believe anyone who tells you that who you are is anything less than beautiful.
Keep your head held high, little happy mutant.
San Francisco Sex Information also has a resources page:
http://sfsi.org/wiki/Category:GLBTQ
Good luck!
Dear Anonymous,
Not all Christians are queer-bashers. You can be GLBTQ and a Christian, without 'converting' into a heteronormal.
I know, I am both.
If you can get to there, I suggest http://whosoever.org. And if you need to talk to someone, call the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender (GLBT) Youth Support Line at 800-850-8078.
Love you (you wonderful child of God),
Mary Sue
Call child services. Being gay isn't a punishable offense. Preventing you from outside communication is a kind of abuse.
Mr Anonymous,
i feel your struggles. I am facing a sexuality identity situation myself. I am not going into the ddetails but just know that you are not alone and sometimes people just wont understand. Its hard i know but such is the world. All we can do is take it one step at a time and push through the mud and muck of discrimination. I wish you much strength.
From Another Anonymous. ^_^
Call the GLBT Helpline! I am a volunteer there, and if I don't mind tooting my own horn, we are an amazing resource, and we're here to listen! Good luck :)
I have no resources to add, but what I can provide is love and hope. Please always remember that you are not alone.
My best friend in high school was gay, and his parents were devout Catholics and did the same when he came out to them.
They did eventually move through it and come to accept him for who he was, just not immediately.
Despite their reactions now, it may not always be that way.
Do you have any way to ask a court to force your parents to let you attend public school?
Best of luck to you.
Hey kid! You'll be okay.
I grew up Christian, and afraid to let my family know who I am. Yes, being a teenager was hard. There were some difficult moments then, and after. But I'm 49 now. I've been with the woman I love for almost 20 years, and before that, I had a wonderful time dating. My family loves me, even with some hard times getting to this point along the way, and I love them.
You're just beginning. Be strong, and look to the future. Everyone's teen years are full of angst, even the straight kids'.
Xeni,
I think you've done the right thing, here. I think any child who feels isolated and saddened -- and I'm just taking the comment at face value, too, because there's no other option really -- deserves access to good counseling.
I do have two niggling reservations, which I didn't articulate very well following the original "Parents 101" post. The first is that people like this commenter don't need to have any sex at all, regardless of preference. He is a child.
The second is a natural inclination to stay out of other parents' business unless they're clearly abusing their children, in which case there are laws to invoke. That this child's parents have decided he'll have "no boy friends til i'm 18" sounds like a parental path that is, if nothing else, impractical. Life will offer them many surprising and difficult moments. But that, for now, is up to them.
Ultimately I hope that his parents decide to truly emulate Christ, and act in love.
This is my first comment, but I had to register to say that this is an excellent post. I absolutely love Boing Boing!
I don't know where you live, so I don't know what services your local public library offers or if you're even close to a library, but you should be able to get internet access there with a library card (just in case you lose all internet access at home). You may need a parent's permission to get a card, but you can say that you need it to do research for school.
Also, if you think the librarians are cool folks, don't feel afraid to ask them for resources too!
Good luck!
You're not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone.
There are plenty of people who understand out there. And care. (If you are one of those who care, consider going to http://www.twloha.com/index.php
I'll be writing love on my arm for you tomorrow, miss anon.
Ok. Get the book 'More Tales of the City' by Armistead Maupin if you can. About 1/2 through the book there's a letter one of the characters wrote to his parents about how he wishes he would have known when he was young that he wasn't damaged goods. It's really really inspirational.
Hope you thrive. It will get better and you will have a wonderful life.
I highly recommend http://www.hrc.org
http://www.hrc.org/issues/religion.asp
From one who has been there: this has the absolute ring of truth. Thank you for acknowledging and offering support, Xeni, for there could indeed be a difficult road ahead.
You are not alone, and you are a beautiful person, Anonymous! Stay strong and always remember that you are NOT WRONG, no matter what anyone says.
No disrespect, but the kid is 13. How is he sure that he's gay...HE'S ONLY 13! I don't get it.
If this kid is feeling repressed, isolated, unwanted and mentally abused by parents at the age of 13, a lot more than helpline phone numbers are needed at this point.
This seems to go far beyond any GLBT identity problems and into more serious territory (no internet? no phone? oh my god!) such as *bad parenting"
It definitely doesn't feel good to be ridiculed and disdained for who you are (Gay, white, black, strange) - but 13 is also the usual time for average teenagers to go through oppressive stuff like this. Parents are jerks sometimes.
I say get as many friends around you ASAP - make new friends of all sexualities and political stripes. In the next ten years these final spasms of sexual hatred and oppression will simmer down. In the meantime, talk to friends who've been there.
And that photo is just awesome, by the way. Just riveting.
Work hard for your high school diploma and go to college/university away from "home" :)
5 years may seem like a lifetime but its not... just keep your fabulous little gay head together and don't let anyone convince you that there's something wrong with being gay.
Hey Anonymous Kid,
Being a teen is incredibly difficult, even under the best circumstances possible. I feel for you, really. I'm sorry I don't actually have other advice for you, beyond the fact that above all else, it is important to stay positive, and stay strong. Remember that things will not always be this way, that there are people out here in the world who support you.
I know how hard it is to be a teenager, and I know how hard it is to have a really hard time dealing with your parents. I know this blog post said most of this, but I wanted to add another voice in the crowd to let you know that you are not alone, and even when it doesn't feel like it, you will get through this.
Stay strong,
Another supportive person out here
But that, for now, is up to them.
Bull-fucking-shit. He's a person, not chattel property.
I'm with you - and so is the Boing Boing community. I've been out for three decades. Please contact me if you feel the need for a supportive adult.
@Cog: being gay does not mean you are having sex. Being gay is an orientation, and does not mean that one is necessarily sexually active.
Today, boingboing made me get tears in my eyes. Thank you, Xeni for posting this! And Anonymous...it will get better, believe me!
I totally approve of taking this at face value, because the expected value is so good - even if the likelihood of it being real is 0.0000001 vs ~1.0 being a troll, the positive gained by helping is way better than any potential laugh from a snide comment.
(and fight as I might with my cynical side, I do wonder about this comment, tho': "homeschooled and going to a private school")
Of course. It's just a caveat to my larger point.
xeni - your response to this teen is a big part of what makes boing boing truly wonderful. thank you.
I knew when I was 13 that I was straight. Why wouldn't someone know they are gay at the same age? Most every LGBTQ friend I have has known for as long as their memory serves them.
Anon - you are great the way you are. Reach out and get counseling or legal help in terms of understanding how to deal with your parents, not how to change yourself. You don't need to change, your situation is all that needs to be fixed.
Wrong, right, or indifferent, you can't change who you are. Don't let your parents force you into something that you are not. You are supposed to respect your parents and all, but man....if there ever were a reason for civil disobediance, this is it.
Hold your head high, young one, for someday, the collective USA will pull their heads out of their asses and we will allow all minorities the same voice, and we will have none of this bullshit of putting down people for sexual orientation, or feelings, or whatever.
I can, however, understand their not wanting you to have a boyfriend. I have a daughter, and I don't want her dating at ALL. That NEVER stopped me and her mother, though. Just remember that it's your body, and you get to choose who/what/when/where/how it happens.
Of course. It's just a caveat to my larger point.
George,
You're projecting your own ambiguity. I was out at 14 and I'm still there 38 years later.
I forgot to add to Xeni: blessings for taking this at face value - knew you were a fine person and now am grateful also for your open, loving heart.
@Cog, I do appreciate the general point you make. And the notion that the true message of Christ was love. I am not a Christian myself, but I respect and revere those who follow a practice of love, kindness, and acceptance.
Of course he's not 'property.'
But then again, I never said that. What I said was that he is a child -- someone else's child -- and that while I am disinclined to poke my nose into another parent's decision, I do hope his parents choose a wise and loving course.
Nothing remarkable in that, that I can see.
I am a male, and I realized I liked girls when I was only in grade school. I chased them around on the playground. It was captivating. Would you tell me at 13, that I shouldn't know if I'm strait or not? It's no different for someone who is homosexual.
People are created the way they are, but many sects of society do not allow people to truly come out. Maybe our Anonymous has wanted to chase the people he/she likes over the years, but has never been allowed due to society's restrictions.
Our friend Anonymous will be coming out for the rest of his/her life, and I wish that he/she the best of luck in this mean world. Remember this, there are people out there that love you!
@george88, 13 is a *perfectly normal* age to know what one's orientation is. It's only because some people insist that only one orientation is 'natural' that causes grief for the people who differ.
Dear Anon:
I'm glad that Xeni posted this, because hopefully now you know that there are many, many people who care for your well-being and reach out to you.
The love on my arms today is for you, and all those who are repressed and not given the love they deserve in their own homes.
My advice is similar: try to find resources, whether it be at school (counselors are there for a reason) or at the library.
But stay low for now, gather friends and support and create a better family than the one that you are in now.
If you are otherwise safe, wait the five years, saving money, gathering resources just in case, and then you'll be free.
A whole bunch of us are rooting for you.
Know that, feel loved.
I wish the best of luck to you Anon, whoever you are. I can't say I know exactly what you are going through since I'm not gay, but as a free thinker in Alabama as a teen I can say I know what it is like to be misunderstood and not fit in with the "norm". It'll likely be a rough few years for you, but stick it out.
"Things Can Only Get Better" (I reckon I dated myself, eh?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeLQWqWsaAI
@george88
Well, I've known to some degree I was bisexual for as long as I can remember, certainly liked boys as much as girls when I was young (maybe 7), never really changed, my understanding of the world and other people has changed over the years, but I've always been me, and I always will be.
i'd bet at 13 you were pretty damn sure of your sexual orientation. it amazes me how may straight folk can't understand that this sense also works at age 13 if you're gay.
Dear Annonymous:
I've never posted anything to Boingboing before, but I signed up just to tell you that everything's going to be okay. You are a healthy, normal human being. Rough things happen in life, I've gone through my share. You're gonna get through this.
It's sad, but there's a lot of haters in the world. Don't let them get you down. For every one hater there's ten good, wonderful people so don't give up. This article only went up a few minutes ago and you've already got a bunch of people sending you love. Hold on to that.
Be strong and stay safe.
-Jason
As Mrs. Eleanor Roosevelt would say, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Including your parents. Write it down. Confidence comes from within.
Your parents will probably get 'cooler' with it as you get older, but in case they really are the hardass Fundamentalists you claim they are, here are my tips on how to do this, based on experience:
Running away from home is actually a shitty option, so try and make it your LAST possible option. Only if your parents start abusing you should you consider it. And frankly, physically hitting you is good grounds for you to visit the cops and file a report.
Getting legally emancipated will look like an attractive option, but unless you can prove physical abuse it is very difficult. Plus you'll have to go through the foster system, not fun. Avoid that.
Once you're 18 you can GTFO and they legally cannot stop you. Practically, the cops usually stop caring about runaways after the age of 16, but you need a high school degree or GED to get most jobs these days. (And you will need a job.) Keep your nose down and get this done first.
The federal government actually makes it really difficult to go to college before the age of 24 if your parents are going to be bound and determined to stop you. Save up money now so you can leave sooner by getting a job.
If things get truly abysmal, try and keep enough money to get to the nearest major metro area. Don't keep the money you make under the mattress - pre-paid debit cards (obtain this at nearest convenience store) are the way to go because you can use them to buy stuff online.
Almost every big city has a GLBT Community Center, and often have resources for homeless teens. Big city gay centers are still made up of people who went through what you're going through and they want to help. Call 'em up.
At thirteen, I would advise you to keep a low profile with your parents. The library is an excellent suggestion. Read books about GLBT history - biographies often have a chapter on how the famous person GTFO and by reading a bunch you can figure out how not to do it. There's going to be more to your life than being gay - use the library time to figure out what that is going to look like for you.
Try and work things out with your parents. Everything is much easier with their support, even if it is given grudgingly.
Anonymous,
Someone mentioned it upthread, but I'll repeat it, get to a library. Beyond having internet access, there are hundreds of great and hopeful books (fiction and non-fiction) about teens who went through situations like yours. Authors like Julie Peters. Francesca Lia Block and Alex Sanchez write about GLBTQ characters in ways that can give you support, solace and inspire. Hell, here's a whole long list.
http://www.alexsanchez.com/gay_teen_books.htm
Graphic novels like "Fun Home", "Young Avengers" and "Runaways" all have GLBTQ characters and stories too.
Many of my friends who are Gay and Lesbian got through rough teen years thanks to great books.
And if you need a laugh, check out the "Midwest Teen Sex Show". It's a video podcast hosted by some really smart, really funny folks. The host, Nikol Hasler, does a weekly podcast and talks about a lot of GLBTQ issues. They're really great people and can help get you through.
http://midwestteensexshow.com/
Keep your head up, don't be ashamed or scared. You have a proud history of GLBTQ people (Harvey Milk, Oscar Wilde, Dan Savage, Rachel Maddow) behind you and the future is yours to write.
This is my favorite speech by Harvey Milk, who was the first openly gay man elected to a city-wide office in America. He spent most of his life struggling with his orientation, but when he came to terms with it, he was able to inspire a generation. You gotta have hope.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pvfexvihri8
pick up a paintbrush, or a guitar, or a dumbell, or a skateboard, or a pen and a pad... i know i'd be frustrated and angry if i were in your situation, make it work for you
I knew I was straight when I was 13.
A lot of gay kids end up running away from home -- I live near the Castro, and believe me, the area is full of gay homeless kids.
I'm not saying that it's the best idea, but it's always an option if the shit hits the fan more than it already has.
I'm proud to be a member of this community.
I wonder if you might allow a conservative Christian pastor to comment on this issue?
One of your prior commentors said:
If this kid is feeling repressed, isolated, unwanted and mentally abused by parents at the age of 13, a lot more than helpline phone numbers are needed at this point.
This seems to go far beyond any GLBT identity problems and into more serious territory (no internet? no phone? oh my god!) such as *bad parenting"
I couldn't agree more. This is the basic problem with the approach taken by these parents. Like it or not our children are going to make decisions that we won't like or approve of - or that we even may think are seriously unwise. Often they make those decisions because we have not given them the opportunity to engage with the world around them.
True, we may have to control the amount of engagement but we must still help them learn how to interact with the flood of different influences upon them and those acting upon them from within.
Personally, if my own daughter were to make this same decision I, too, would think it not in her best interests - but the question here is not the merit of the decision but how one goes on to respond to such a conflict.
Loving our children means loving them and honouring them as they struggle to make sense of the world around them. Christian parents, more than any others perhaps, should know what it means to accept those who feel they have no place to be accepted.
At the end of the day, don't we want our children to grow up to learn to deal well and maturely with those that they disagree with, even when they feel those disagreements are of a fundamental nature? I know that's what I want for my three children and so I may very well have to model it as they choose to disagree with me in big ways.
And perhaps a postscript to those inclined to write off what I have to say simply on account of my conservative position on sexuality - if you think these parents we are writing about are blinkered then take a gentle look in the mirror. If we're going to preach toleration then let's ALL live it out. You don't ever have to agree, but that is never what tolerance was ever about anyway.
David Ould
I have nothing practical to add, but I wanted to say that I will be thinking about you and hoping that your parents find their way to appreciating you as you are. Don't ever think you need to be other than who you are. Stay strong, stay beautiful. Peace and love, dear one.
I don't have any advice to offer, but it's awesome that you can use your PS3 as a technological workaround to your parents' draconian control-freakishness. With smarts like that, I hope you go far. Good luck!
My heart breaks at your parents' response to what you're going through. They are reacting in a very harsh way, and I can understand how you could feel trapped where you are. What I would do is try and open an honest dialogue between you and your parents about this issue. Maybe you can't sway them to your point of view, but it would show them your sincerity. They probably aren't doing what they are doing to be mean for the sake of being mean. They're probably doing all this because they view this aspect of your personality as wrong, and they're trying to get rid of it as quickly as possible. (For the sake of argument, if this really was something wrong with you, wouldn't it be best to get rid of it quick?) All I'm saying is they probably have good intentions, even if they are completely wrong in their views and/or methods. If they are just doing these things to be mean-spirited, point out that this isn't consistent with the teachings of Christ at all. Just keep your head on straight, don't overreact or pout, and you should be okay. If you show them how mature you are you are more likely to start getting these things back, and they will actually listen to your side of the story.
@George88: He knows where he is right now. Do any of us really know more?
Being gay isn't a choice. As a gay man, I know this better than you ever could. How dare you use your "beliefs" and invoke requests of "tolerance" to make a claim about the reality of my own unchangeable sexuality that you refuse to comprehend because it contradicts your religious beliefs.
just stay alive! and in the meanwhile, don't let anyone make you feel sad inside about simply being who you. so many incredible, happy, wonderful people have had to struggle through the exact situation you're in now. in particular, two of my own closest friends grew up gay as preacher's kids and i don't know what i ever would've done without those friends in my adult life--they've done so much to make it worth living. your future friends will need you around. so hang on.
Hold on, brother. There's a lot of us out here in the world pulling for you. I don't have any digital resources to add except my email address - [redacted] . I'm 23 and queer and I made it through youth and Christianity alive. If you need help or just to vent, drop me a line.
Awesome thats why I love Boingboing :)
being gay is normal I'm with you :) good luck !!
if my own daughter were to make this same decision I, too, would think it not in her best interests - but the question here is not the merit of the decision but how one goes on to respond to such a conflict.
This comment is obviously admirable in many ways, but I must stress that the trend or course of ones desires is not a "decision". Living life out as GLBT is a decision. Wanting someone of ones own sex is not. A person can deny a desire, he can rise above a desire if it be a bad one; he cannot "decide" it never existed without lying to himself.
If Xenu has put an idea in your head to run away, contact one of the hotlines to see if there is a youth/runaway shelter you can reach.
If we're going to preach toleration then let's ALL live it out.
I, for one, do not welcome our new bigoted, treat-their-kids-like-prisoners overlords. Your call for universal tolerance equates being gay with being bigoted. I don't tolerate bigotry.
Thanks for your Christlike words of tolerance, but...
This isn't a "decision" any more than it's a decision to have an arm. People are just born that way. I'm glad you agree that this kid's treatment is unfair and ill-advised, but when geneticists find a "gay" gene (as they have), the "decision" argument needs to disappear.
To Anon:
I'm straight, but I grew up in a very strict Christian household. I can totally imagine my parents doing something like what yours are doing to you now, and I had an acquaintance in college who actually had the exact same experience as what you're having now.
In all cases, though, I agree with the poster earlier who recommended trying to remain on good terms with your parents. Unless they actually start abusing you, you should probably just learn to live with it, while not backing down. You don't have to be a dick about it; just make it clear that this isn't something that is going to change. They'll be forced to make a decision: Accept you as you are, or lose the son they love. --There are not many parents who would choose the latter, and honestly, those who would are probably not worth keeping.
As someone else said, nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. This isn't about you; it's about them, and their freak-out over something they didn't expect and don't know how to deal with (because their little book of disjointed rules doesn't apply to real life in many cases). This is a crisis of faith to them. Try to remember that it's not just teens who suffer. Adults do too. Hell, the line between "teen" and "adult" is one I'm not even sure exists. Shit bothers me just as much now as it did when I was 13; it's just that I've had a lot more of it and realize that if I can just focus on getting through it, it'll go away. However, in this case, you are having a big, new, scary experience that is also a big, new, scary experience for your parents. They need time to get their heads around this, and I think you can help them by just standing your ground, but being loving and cool about it. It's a big job for a 13-year-old, but here it is, and it's yours to do.
Also, seriously, not having any boyfriends until you're 18 isn't really that big a deal--if it's even true. Things can change, sometimes very quickly, in life. It's entirely possible that your parents might grudgingly accept who you are in a few years, and you would be far, far, far from the only guy in history not to have a dating life in high school. I wasn't allowed to see anyone, either, but I caught up plenty fast when I got out of the house. I just spent my time/energy on school. Sometimes I regret that, but in truth, that part of my life has turned out just fine, and who knows if it'd even be any different if I'd started a couple years earlier.
Finally, and this is the biggest thing to remember all the way through high school and until you get out of the house and get your own life: None of this is permanent. When you're a teenager, everything seems so dire and final, but it totally, totally isn't. You're just getting started. Day to day might suck, but a lot changes as soon as you get out of your parents' house and start to make your own decisions. Sometimes it feels like it's just going to suck the rest of your life, but when you're feeling like that? Seriously, you're almost done with it. Shitty periods come and go. Hell, I'm going through one myself now--and so are your parents! But I know that it'll get better, as long as you commit yourself to making it better.
You (and your parents) are going to get through this. It is going to be okay. Your parents have the power to ground you, etc., but you are in control of this situation. Make it a good one.
Good luck.
Ahoy dear Boy.
Be brave, Be Resolute, Be Careful, Be hopeful, Be Happy, Be Strong. Be Yourself.
As someone who, as a gay man, went through what you are going through now, please believe me, there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Let the White Rabbit lead you were he may, as he did Alice, but please believe me, you must NOT despair. I always believed my dad would kill me for being gay and my mom would understand, the exact opposite was the case though my mom came round. Tonight, some years later my dad just had dinner with me and my best friend (also a gay man) so it can turn around. Even if it does not, keep your soul free of despair, your head and body free of drugs your friends close and your enemies closely watched. Perhaps Vancouver or New York or London may one day be your happy home but for now, be careful of who you trust, trust the people you KNOW you can, read as much as you can, find solace in books, music, film. Longtime Companion is a great film to watch as is the writing of Wilde and Saki and other brave early gay men. Edward Gorey will give you the humour of the gallows-which is so often the great weapon of our people- so look him up too. In the meantime please believe all of us just look at all of us, the straight and gay-boys and girls- who are posting back to you on BoingBoing-you can see that you are so very much NOT ALONE. So TAKE HEART my friend. As the Willy the Shaker has Lady MacBeth say: But screw your courage to the sticking place, and we'll not fail. Please don't give up and never let anyone hurt you for who you love and how you love.
At 13, I knew for sure that I was into girls, even though I didn't have sex until four years later. I can imagine he feels the same about boys.
I know it's a drag not dating until 18, but I know plenty of people (gay and straight) that never had a date until college and they've all turned out fine. In fact many were among the first people in my group to find their life partners!
And look at the other bright side: you have a PS3.
@brainspore Your wording implies that finding a life partner is a common and good goal for all people. I doubt very much that this is so.
davidould: I can see where you're coming from- even though I vehemently disagree. Sexuality isn't a choice. I didn't make the choice to like other guys, I just do. Just as you didn't make a choice to like members of the opposite sex. The only choice that this teen is making is the choice to not live a repressive, heart-breaking lie.
As to the bottom bit of your post, one has no need to be tolerant towards intolerant bigots. I'm perfectly tolerant of Christian beliefs; I am not tolerant of people who attempt to limit my rights and tell me I am an aberration towards nature. We have no prerogative to be tolerant to this boys bigoted parents, if they would not show tolerance towards others.
And to the anonymous teen poster: Hang in there. I didn't come out as a teen, instead choosing to lie to myself and distance sexual feelings and attraction from other emotions. Bad move, plays shit with the mind. Not conducive to a good mental state. Even if your parents don't accept you (and they someday might- I'm still hoping with mine) know that there are people out here in cyberspace who want only the best for you.
I knew I was straight at like 4 years old long before I knew what sex was, of course he knows his own sexuality.
oops I meant Parting Glances not Longtime Companion, although that is a good film too, lol.
forgive, forgive.
and to you M'Lday Jardin? THANK YOU for bringing this to light, you have such an excellent heart and mind :)
@Peterbruells: I don't know all people, but it was how those friends of mine found happiness. If you or this anonymous teen are happier without a single person to share most of your life with then I wish you luck on that path as well.
I've just re-read the teenager's original post and am a bit confused.
Are we assuming that the writer is a boy...or a girl?
The only slight indication is where he/she states:
"no boy friends til i'm 18"
If the writer is male, then his parents are apparently OK
with him having boyfriends when he's 18. Correct?
Doesn't change the gist and power of the story,
but I'd like to know what the group mind thinks
I did my first post (above) under the impression
that anonymous is a female
(some great, heartfelt advice all around so far)
If you and / or your parents choose to believe in the christian way of life ... it doesn't matter .... what matters is being true to who you are and Jesus was a real rebel, eh?
The christian way of life is based upon fighting for what you believe in... when the rest of the world thinks otherwise. You could say that God calls upon people and their families to be strong when the rest of the world doubts. If need be... your parents need to undterstand that God has apparently given them a challenge to make their world a better place because... most importantly... you are the way that God created you... and as it is not hurtful or devious or malicious or lustful or sinful (as it's just a matter of your sexual nature) then it's just the way you are. You aren't trying to marry a goat. You are as precious as all of God's creatures but that they might be "called upon" to defend this. Some parents might have a different problem in that they might have misgivings about you raising kids or procreating... making a family.... ect... If you help them to understand that all the values that they teach you... that you will pass them on to the world no matter what... through teaching or just being a good person ... then their raising you with good values (that don't have anything to do with your sexuallity) will only help the world and will fulfill thier goals of being good parents.
I just assume that parents want to be good parents and try to make things as easy as possible for thier kids... if you can be true to yourself and try to understand any anger or frustration that they might have that doesn't come from your sexuality but instead from their expectations of "normal life" then you'll be ahead of the game.
And once again... God / Fate gives challenges which are not fun but are meant to be overcome to make, at the least, yourself stronger, and perhaps to make your parents and thier church stronger.
You are a good person, Xeni.
And to the teen: best of luck to you, kid. Hang in there.
It is right there in the Bible in black and white that Jesus said that there is nothing more important than to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. (He also said that there is nothing more important than to love God, but really there's no practical difference.) Combine that with the fact that homosexuality is a state of being, not a choice, and you can see that condemnation of homosexuality is a violation of Jesus's teachings. QED.
P.S. Did any of you choose to be heterosexual? Really? I didn't.
hey..not to pee on anyone's parade...but...you've been punked. In my opinion. This reads like the " help me I'm being held prisoner in a chinese fortune cookie factory" kind of thing.
I would think that a 13 year old who knew enough to know that his/her parents were religious freaks could spell the word "realigous"
This just does not ring true.
If I had even seen a thread like this when I was thirteen, my life would be somewhat different now.
(and in yet another generation, homophobes will be as strange as queers used to be!)
I'm a straight male who grew up in a liberal home, but I went to a Christian(fundamentalist) school. Stay true my friend. I'm no longer religious at all, but I know the Bible pretty well. According to the New Testament, Jesus came to destroy the Old Testament version of the Bible. I'm pretty sure no where in the Bible it says being Gay is wrong. Challenge your parents to find one concrete line. They can't, and they won't. Best of luck my friend.
Maybe so, but I think everyone here is working on the off chance that it's real, or that others may be reading who could use the same advice.
I love you kid. We'll never meet in person but in your lonely moments when your young soul wanders away from the pain of reality, I'll be one of the many spirits to call to you and offer comfort. I was once a young gay boy who felt so isolated I feared that life was pointless. Please know I cherish you. Turn your soul loose and let it roam, there is comfort beyond the confines you currently face. Steve
Dear Anonymous,
From personal experience, a few points, which may or may not help you deal with your situation:
1. Being 13 sucks for a lot of people, whether or not they're attracted to members of their own sex, so try to remember that part of what you're dealing with is normal parent-child stuff. It's not fun, but it's less lonely than you might realize. You might even find a kindred spirit or two in those Christian youth groups.
2. Your parents, misguided or not, probably love you more than you can yet begin to comprehend. Try not to hate them. Even better, try to love them anyway.
3. Remember - or learn - who you are, remembering that who you are and what you do are related but separate concepts. It will be very easy to identify yourself with your sexuality (note: applies also to people attracted to the opposite sex) or with whatever your parents aren't. Don't objectify yourself. It can take years of misery to undo that sort of dishonesty-to-self, if you're even that lucky.
4. 1 Corinthians 10:13
One of the hardest things about being a teen is you are old enough to have your own beliefs/views/identity, yet still live under parents who may or may not understand them.
Hang in there. Find people who support and love you for who you are. Things will change with time, you'll eventually be on your own. It may seem hard now, but I applaud you for knowing who you are and hope this experience serves to engender compassion for others who face similar situations for whatever reason.
If you can, use this situation to open your heart to others and to learn compassion and tolerance for your fellow humans. In doing so you'll heal some of the hurt you are now experiencing and make the world a better place.
peace and love.
We have come so far since the days of Mattachine. This thread is proof of it.
What I found most valuable in my own process was learning about movement history. Long Road to Freedom: The Advocate History of the Gay and Lesbian Movement covers 1967-1992, and you can get used hardcover copies of it from Amazon for as little as 78 cents (plus $3.99 shipping, of course, still a deal). Martin Bauml Duberman's Stonewall is another book I remember well.
A lot of brave people struggled and fought to get us this far, and continue to do so.
Anonymous gay kid:
Tell your parents that your Christian Youth counselor touched you in the bad place and made you be gay. Tell them that maybe if you went to a "normal" school with "normal" kids, then maybe you could "see what it's like to not be gay". That'll certainly rock their belief system and maybe get them off your back for a while!
They'll be so confused they won't know what to do. By the time they figure it out, you'll be 18, off, and away! You can date whoever you want, then.
I'm sure that if they can't figure out that a PS3 has internet, they won't figure out that normal is a part of gay, and you can safely and secretly romp about with whoever you please.
Fight ignorance with feigned ignorance, that's what I always say.
The whole track of trying to understand if this kid 'really knows' he is gay at 13 is a red herring...
It's entirely possible that it could be 'a phase', or he could be gay but find a soul-mate girlfriend he wants to have a family with. Or he could just be a regular gay guy who will get married to a really nice guy, which will hopefully be legal by the time he's 18.
But it's all irrelevant - he gets to decide who he finds attractive, no one else. Everyone must respect his choice, and that is non-negotiable.
well, my advice is to be honest. with yourself and those around you.
and to be honest...you think that post is real? I know it might imaginatively sum up what you think it must be like. But it sounds like a Jesse Macbeth tale to me. wiki it.
The truth matters. And for the record, I'm pro gay marriage and pro gay rights.
Stay positive Anonymous, this will pass and you will come out stronger than before.
@ Freddy No No: Yeah, we know it might be fake. But if its not, then every ounce of our compassion and effort has been worth it. And even if it is fake, maybe it can help other people. I certainly didn't know about some of those provided links, and I'm glad that resources like that exist.
And on the "peeing on anyone's parade" point: idk, kinky if you're into that sorta thing I guess. Bit weird, though. ;D
@ aster
Your #2 point is totally awesome and correct. In the long run, taking the high road wins. They may never understand, but they will eventually accept or regret.
@ taiki
I agree. The only person who loses from that being a fake post is the actual poster.
Offering compassion and care takes nothing but caring and compassion.
I didn't realize my own orientation until I was 21. Sometimes people just don't realize these things at a young age.
Hell, sometimes people grow into it, or sometimes they get stuck in denial and take a very long time to accept their own nature.
I was so averse to the idea of the prejudice and awkwardness that I was in denial about the fact until I was in my 20's, and I'm not even particularly worried about how others perceive me. For others it could easily be much slower a process.
There's a lot of variability and (sometimes) pathos that makes people discover these things about themselves at vastly different paces.
Personally I would like to pee on a parade if the parade is fake. My thinking here is that someone concocted this story to manipulate the reader. I would not except this in a newspaper and here...well, I am asked to think that IT might be true. ANd worse...told that even if it isn't...accept it as a truth.
fiction can be used to any end.
Dear Fabulous Gay Kid
I have a 3 year old. Why does this matter to you? Because -- and here it comes its corny but true-- in my mind's eye he will always be my baby, not in the sense of age but in the feeling I have in my heart for him. No mater who he becomes, no matter what he does, even if it horrifies me or I morally condemn him the fact remains that at my absolute core I will always be my child's creator and protector. "Flesh of my flesh" doesn't change. Look you mom in the eye and tell her you are the same person as when you were 3. This kind of love runs deep and it is bigger than any religion.
your mom loves you even if she's being a b***h right now.
Also, Antinous, I'm confused as hell. Was that sarcasm?
To my eyes the person commenting was saying the parents need to accept and nurture the child despite their disapproval, and others need to disagree with but respect the parents.
Assuming there's no implication of superiority/inferiority between parties that message is essentially the antithesis of bigotry.
Maybe I just missed the joke, I'm horribly prone to that.
Hey after some years you'll be a big star in the gay world. Heroes make big stars. Thats how the world works.
#80 "fiction can be used to any end"
The "fake real story" motif has been told many times in books and films.
Usually the storyline or screenplay revolves around a small city which has been duped or misled by kind-hearted crooked misfits.
There's not enough detailed information in the post by 'anonymous'
to make a case either way. I don't see the desperation (in the post) that
others apparently do - then again, I'm not 13 years old and Gay with
oppressive parents (well, I do have oppressive parents)
A strong story (whether true or false) can be taken to heart
and manipulated by myriad forces.
It would be nice to eventually read a follow-up
by our mysterious 'anonymous" and see for sure
whether our words and deeds have been heeded
I just wanted to say thanks to Xeni. Regardless of the veracity of the story, the fact that this type of personal persecution, from the people who are supposed to love you the most, at the most vulnerable stages of development, practiced under the auspices of 'good' and 'God', is still common place is apalling. It should be publicised and challenged openly, positively and supportively, as it is being done here. Even if this never reaches an authentic source only good will come of such an open discussion.
This sort of thing is a regular occurrence, something almost every LGBT person experiences, yet it seems like it has not been addressed head-on until Sarah Schulman's recent book on familial homophobia.
My suggestion would be to look for allies - for instance, who is your coolest aunt, uncle or older cousin? Is there anyone in your family who could intervene or stand up for you?
davidould: I can see where you're coming from- even though I vehemently disagree. Sexuality isn't a choice. I didn't make the choice to like other guys, I just do. Just as you didn't make a choice to like members of the opposite sex. The only choice that this teen is making is the choice to not live a repressive, heart-breaking lie.
Perhaps a bad choice of words on my part. I had no intention to wade into the "choice" debate with regards to sexuality - rather I was speaking in a more general sense about any choices people make about their lives. As you say, this teenager has made a choice about not living contrary to what they're experiencing inside and the parents have simply got to find a better way of dealing with it than repressing it.
As to the bottom bit of your post, one has no need to be tolerant towards intolerant bigots. I'm perfectly tolerant of Christian beliefs; I am not tolerant of people who attempt to limit my rights and tell me I am an aberration towards nature. We have no prerogative to be tolerant to this boys bigoted parents, if they would not show tolerance towards others.
I don't recall argue that we should be tolerant of their actions. If you could point out to me where I had said any such thing then I would gladly retract it.
I merely took a moment to observe that in our rush to (rightly) affirm this teenagers right to express themselves as they wish to and our outrage about the actions of the parents we should also be wary that we do not seek to enforce the same sort of restrictions on those that WE do not disagree with. There is more than one way to be intolerant.
Antinous:
I, for one, do not welcome our new bigoted, treat-their-kids-like-prisoners overlords.
I don't recall welcoming them either so I have no idea where this actually came from.
Your call for universal tolerance equates being gay with being bigoted. I don't tolerate bigotry.
well, I made no such equation. I merely observed that holding another point of view should not be an excuse for anyone to be treated in a hostile manner. I think your almost knee-jerk response to what I wrote may go some way to demonstrating my point.
@ Anonymous
I really can't add anything big, except my voice. Just hang in there. Be yourself.
And be welcome at boingboing where you ARE allowed to be yourself.
this post (and many of the comments) is what's right with america. thank you for posting this.
Freddy No No: You think it's faked. So what if it is? There are probably tens of thousands of kids who could identify with it in a meaningful way, so the many sincere, well-intended comments are of real service.
And honestly, your primary disproof is, "He's thirteen and a poor speller, which is unpossible."
* The "being gay is an affliction" idea, not the Christianity idea, which can be fine so long as you play it cool.
er, the uk? the world. yeah, the world.
Thanks for clarifying, David. Sorry if it seems that I put words in your mouth, but I don't really think that a "differing opinion" on this issue requires tolerance and understanding. I understand that you are not promoting these bigoted sentiments yourself. However, I won't extend tolerance to someone who views the lives of an entire subset of the population as being abhorrent. In my mind, it is akin to being tolerant of people who espouse racist or sexist views. I wouldn't rush to defend or tolerate somebody who felt that African Americans are somehow less than human because of the colour of their skin, and I wouldn't do it for somebody who views homosexuality as a sin to be rid from the earth either. True we should understand a parent's concern, but these repressive loons took it much to far.
Apologies for jumping on you for the "choice versus inborn trait" thing, as well as the "promotion of tolerance towards bigots" one. I misunderstood the intent of your words.
The problem arises then, that if you don't view them as equals to you, you have no ground whatsoever from which to ask them to see others as equals.
Equality has to be believed in and practiced similarly to a religion. One cannot spread its practice if they openly deny the truth of the concept. If we think others aren't deserving of our respect then we capitulate entirely and admit that we don't believe in treating everyone equally.
I've caught a lot of flak for advocating this viewpoint in the past but look at it at the basest level: it's saying to treat people kindly even if you disagree with them. Honestly, how is that going to harm anyone, especially compared to the alternative?
It is hard work, of course, but anything worthwhile is.
It's been said many times already, but Xeni, you got so many points in my book for doing this. Thanks :)
And to Anonymous gay kid, I suppose my advice would be to not let the issue consume your whole life. It's difficult to conceptualize the future, especially at your age, but things will most likely turn out OK in the end, regardless of how oppressed you feel as a teenager. I remember trying to come out to my parents at a similar age, and it didn't go very well. I just let that side of me lie low until I left for college (as far as my parents could see anyway) and poured my energy into other things that made them plenty proud in the meantime.
It's funny how much not being accepted can teach you about the world, and about yourself. I'm sorry you probably can't see that now, but believe me when I say that you'll be proud of who you come out to be in the end (pun semi-intended). I really do believe that people who go through these kinds of hardships during their formative years are lucky at the end of the day. You'll find that you've developed a unique perspective on the world that many other people will never have, and which will allow you to rise and meet many of life's hurdles with an inner fortitude that many other people will have never achieved.
I would also like to issue one word of practical advice: When you finally leave home and are free to do what you will, try to be sensible about the choices you make. I was fortunate to have been too shy to pursue every other guy I met when I left home and started college, but I had many gay friends coming from similar situations who weren't, and who went a little too crazy with their newly found freedom. Such a new freedom can be a truly double-edged sword, so be sure to wield it very carefully. I would have you remember to respect yourself enough to make good decisions, even when the options you have newly available to you are all so numerous and exciting.
In all, I hope for you simply the great life I know you're capable of creating for yourself out of your "less-than-desirable" situation. Good luck, and try to enjoy the ride :)
Good luck, Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
Hang in there. Try not to end up hating your parents- they've been dealt a very difficult thing to understand. Maybe they will never understand, but hopefully they will learn to accept and respect it. Christianity is about love, first of all, though people forget it. It is about not hurting and not judging. We forget that. I am ashamed that we do.
Try not to end up hating the religion either. It has many ugly flaws, and many wonderful qualities, too. I know it's horrible when one of those flaws strikes directly at you- I know from personal experience, because my sexual identity does not fit the accepted mold either. So I know that it is very very hard to find a middle ground, to intelligently and sensitively mix your own beliefs with those your church suggests to you. Often you will have to stand against what many people you value and respect believe is right. Unfortunately homosexuals have become scapegoats, because people like to feel good about themselves- and what better way to do that than pointing out a sin most of them can NEVER commit? People are weak, dear Anonymous, weak and more frightened than they admit. You will see this among Christians, among Atheists, among every single group that makes up the human race.
Hang in there. Take it slow. Understand that it is difficult for your parents, too, and just as you can't 'flick a switch' and become straight, they can't instantly or easily let go of the beliefs they have devoted themselves to. They have probably never had to deal with this before, and never thought they would, so they are thoroughly unprepared and think their only choice is to fight. Be patient with them- because they are your parents. But don't give in, don't try to change or repress who you really are. It will be difficult but hopefully, everything will turn out all right. What matters most is what YOU believe about yourself, about God, about the world, and about people. If it does not fit a standard mold...then congratulations. You are human.
God bless you, and may He give your family enough wisdom and love to get through this.
@Cog
"The first is that people like this commenter don't need to have any sex at all"
A persons body is their own to decide about. You don't get to tell people when and when not to have sex. You can keep your christian moralising to yourself.
Commenters like you dont need to be having sex at all.
Overreaction. This kid is 13. Straight or gay, most parents would not want their teenager having sex. It isn't necessarily "Christian moralizing," but a simple matter of normal parental fear. Welcome to the world of strict parents. Many of us have had them and many of us have survived them. If we think not having a boyfriend until age 18 is "abuse" and "moralizing," jeez, I guess at 24 now I had a reeeeeally old-fashioned childhood.
I understand these parents are seriously overstepping the line when it comes to setting down boundaries for this kid, but please, can we stop this bash-a-thon of Christians?
What a heartbreaking story. It's really a ahame that this young person can't feel free to express themselves due to religious and social dogma.
My only advice? Scream louder. Keep screaming it from the rooftops until your parents get it in their heads that this isn't a condition or phase or practice. It is who you are and no amount of religious brow-beating is going to change it.
That said, your parents are practicing a very fundamental version of Christianity which rivals radical Islam in a lot of ways. Which means they may not ever change how they feel about homosexuality.
You do need an outlet though. The events that occur now may adversly affect you for the rest of your life. Find someone you trust to talk to you about it. Approach your parents and tell them you need to talk about it without them yelling or believing there is something wrong with you. Ask them to let their love for you move them instead of their religious beliefs.
I wish you nothing but peace and happiness and love.
I was thinking about my last remarks and I feel they be viewed as inflammatory. For that, I apologize. I don't mean them to be.
It breaks my heart that these types of situations exist. I trust Christ and I can honestly say that if one of my children told me one day that they are homosexual, the only thing I would fear is the reaction they will get from others in our community.
These types of conversations are needed though and I thank Xeni for posting this. We are at a critical stage in sociatal evolution and I really hope this young person finds the love and compassion they so desperately need.
To Anonymous: You are perfect just the way you are. Your parents do love you, I'm sure. Just embrace who you are and try to keep the dialog open with your parents. Help them see that you are still the child they love and make sure they understand that Christ loves you for who you are and how He created you.
Xeni, you did a really nice thing there - helping a stranger in need. It's almost... christian. Oh damn, now I've confused myself.
Pretty much the same way I knew I was straight when I was 13--it was all I could think about.
"That does not kill you serves to make you stronger"
I heard that quite often growing up. At twelve I moved from a wealthy suburb of Detroit (it was 1977 then different times), where at the beginning of middle school I was enrolled in advanced classes, to a school where there was only 50 people in my entire class. Because I was a shy, 6'tall red head with glasses and braces I was treated as a (pardon) 'tard. Though not gay I suffered badly for my differences. As an adult I can look back and smile, I have good friends and a wonderful family, you too should be able to look back one day and smile. Just don't let the bastards get you down. Do what you need to survive; stay away from the drugs and alcohol, grow strong and move to where you're accepted for who you are not what you are.
Dear Anon:
There's the Trevor Helpline in the U.S., if you're from there. It's for gay youth in crisis situations like you. 866-4-U-TREVOR.
Besides help resources, here are a couple of things that could give you a sense that there's a world for you out there, and that could brighten your day. There's a great book from Kirk Read called 'How I Learned To Snap' that's about growing up gay in the deep South of the U.S. - it's sometimes funny, sometimes sad, sometimes angry, and frequently heart-warming. Try to get your hands on it. There's also a really nice web-comic about queer youth at www.khaoskomix.com with a very friendly community on the forum - you might be stuck in your home, but it doesn't mean that you can't be in touch with the rest of the world.
Hang in there. Remember that you are special, and that you are beautiful.
Just a suggestion to the moderator--I think it's fantastic that people are providing links to resources where this teen could possibly find some support and counseling, but I am wondering if people offering personal contact through email is really appropriate. It's probably well-intentioned, but no one has any way of knowing if this person is who he/she claims to be, or if it is someone who sees an opportunity to exploit a young gay teen.
This isn't about letting the kid have sex...of course he shouldn't, at 13! But his post implies that his parents only imposed the restrictions upon finding out he was gay.
I guess if they were just as strict before, it's not as dramatic, because it's not imprisonment with the purpose of changing the kid (aka be straight or you're grounded for the next five years), just general parental paranoia. Which still sucks.
Hard to tell from the original post, come to think of it. Regardless, I feel for the kid, it's horrible to feel trapped like that.
Who said anything about having sex?
Stay strong anonymous, one day all the ignorant people out there will realise just how wrong they are.
I am a hetero male. And I've known that I was hetero since I was five. I have no reason to believe that a gay person is any different than I am. Of course a 13 year old can know that they are gay.
But there are straight allies out there. I am one. You are not alone. You will find allies and those that will support you. Just hold on.
Assuming you do not want to be home schooled, I think if you spoke to the principal of your local school or to children's services, they would make your parents put you in school. I was home schooled for 9-12th grade because it was awesome and I learned a lot, but it was actually kind of a struggle to keep the school district from forcing me to go to the public school. (Which was a good one, and perhaps I should have gone!) If they got wind of you being home schooled against your will, you probably would be put into the public schools right away.
Now, keep in mind, only do that if you REALLY don't want to be home schooled! Because there's almost certainly no going back - it's a one-shot decision.
And I'm going to join the chorus and say, you're wonderful the way you are, and Xeni rocks for making this post.
I'm not trying to be mean to the kid here, but seriously, he's 13. I think his situation is awful -- to be something your parents not only disapprove of, but loathe. But at 13, everything bad feels a million times worse. And I hate to say this, but most teenagers feel persecuted too.
This kid has definitely more legitimate reason to think so, but I'm still holding back, barring more evidence of abuse.
"Also i have no internet unless for emergencies, no friends houses, no phone, no boy friends til i'm 18. The only times i can get out is to christian youth groups so i have no life for the next 5 years ( cause i'm 13)"
All the restrictions above really, REALLY suck, but I can't think of this as something hateful. No internet unless for "emergencies"? What's an emergency use for internet? No phone -- whatever. Teens often tie up the phone so they're kicked off anyway, or aren't given a cellphone. Tough. No boyfriends until age 18 -- common. Actually, I'm really surprised his parents said that -- if they were really hateful, they'd tell him no boyfriends AT ALL. Did anyone pick up on this?
No friends' houses -- again, rough, but I'm still not aghast. I think his parents *are* being unreasonably strict, but I don't see why he can't get around them anyway. Invite friends over. Go to the library and use internet there, or just read. Read up on gay subjects in books. Sign up for school-sanctioned extracurricular activities. Give those Christian youth groups a chance -- you might meet someone cool and maybe your parents would let you hang out with a fellow Christian.
If you really think you need help, maybe a school counsellor can provide some adult intervention or mediation -- someone from your old school or your current private one. Even a priest could be sympathetic if you find the right one. Sometimes the conflicts between parent and child can go so deep that they need a third-party everyone trusts.
"But his post implies that his parents only imposed the restrictions upon finding out he was gay."
Yeah, but girls get these restrictions all the time *because we're girls.* We deal with it; we gripe, and we scream, and eventually either the parents crumble or we wait until we can leave and do whatever we want.
My advice: Make the best of it, get a job and save up money, educate yourself as much as you can (see the above about books), shore up your grades, and when you're of legal age, get the hell out to college. 18 really isn't that far away, and it'll only be the beginning.
BoingBoing - thanks so much for this. Anonymous, know that many of us (including lots of Christians) think you are wonderful just the way you are.
I don't think others have mentioned SMYAL http://www.smyal.org/ which is a great organization for young people. You can call them at 202.546.5940.
Sending you many many good wishes!
Check out this DVD (your local library might have it): "For the Bible Tells Me So," directed by Daniel Karslake. Make your parents watch it.
http://www.worldcat.org/oclc/182561748&referer=brief_results
(This is a link to help people find the DVD at their local libraries.)
I forgot to add that some of my most varied and interesting (and dirty) friends came from Christian youth groups. Including gay ones! See, just as you've found, being gay or goth or awesome really don't come from your parents. They come from you, and the other kids in the group are going through the same things you are and some of them will be kindred spirits. Some of them will swallow their parent's morality hook line and sinker but you'll find some friends. I promise!
"Yeah, but girls get these restrictions all the time *because we're girls.*"
Now that's an exaggeration, I think, I've met very few girls who were forbidden to have boyfriends or leave the house until age 18, and if so that was because their parents were already pretty crazy. But maybe it's a cultural thing.
In any case, when that happens, it is just as wrong as the idea that, for example, it is more appropriate for boys to be promiscuous than girls. Or that men should not cry. It's wrong, and it doesn't make the wrong of parents locking their kid in *because he is gay* into a right.
The 'no boyfriends until 18' part I assumed came from the fact that at 18, he's legally an adult. Although I don't know what the age of consent is in the US. And 18 is way too old to JUST start dating- by then you should have had the chance to learn something about relationships first hand.
My heart goes out to you Anon, this whole situation is very mucked up and I hope that you will make it through.
I would also venture to say that your parent's do-not sound very Christian to me, they do not appear to be displaying any sort of grace or freedom that is what Christianity is supposed to be based on. These kinds of "Christians" make my blood boil, they give the good ones a bad name.
At 13, I thought I was straight. Unfortunately, all sorts of talk shows would have someone say something like "I didn't know I was gay until I was 17" So I spent the next several years thinking "Crap! I've got to wait 4 years before I find out?"
Turns out I really am straight. Screw you daytime talk shows for messing with my mind! Teenage years are bad enough without your garbage.
No, I didn't say it was *right.* In fact, I didn't say it was wrong or right. I just pointed out it's a parent prerogative that is not uncommon. If you don't know people like that, that's fine. But I do.
I really think people here are forgetting that yeah, parents can be tyrants sometimes. Sometimes, it's abusive and a result of genuine bigotry but most of the time, they're just strict and paranoid. There's a line there.
I just think this kid needs to take it as the latter unless something else happens. Making his parents out to be the devil may or may not be accurate, but it sure isn't helpful.
"And 18 is way too old to JUST start dating- by then you should have had the chance to learn something about relationships first hand."
Thanks, but I had my first boyfriend at 19. I'm doing OK. I learned about relationships by having friendships ... interacting with *people.* Romance adds extra difficulties, but I haven't seen evidence that starting earlier than 18 makes you better at it.
Wow, what a great post. I just want to say that not all Christians are like these parents. Like so many people, they are afraid of what the do not know. God does not hate homosexuals. He loves them, just as they are. Don't "swallow your parents morality hook line and sinker." You have freedom of thought, and freedom to do what's right. Homosexuality is no more condemnable than eating at Red Lobster. Next time your parent eat some shrimp, ask them when was the last time they read Leviticus (if ever).
Xeni Jardin is so totally cool for addressing this person. I have visited Boing Boing for some time now & love it. I cried when I read this. I love Xeni for her role in this persons life. Thank you Xeni.
What I'm saying is that (massively) disagreeing with your parents, and having to endure some of their outdated misconceptions and restrictions, is basically a normal part of many, MANY people's youth. Do any of you remember disagreeing seriously with your parents about something? Maybe about sex, or curfews, your choice of college or major, or who you brought home to see Grandma? Yeah. Same thing, except maybe your parents weren't homophobes.
I think we need to separate the fact that his parents are doing this because he's gay, because nailing that fact doesn't really help, or change anything. So it's OK if his parents are just insanely strict for no reason? What if they weren't Christians? What if this kid wasn't gay?
And what are we doing to do anyway? Charge his parents with a hate crime?
Yeah, so this kid's situation sucks. Duh. His parents are pretty wrong in being so strict, and basing it on his homosexuality is hugely wrong. Of course.
But no matter what millions of Boing-Boingers think about gender issues or gay rights, it doesn't change he's 13-year-old who needs the roof over his head and the food in his stomach that his parents give him now.
And whatever we think about "cultural" ideas of how to raise your kids, it's not changing how his parents get to treat him, and we have to respect their right to do that -- unless it turns genuinely abusive.
So my advice is all based on that.
Don't forget gays are a minority. For every gay boy who's been treated like crap by his parents, a girl is out there being treated like crap by her parents. You don't know as many girls who have a strict upbringing because there are millions more girls out there than gay boys. Just a fact of numbers.
"Thanks, but I had my first boyfriend at 19. I'm doing OK."
Well, I had my first 'encounter', for better word, at 17. And I'm not doing OK. I was never forbidden to do it earlier but I was discouraged from having a normal teenage social life because my parents were worried that I wasn't ready. So while everyone was dating, flirting, expressing interest and exploring their budding sexuality as well as the responsibility that comes with it, I was reading books at home and wondering why I didn't understand what went on in the outside world. The result is that I am very well-read but completely illiterate in the language of romance. At 27, I am still not ready, because I missed the best period of my life for learning how to deal with relationships.
Of course as in most cases YMMV.
To clarify, what I mean when I say 18 is too late to start is that it's too late to START. There is no need to have boyfriends or gilfriends much earlier on, but at least the kid should feel comfortable with the fact that this stage of their life is beginning, and that they can feel attracted to others, and follow up on that attraction, instead of being persuaded that they shouldn't even think about it yet.
You're right about the numbers though, I just didn't see what it mattered.
I don't think this kid's problem is having his thoughts suppressed by his parents. He can still flirt, have friends he might be secretly attracted to (hey, I did that!), and explore his sexuality fairly adequately by himself.
The only problem I see here is if he starts thinking his feelings and thoughts are *wrong*, but I don't think he does. His problem is having his *actions* restricted by his parents, which is, as I pointed out repeatedly, not uncommon.
I don't know how to not sound trite, but seriously, it's never too late and there isn't a "best period." Don't psych yourself out.
My parents kept telling me my teenage years were the "best of my life" and you know what? That just depressed me. Sure, it was easy to make friends when you see the same people every day, but the people you meet after high school are more likely to be smarter, surer, and most importantly, more real. They know more about themselves, and they're starting to make choices in their lives.
Those are real relationships; that's when you really get the opportunity to know someone meaningfully.
High school was just sex and play-acting for 90% of the couples all of us knew.
So yeah, Anon, back to you: Don't fret.
Dear anonymous,
I hate that your parents are not accepting of you. I have 3 children and if any one of them came out to me I would sit down with them and listen to their reasons. A love from a parent should be complete and unconditional. Keep your chin up. It may be that this is just a shock to them. Just follow their rules for now and see if they come around. Many people on here are thinking of you and supporting you.
I am glad for your nuanced opinion on the matter- that you are willing to realize that parents must sometimes things about accept their children that they do not like.
You err, however, on one of the most important points. Sexual orientation is not a decision. It simply exists, and this teen can no more opt out of the orientation he was born with than he can choose his race or gender. It is for this reason, and not out of compassion in the face of some regrettable decision, that tolerance is needed and called for.
Just adding another voice to the chorus -- you are not alone, anonymous, and you are just fine the way you are. I'm a dad who would be proud of any son or daughter who showed as much courage as you.
Have you considered contacting child protective services? The environment you've described is abusive. If you could handle placement in the foster system, it might be one way to more or less literally escape.
You took the words right out of my mouth. It wouldn't be my first choice, but yes, if they keep him locked at home for any length of time, CPS should be called in.
I think it's important to say that running away, though it may seem the easiest option, is rarely the best. Just because you are gay and your parents don't like it isn't a good reason to end up homeless, uneducated, and alone.
Chances are, your parents will calm down. Their immediate reaction seems awfully excessive, to be sure, but only the coldest of people can hate their own children. In time, they will likely come around.
And if they don't, there are other ways. Your parents can't make you stay inside; my parents learned that the hard way. They also can't lock you out on the street -- they are responsible for your well-being. If you can't do things at home, then do them at church or at a friends' house -- they can't control you when they're not around.
Above all else, remember that your parents don't own you and they don't have absolute control over you. You can walk out if you want, you can skip church and go talk to a friends, a counselor, or even the cops. There are limits to what your parents can do, both physically and legally.
And just because they say it, doesn't mean it's true. They probably think you are an abomination for being gay, but as you can see from all the comments, that's just their opinion. There are many people here, both gay and straight, who think there's nothing wrong with being who you are. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Part of growing up is learning to live your life the way you want to live it; it sucks to have to start taking that journey at 13, but I was half way through university before I truly lived my life by own rules and not by somebody else's expectations of me. Stay true to yourself and do what you think is best for you.
But don't forget that family is family. You only have one and they can be awfully nice to have around. If your family disowns you, then that's a loss you'll just have to accept, but don't try to burn your bridges. Getting mad, running away, and refusing to talk to your parents will just leave you without a family to lean on when you need them the most. Instead, try to reason with them, show them that you're not a bad person for being gay, and that you are their child and they should love you for that no matter if you are gay or not.
The sad truth is, they may never understand. If they are cutting you off from the world, they are either ashamed of you or they think some external force is making you gay. Either way, it may be impossible to shake them of their beliefs. You may just have to accept the fact that they will never understand, they will never change, and you'll never be able to see eye-to-eye with them. Truthfully, though, we all have our challenges growing up, so don't feel too bad -- if it weren't your sexual orientation, it would just be something else that they wouldn't be happy with.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I know what's it like: I suffered through years of animosity with my family and only recently started trying to come to terms with it. Nobody is ever prepared for it; whether they are 13 or 35. All I can say is, whatever happens, it's never the end of the world. Life will go on, and even if you and your parents can never come to terms with it, even if you spend the next five years of your life fighting and hiding, there will still be so much more to enjoy in life. Never let it be a reason to give up, to deny who you are, or to hate yourself.
We can never be everything to everybody -- there will always be somebody who isn't happy with who we are. What's important is that we are happy with ourselves and with our choices. We have to be true to ourselves, to our dreams, and our desires.
Good luck, kid. We know how hard it is, because we've been there. Whatever happens, you'll make it through.
When did you realize you were straight?
Actually, I think this is entirely abusive. Denying children TV or Internet as punishment or out of concern is one thing -- these aren't necessary forms of communication. But denying him the ability to interact with anyone outside of his own house? That's abusive. Being 13, he's in his most important years for developing friendships and learning social skills. Hiding him away from the world for any reason is going to impair his ability to learn these skills. I've seen what people look like coming out of these situations, and it's not pretty.
I had a girlfriend once who came from exactly that kind of situation (seriously overprotective parents who wanted to shelter her from the evils of the world) and it meant that her teenage rebellion started when she was 19. She was wholly unprepared for the world she was about to enter into because her parents never gave her the opportunity to experience it. The law expects you will make stupid mistakes when you are 13 and it takes it easy on you when you end up passed out drunk in a gutter somewhere, but by the time you leave home you are expected to know what's what. Having to make those mistakes when you are an adult is terrible and can leave the person with a criminal record or worse.
Yes, parents have a right to teach their children as they see fit, but children have rights too. They have a right to be loved, educated, and form relationships with others. These are basic human rights and they don't start when you hit 18. Just because a parent can choose what they want for their child doesn't mean that we as a society have to accept it. If there really are that many people in the world who think his parents' actions are detrimental to him, then there's a good argument for forcing them to change their ways. That's why child protective services exists and it's why corporal punishment is illegal in many places.
Parents can punish and they can teach the way they want to, but they can't deny their kids basic needs in life like love and friendship. We may not be able to stop them, but this young man should at least know that what they are doing is not fair and it's not right. Heaven forbid he grow up thinking their behavior is normal and acceptable and that he's the one doing wrong.
Dear Anon,
You've got a really rough situation right now, but it's five years out of eighty. Once you're 18, your life is your own, and you will live it gloriously.
But, for the next five years, you need to do a few things to get ready to be glorious:
learn some very solid computer skills
make up for that crappy Christian homeschool education they've saddled you with
Hang onto your PS3 so you can keep the internet. Learn *everything* you can right now about hiding your tracks while browsing online. Your parents are eventually going to crack and let you back on the computer. You need to ensure that they are clueless about what you're doing once you're on it- learn your lesson from this myspace adventure.
And, in order for you to get to a non-fundamentalist Christian college when you turn eighteen, you're going to need to relearn a lot of the dreck you've learned in homeschooling. Check out physics, biology, psychology, philosophy, and logic- though be careful- your parents might have as big of a cow about you reading about evolution as being gay. And, get totally solid on the basics- math, reading, spelling. These things really matter in the adult world ... much more so than Bible stuff. Assume that if your parents are this wrong about what it means to be gay, they may very well have been equally wrong about *anything* they've told you in the last thirteen years.
There's a huge, wonderful world out there with all kinds of fascinating things going on. Your parents have prepared you for a very small and angry corner of it.
In order to take advantage of all the world has to offer, you have to know what's going on in the big world and to have the tools and skills and knowledge to fit in. Check out scholarships and grants to help pay for college- there are lots of them. Community colleges are cheaper and a great place to get a start, and, if you play your cards right, you can start taking classes at a community college when you're sixteen or so if you and your parents can agree on the subjects. Get a homeschool job that teaches you some "adult" skills- if you get extra points with your parents for being with adults from church, find someone who needs help with book-keeping for their business or who needs an assistant for their trade. If someone has a restaurant, become a server or a cook. When you're sixteen, open a bank account and start saving. Learn about credit and credit cards, and *don't* max them out. Learn as much as you can about everything that you can, so when you're eighteen, you'll be ready to fly.
Good luck! Well done on finding BoingBoing and reaching out! Check out the resources others have given you. You are going to be a terrific guy and a great boyfriend and husband. You are going to have a beautiful, wonderful life.
I'll post this anonymously to protect my son's privacy.
I've known my son has been gay since he was 5. He is 8 now, and he still hasn't quite realized it yet, although he is starting to notice that he is "different" from most other boys. He's always been clear about his preferences, he's stated that he won't be getting married and he's pointed out "good looking boys" that make him "feel funny" before he had any idea what that meant.
We're both lucky that I noticed early and I've had time to get used to the idea. I've taken the opportunity, when these topics come up, to make sure he knows I will love him no matter what he chooses to "be" in life.
I wish he wasn't gay because it implies he will encounter certain teasing, discrimination, and bigotry. Parts of the family are devote Christian and have expressed their unreasoning hatred for gays. It also means he won't be having a traditional family and I probably won't be getting grandchildren from him. I also wish he was a little taller so he could play basketball :-) But that's the hand he's been dealt, and I will help him all I can.
The other day I heard one of his friends ask him accusingly if he were gay so I guess the difficult part is about to begin.
And to the anonymous teen know that your parents have had a mental idea of who you are, what your life will look like as you grow up, and what their place will be in your life. All of that was shattered suddenly and they will need time to regroup mentally and figure out that you are still the same son they love but they have to adjust to who you really are not their fantasy of who they imagined you to be. It's the same process, really, that all parents go through as their children grow. It just happened more suddenly and with no warning for your parents. I wish you luck and hope they get over themselves sooner rather than later. In the end it is your life and you can't and shouldn't change who you are. They will come around, eventually. They don't have any other choice if they want their son in their lives after you grow up and move out.
Thanks for the awesome post Xeni! I would suggest going specifically to Youth Resource (http://www.amplifyyourvoice.org/youthresource) on Amplifyyourvoice.org. Youth Resource is a web site created by and for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and questioning (GLBTQ) young people. It takes a holistic approach to sexual health and exploring issues of concern to GLBTQ youth, by providing information and offer support on sexual and reproductive health issues through education and advocacy.
I know you said you don't have Internet, but hopefully you can access it off and on. I started a website earlier this year, www.ImFromDriftwood.com, which is aimed at helping gay youth feel not so alone. It's a collection of true LGBT stories from all over the world. I know the stories won't help you escape your predicament, but hopefully some of them will help you realize you're not the only one out there and you're perfect just the way you are.
Please take care and feel free to contact me: [redacted]
man it sux this kid doesn't have Internet...argh.
Anonymous teen, this quote is from V for Vendetta. It's a movie your parents probably wouldn't let you see. But this quote makes me cry every time I read it and I think it's very fitting for your situation...
"Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."
Um, nowhere in his letter did he say "he can't make friends." It says his parents forbid him to go to friends' houses -- which I pointed out he could get around by inviting them over. He can also make friends at private school, which he SAYS he attends. He can also make friends at the Christian youth groups; I'm pretty sure not every Christian out there is a bigot.
I'm betting he'd be allowed to go the library or join school teams or school clubs too, since they're all official environments. He hasn't mentioned those.
"The law expects you will make stupid mistakes when you are 13 and it takes it easy on you when you end up passed out drunk in a gutter somewhere, but by the time you leave home you are expected to know what's what. Having to make those mistakes when you are an adult is terrible and can leave the person with a criminal record or worse."
What is UP with people thinking you need to do all this crazy shit before you're 18? Yeah, you need to know reality, but you don't necessarily learn it by passing out drunk in a gutter, Jesus Christ. I grew up relatively sheltered, not extremely, and I've always been a late bloomer, and I'm *fine.* I have no criminal record. I still have sex (and enjoy it), I drink, I smoke weed, I have a job, I rent my own place, I have a great boyfriend.
Guess what? Leaving home is what teaches you "what's what." Did you ever live in residence at college? Idiots ABOUND. Sometimes people gotta learn by diving in headfirst.
What this kid needs RIGHT NOW is to learn and grow the right *mindset* to navigate the new experiences he'll have later. He doesn't need a fish; he needs a fishing rod. Once he's got the right set of thinking skills, he'll do better than any kid who just does crap blindly.
He doesn't *need* to do anything else. Yeah, ideally, he should given the choice to, but given his situation, it's not impossible to grow up perfectly well-adjusted without acting out.
"Heaven forbid he grow up thinking their behavior is normal and acceptable and that he's the one doing wrong."
He doesn't have a problem with thinking what they're doing is wrong. He knows -- read his letter again. What he's asking for (to me) is a strategy to deal with it.
"That's why child protective services exists and it's why corporal punishment is illegal in many places."
Nowhere in his letter does he say anything about his parents abusing him directly -- he could have simply overheard their opinions in a discussion -- or laying a hand on him. Do NOT escalate this beyond what he's told us.
My parents have opinions I disagree with strongly -- at one point, they didn't believe gay people should be allowed to marry. Is that "abuse" of me? No, it just meant my parents were freakin' morons.
"What is UP with people thinking you need to do all this crazy shit before you're 18?"
You don't need to do crazy shit but the thing is most teenage kids want to party! And they need to learn about how the world works, in practice. I was overprotected and you know what happened when I finally had to get out on my own? I didn't know the basics. I had trouble figuring out the simplest, stupidest things, like how to take a bus across town without panicking when it turns out to be the wrong one. It took me a long time to relax and start functioning more or less normally, without this fear that I'm outside, on my own, and my parents don't know where I am.
I may be an extreme case but I'll say again, the teenage years are for learning about life, not waiting for it to start.
Look folks,
Whether or not this is a troll is not the issue. If this kid does not exist, there are millions in this situation that do exist. Remember, you are writing these wonderful comments to many kids like this one. Now,
Kid, I love you, many others love you, Jesus loves you. 5 years seems like a long time but you will make it through. I want you to start dreaming about the new world you are going to get when you turn 18. I am on your side and have your back.
In time, everything will be alright.
Fuck the nay-sayers.
You're gunna be big.
Hmm I really didn't see this as a "bash-a-thon of Christians." What most people are saying are practical and uplifting ways to deal with extremely strict parents. These parents are just saying "you can't date." They're taking away almost all forms of communication with the outside world (forcing the kid into homeschooling at 13, etc). Do you really think that's normal?
Good luck kiddo. It is going to be rough, especially going through your teen years, with control freak parents. It is really hard, when you have abusive parents (and make no mistake, they are abusing you), because the fallback position in our society is, parents know best. You know and I know that ain't necessarily so.
There are going to be times when you are just emotionally buried by all of this. You can get through it. You will get through it.
In the meantime, to the extent that you can, throw yourself into your studies. Don't even start with the mindset that you are going to settle for a high school diploma. Fuck that. Shoot for college and beyond. If you are under house arrest, study hard. Study until your eyes are bloodshot and your brain bleeds. You'd be surprised how quickly you will outstrip your parents' education and their ability to teach you. Study and study! You won't have many distractions. You can set yourself up for some good scholarships.
And then you might consider becoming an evolutionary biologist. That would really get their goats, eh?
And while some posters here have commented that it is possible to be a christian and gay, remember you don't have to be a christian. Your parents can't make you straight and they can't force you to believe. You don't need any kind of religion. Atheism is wonderful. It allows you to discard all kinds of ridiculous baggage.
Five years is a long time. It feels longer when you are young. As we get older, our perception is such that time seems to gallop along and the years whiz past us. You aren't there yet. So hunker down and study. And know that while your parents are using their legal rights (because the law sees you pretty much as chattel) to limit your access to the world, you KNOW it is a bigger and far more amazing place than they could ever imagine. It will be here and waiting for you when you are legally free.
Please urge this person to call the Trevor Project's 24 GLBT Youth Crisis and Suicide Hotline 866-4-U-TREVOR or www.trevorproject.org. I work as a crisis counselor and we help teens through situations like this each and every day. THANKS for posting this!
In Canada, you have access to Kids' Help Phone. If you can get access to a pay phone, give them a call anytime 24/7. http://www.kidshelpphone.ca 1-800-668-6868
I have another suggestion that may scare you. I don't know your parents, but you might be surprised at the results.
Talk to them.
You may have a range of emotions right now and you may be in a rush to express them all but feel that the words to convey this to your parents is trapped inside you. Either you don't want or know how to tell them, or you feel they may not want to hear it.
Take the risk. What is the worst that will happen to you? They will be mad with you and will continue to not let you use the phone/internet/date anyone/date boys you're not interested in until you're 18.
Start with something small, like having access to the phone. Tell them you would like to use it, and give them a few reasons why. Your request should not take more than 1-2 minutes. Try to stay calm, no matter what they say. If they so no, say OK, thanks for listening.
You'd be surprised. If you approach this calmly, their answer of saying no, does not automatically mean, "I am not listening." You are challenging their whole way of thinking, so their No or silence, may mean, "I have to think about this." Your parents may also talk about it together at a later time. The fact that you make this request calmly and leave them to think for a week or more may enable you a higher chance of being heard.
Even if they are not being compassionate now, treat them with compassion. Communicate with them in the way you would like them to communicate with you.
How does one make friends if they're home schooled and rarely get out of the house except to go to church youth group? If this kid feels isolated and repressed because of his parents' version of Christianity he/she may not feel comfortable being able to make friends in that group.
I'm making a lot of assumptions here, but I know from my church youth group experience while growing up that these kinds of kids are often shunned as outsiders. There was a girl that was in my church youth group that was a bit of an outsider and she wound up committing suicide. I just think this kid's situation sounds very isolating.
Woh!! Long Thread...
First things first, Xeni, you Rock!!! This thread is amazing to see all the support for one anonymous user.
(Maybe this has been said, but the thread is really long) -- Since he is using his PS2 to browse, and his access to the internet is highly limited, I would ask Xeni or others to update the post with some phone numbers. I would, but I'm lacking that kind of resource.
Good luck to you anonymous, keep your light alive and it will shine brightly soon enough.
Dear Anonymous,
Not only are libraries great resources for information about GLBTQ issues, many libraries are developing programs just for teens. This means that there are structured activities for people your age (usually grades 6 - 12 or age 12 - 18). There are teen clubs, councils (that will look good for college), game nights, etc that are just for teens. (there may even be a Gay-Straight Alliance at your library)
It might take some doing, but it will be worth talking your parents into letting you participate in the activities at your library. Not only do some really look good on college applications, but teens who are involved with the library are pretty cool people. The library is definitely a safe place to be who you are and this might be a way for you to feel like you have more of a social life.
Good luck!
"Have you considered contacting child protective services? The environment you've described is abusive."
please. his situation is unfair, miserable, and oppressive, but throwing the word 'abuse' around to describe his situation is a disservice to those who are being actively abused. As much as we may disagree with his parents, they are his parents, and are entitled to raise him as they see fit. Regardless of the shittiness of his situation, getting the government involved is not the answer. I know a lot of liberals find that concept incomprehensible, but the foster system is much worse than what he is describing.
"Call child services. Being gay isn't a punishable offense. Preventing you from outside communication is a kind of abuse. "
No, it isn't. Children are not entitled to the same rights as adults. ON THE OTHER HAND I've always been of the opinion that 13 is plenty old for a person to start working and taking care of more adult affairs, as well as gaining a bit more autonomy/independence.
"Assuming you do not want to be home schooled, I think if you spoke to the principal of your local school or to children's services, they would make your parents put you in school."
again, really? run and tell the government so they can strong arm the parents into putting their kid into a school system that they are obviously opposed to?
the kid needs to hunker down and wait it out. IF it escalates to physical abuse, and i mean REAL physical abuse, only then should anyone else get involved. until then, well, sorry kid, that's the hand you were dealt, and that sucks, but its not the end of the world. unfortunately, 13-18 are the longest years of your life.
Jesus loves you and I do too.
I'm posting this a bit late, I know, but to the kid for whom this post was written, I totally support you (and everyone else in a similar predicament). Good luck. -)
I admit that I have not read all of the previous 144 posts.
I thought it was a helpful and thoughtful reply to someone in pain...
until you called him 'a little happy mutant'.
Good grief, Charlie Brown, you need to be more sensitive!
That may have been a valid point if you did not choose the word 'decision'. You posted this comment as if we were to all look at you as such a tolerant progressive catholic, but sadly all the comment did was further instill the ignorance about sexuality in the church. Comments like these are why I have an absolute hatred for the church for spreading this ignorance, and allowing them to treat people whom I love and care for as second class citizens.
Anonymous: You'll be surprised how well a helping hand can get you through this. Any of the hotlines, or any one of the supportive Boing Boing members are more then willing to be here to help you through. You've got a ton of amazing advice here, and mostly all of it will help greatly! Best of luck to you, and please keep us updated when you get internet access for those 'emergencies', such as the one you are living through now!
"again, really? run and tell the government so they can strong arm the parents into putting their kid into a school system that they are obviously opposed to?"
Yes. The child needs an education, and if the parents are home schooling him for the wrong reasons - which it's clear they are - then he's not going to get a good one. It's the parent's responsibility as members of society to make sure the child grows up to become a functional member of that society. It's society's duty to act as a check - if the child is not being educated or is being mistreated, they have the right to compel the parents to send him to school.
Remember - this is coming from someone that was home schooled and that knows it can be a wonderful thing. But it can also be a horrible, horrible thing that results in bent and destroyed humans. I'm not saying that's what will result here, but several warning signs are evident: social isolation coupled with fanatically religious and controlling parents.
The kid'll be alright, though, as he's obviously smart enough to know that it's not normal. Someone like Ed Gein never had that initiative.
I've never met a home schooled child that couldn't spell "religious". I've never met a child of religious fundamentalists who actually owned and played a PS3. What Bible Story games are you playing on that thing?
Still, you could be for real. You never know.
I'm an old gay guy who was lucky enough to have parents that accepted me immediately. Even if your parents don't accept you now, they are likely to become your strongest allies throughout the rest of your life.
Once you're about 16 years old, you're capable of handling every aspect of adult life except one: The treachery of adults. The gay community is wonderful and strong, but not everyone is nice. Some people will just want to use you for your youth. Your parents know this, so stick with them until you're ready to deal with adults who are not very nice.
Remember that you spend only a few years being a teenager, and then you spend decades laughing about it. If you play your cards right, adulthood is just as fantastic and free as you can imagine it to be. Hang in there.
Perhaps the 'Mutant' comment could be mis-perceived. But having read many of Xeni's posts and watched her on the BBTv, that's a loving compliment.
And technically speaking, if evolution (sorry Christians) is an active part of our lives, we're all technically mutants, otherwise we'd still be swimming in the our happy little single celled worlds and not having this conversation right now.
practical tools for creativity and communication when you are being watched:
1) thumb drive
2) prepaid debit card
3) prepaid phone card or prepaid cell phone
4) cheap netbook computer
1) a thumb drive with true crypt and portable apps: thumbdrives are way cheaper than laptops and work well when you spend time on computers that aren't yours. obtain a thumb drive and encrypt it with truecrypt (http://www.truecrypt.org) so the contents are safe. you can probably set it up at school or at a library. use a good passphrase (20 characters or more) and install the portable apps suite (http://portableapps.com) on it so you have a private browser, im client, office suite, and other tools which are safe from investigation. use this when you use computers at school, the library, etc. you aren't protected from network snooping or key logging, but it will keep people out of your journal, address book, ebook collection, and browser history. get a free online backup service and keep a copy of your truecrypt container file in it in case you lose your thumb drive or it gets stolen or confiscated. be sure to back up often.
2) prepaid debit card - a debit card is essential for all sorts of things. you can get them at a lot of places, like convenience stores and check cashing places. don't keep too much on it in case you lose it or it gets stolen or confiscated. keep an extra hidden for emergencies. if you can't find one locally, try visiting the ghetto.
3) get a phone card or, once you have a debit card, you can get a cheap prepaid phone, known as a burner. get a small basic phone, it will be easy to hide and it won't be a hardship if it gets lost, stolen, or confiscated. prepaid minutes are expensive and texting plans are even more so, so use it for emergencies only. use the internet to keep in touch with friends and save calling for a last resort. use your debit card to buy more minutes. like prepaid debit cards, they are easier to find in the ghetto.
4) if you can find a job or sell something and can save up some cash, pick up a cheap netbook and use open wifi access points to get online. like the prepaid phone, you want basic and cheap so it's disposable. old gnet cloudbooks or early model EEE's can be had for under $200 if you look in the right place. don't keep anything personal on it in case it gets lost/stolen/confiscated. keep using your thumb drive for personal stuff.
life under surveillance is tough, but look on the bright side. when i was your age, we had to use note paper, books, cash and payphones to do this stuff and the odds of getting caught and losing everything were way higher.
"Hmm I really didn't see this as a 'bash-a-thon of Christians.' What most people are saying are practical and uplifting ways to deal with extremely strict parents."
Look up all the comments that attribute their severe attitudes to religion only, not even acknowledging possible underlying parental personalities.
"They're taking away almost all forms of communication with the outside world (forcing the kid into homeschooling at 13, etc). Do you really think that's normal?"
Normal? What's normal? I know it happens, and it's not abuse -- starvation, rape, beating. It's ridiculous, but it's not abuse.
Still home-schooling at 13 is not unusual. Many home-schooled kids only start public school when they hit high school age (which, in Ontario, is 14).
"How does one make friends if they're home schooled and rarely get out of the house except to go to church youth group?"
He says he goes to private school too. Read the letter.
Moreover, I still think he can negotiate. Like some here, I get a strong gut feeling his parents will relent somewhat in the future. Like others, I also feel that he can ask them for more freedom in activities, but playing a bit by their rules by looking to places like a school club or a library.
"If this kid feels isolated and repressed because of his parents' version of Christianity he/she may not feel comfortable being able to make friends in that group."
Not the path he has to take if he's as open and tolerant as people here want to appear. "Christian youth" is a really dirty word, isn't it? There are lots of Christians out there who are decent, tolerant people. Don't slur them. As I also suggested, maybe he can find a supportive figure within the church. Some priests are sympathetic to gays.
"I'm making a lot of assumptions here, but I know from my church youth group experience while growing up that these kinds of kids are often shunned as outsiders. There was a girl that was in my church youth group that was a bit of an outsider and she wound up committing suicide. I just think this kid's situation sounds very isolating."
Bit of an outsider -- guess what. That happens all the time in public schools (ALL THE TIME) and any other group of young people. Attributing typical teenage hostility and ignorance to religion is just simplistic. Teenagers can be cruel, period, regardless of belief.
This kid is smart. Look at what he's done; look at how aware he is of his parents' pigheadedness. Some of you are incredibly condescending, freaking out that his life is being irreparably ruined and he might commit suicide and he's going to grow up drunk in a gutter and he's never going to be able to function like a normal person. Bullshit. He's already done more than most kids in his situation by being AWARE and reaching out. You're also insulting all the people out there who grew up under even harder circumstances but turned out OK.
I understand some of you feel like your teenage years were the most important of your life. Yeah, they are for a lot of people. But they aren't for many others. Once it's behind you, you work with what you've got.
That's what this kid has to do. Give him what tools he can to work under the circumstances HE HAS. What 13-year-old really has the power to transform his parents or home life? Some people have actually given realistic suggestions on how he might gradually change his situation -- not just spew accusations of abuse and lament at what an awful life he's going to face if he doesn't sic child services on his parents. Way to support this kid.
Boo, in case you haven't noticed, Boing Boing is a trademark of Happy Mutants LLC. The phrase dates back to the 1980s zine days of Boing Boing. In 1995 the editors of Boing Boing produced the book "The Happy Mutant Handbook." We are all happy mutants on this bus.
davidould - Want to or not, this discussion is about how the parents of Anonymous perceive sexuality - that it's a choice, that if their kid is allowed access to anyone with a differing opinion, something awful will happen, and that they stand some chance of "saving" him by doing what they're doing.
If we're not going to talk about that, we're not having a conversation, and what you're doing is using gentle language to try and push the argument that "tolerance" ought to include tolerance of a culture like the parents of Anonymous (and possibly yours as well) that sees being gay as something like a disease that can be cured.
We're getting far afield by talking about "abuse" because that has implications of violence and harm. But what I do worry about is the concept of reparative therapy, which is inevitably behind any of the ideas that being gay can and should be "cured". Reparative therapy is dangerous, and has been known to be abusive in that institutions that use it have been known to incarcerate teens against their will. Lynn Duff's account on 20/20 made national news.
So far, the parents aren't being abusive, but they're being informed by a point of view that has been abusive in what it said was therapy (and was really abuse). So what you, David, need to *stop* doing is making like a call for being tolerant of a son's homosexuality is the same as a call for tolerance of a diagnosis that based on a bunch of fake and abusive "therapy" ideals.
Anonymous teens parents think they can cure him. Until they get past that idea, what they're doing is screwing up his relationship with them, hurting him unnecessarily, and putting him in a situation where once he gets his own autonomy, he'll have to cut off contact with them because he can't talk with them as a gay adult who's living a life where people he loves accept him for who he is. They're killing their future with him for nothing. For a lie that he can be cured.
I've seen this happen before. It's heartbreaking. And all they nee to do is just accept him for who he is. If they have a problem with same sex relationships, they can let him know, and ask him not to have them. But by cutting him off from the world, they're destroying the future after he's allowed to leave.
At 27, I remember what it was like growing up as a gay teen... since it wasn't that long ago. I'll add a couple recourse.
The best one for gay teens in North American is Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays (PFLAG): http://community.pflag.org .. once your parents are a bit more calm. This is something you may want to see if they'll try out.
www.YouthLine.ca
Xeni: Thank you for this. I forgive you for that crack about New Jersey, and you now have a credit in your account with me, FWIW! :-) Thank you for choosing to believe in this boy, who IS real and whose name is Legion, even if this particular comment was fake (and I don't think it was).
Anonymous Gay Kid: There are so many people keeping good thoughts for you! I'm one, and I'm a Wiccan. Persevere.
You're either in the grip of a loving but deeply misguided family, or you're a prisoner of war.
If you're in a loving family, many people have made good suggestions. Just keep telling them that you love them, and you wish they could understand that you're the same person you always were.
Now, I have a friend who was kept a semi-prisoner by his parents all through high school, but that was because they caught him, at 13, having sex with soldiers from a nearby Army base in cars near their home. If something like that happened, they're right to want to stop you, but they've gone overboard (at least for now). In most families the length of your leash is at least somewhat proportional to your demonstrated sense.
If they're really not so concerned about you, but about their reputation, and especially if they start physically abusing you, then you're a prisoner of war, and your duties are (very much in order of priority) survive, escape, sabotage.
Survive trumps all other considerations. Don't try escape if it risks death or loss of personality (or incarceration in a mental hospital, which is pretty much a living death). Survive means keeping who you are in your inner self. While it's always best to be honest when possible, don't underestimate the value of deceit. Always keep track of who you really are and who you're pretending to be, though. Too much deceit puts you in danger of just the kind of personality loss that equals non-survival.
Escape has to be at the right time, and it's deeply impractical at your age. Finish school, get a diploma, make sure you have money by the time you're 18. If you're a prisoner of war they'll probably keep you locked up until you're 18 and then kick you out with nothing, because they're motivated by hate, not love. In your kind of case escape means a) being ready for that when the time comes, b) being ready to get the hell out of Dodge (i.e. leave the entire area) when you're ready (NOT before getting a HS diploma or GED), and c) keeping your inner core safe so you can go there when you need to (see above under Survive).
Sabotage is the least important duty of a POW. If you try to do it before you escape, you never will escape, and it definitely can jeopardize your survival. You should pay no attention to it now. AFTER you escape, wait a year, and decide if they're still enemies worth considering. Probably they won't be, and sabotage will mean reconciling with them and ruining their crazy belief system, or just cutting them out of your life completely. If they still are enemies, then sabotage means taking out an ad in the hometown newspaper announcing that (name your parents)' son is a homosexual. Give their address and the name of their church. Under no circumstances vandalize their property in any way.
All that said, I believe it's highly probable that they're just misguided and will come around eventually. So your job is to persevere, be as loving as you can toward them, and lock yourself in your room when you can't stand it any more. Screaming at them, satisfying though it may be in the very short term, is counterproductive in the long term, because it makes them entrench their position.
Worst comes to worst, fight in their safe place. Use the Bible against them.
1. Letters to the Corinthians threw out most of Leviticus which people cite over and over again as anti-homosexual attitudes. It replaced it with the ten commandments which, BTW, does not mention homosexuality last I checked.
2. There was no word for homosexual in the Bible and it was added by King James, whom if you really look at it was not a Saint (last I checked) nor Jesus. Check the version of the Bible you have. You have lots of time on your hands, so reading through the Bible will look innocent. (I've done it as a non-Christian, whole thing front to back, KJV and I'm working through The Message).
3. Most of the Bible when straight translated is putting down pederasty which is anti-pedophilia due to the history of the Greeks. If your parents let you read the history of the Greeks and Romans, you can use this for good ammunition.
4. I was pointed towards the King of Babel as a source of anti-homosexuality and I read the whole passage, it turns out that he was smite by God not because he was homosexual, but that the whole quote was out of context. What he was smite for was greed and wanting to know what God knew. (Psalms? I forgot which).
5. To date most anti-homosexual attitudes came after the Medieval era as dictated by the Pope. (And if they are Protestant, you can argue along this line).
6. If you look down on you for "questioning them" in their interpretation of the Bible, you use the words, "You are not the Pope" if they are Catholic, and "Protestantism teaches us that we can read and interpret the Bible on our own."
7. All Old Testament stuff I'd throw out on the basis of some of the immoral things that happened in the Old Testament which Christians still pick on, but skip over. I have a lot of those listed. (Letter to the Corinthians threw most of the Old testament out and said the relevant passages were Abraham, Exodus of Moses and Elijah, I believe, because the rest of it was wrought with corruption that Jesus didn't believe in...)
Off the top of my head, Noah was a drunkard, when Noah was basically choking and dying in his own drool, his son came in to help him, but Noah wasn't clothed so he got mad at his son.
The whole of Leviticus for the whole anti-touching a woman during menses, cutting hair, pro sacrifice of animals in a million of different ways, ban against women wearing red, ban against men even looking at a woman through menses, no helping lepers, the poor and if you are, you have to leave only sour grapes for them. The list goes on and on. Even Jews don't follow half the rules listed.
Though the whole thing with Lot and his Wife and the raping of Lot... Oh boy...
The part where God lied...
Rachel sits on idols and worships them. That's in there, her father chased her over the desert for that.
The part with marriage being between one man, two women and all their handmaids. Abraham has Sarah (Sarai) and at least two other handmaids.
God during the Exodus mentions other Gods repeatedly and how he's going to "Show them what for" by bringing all these disasters. And going on about how great that last plague was. O.o;;
If that's not enough there is one passage people entirely skip over, it's the story of how a man married his son's fiancé and how she seduced him and God liked it.
BTW, the anti spilling seed on the ground, really was umm... an anti- Thou Shalt not pull out. 'cause God wanted the Guy's brother in question to marry his brother's wife. They pick up that part, skip the part where she married the father.
There is also marrying of half sisters, swindling, and so on. Very raunchy read, The Bible. You learn about sex, violence are OKed with incest, lying, how to cheat a man, how to cheat a Pharaoh (3 times, BTW), how to sell your own people into slavery, women are scum of the Earth when in menses and how to slay all types of animals and skin them with a knife. The whole lineage part is dull, but the stuff in between, raunchier than any movie I've ever seen. Drugs, sex, rock and roll... it's got a whole lot more.
8. This should block your parents into the New Testament. This will make their life hard because almost all new Testament references were translated as pederasty. In fact, the New Testament from what I could remember only said, "Doing what is unnatural" which is vague, and if you look at the acts of Jesus he went with Lepers, outcasts and was on the streets trying to accept people from all walks of life into his new brand of Judaism, which later would be called Christianity. Besides which, Letters of the Corinthians, was just that, persuasive letters too convince the Corinthians to join the new religion at the time. However, if you read it carefully, that segment where it says natural and unnatural is not Jesus' word, but one of his disciples... and for Protestants this is shaky ground. For Christians, they might take it at its word, but read enough of the traumatizing parts of the Bible and they might rescind "the Word of God."
9. If none of this seems helpful, at least I hope it was amusing. I just want to know I support you for who you are no matter what.
BTW, I want to make a correction to Gloria, it didn't say "Boyfriends" it said "boy friends." I'm taking a wild stab, but it could mean he's not allowed around other guys his age, which is very, very restrictive.
I would avoid trying to side track this into women's rights (And I do have a set on top to say this) He didn't go into the fact he was the only one or he was a victim, he went into the fact he was grounded severely for being gay. Period. Whether you think this is abusive or not, I don't think its the issue here, nor is debating it. His parents right now hate a part of how he defines himself, if that is a choice or not. Whether you had the same kind of strict childhood or if you dated at 19, it still sucks to have someone hate you for a part of who you are. And I think what we really should do is not debate semantics, but to support this teen to get through this part of his life, even if he decides he needs a way out. Afford him some autonomy, because it's likely if his parents don't turn around when he turns 18, he's going to have it much, much harder.
Don't say things like "Well others have it tough too even if they aren't gay." Yeah, well others have been raped and robbed, and they are starving, and they've had hate crimes, they've gone through emotional abuse, parents who won't understand for the core of who they are too. But I'm not going to make light of this person's--no human being's feelings and situation by saying, "Too bad, but other people have it tough too, let me tell you a personal story that doesn't relate to yours that is tough."
It's like saying to someone whose family member died, "Yeah, people die every day. Do you know a baby dies every three seconds?"
I do agree to a point that we can't know everything, but you've taken to assume a lot yourself and made light of the fact that his parents are grounding him BECAUSE they found out he was gay. Not because he did drugs, not because he was caught having irresponsible sex, did a huge crime, but because he was gay. And I think what we really should be doing right now is not going over what may be happening in his home or parental rights, but how to support and help him out, no matter if that is coping with the here and now, or how to prepare for the future. (Like being kicked out and no money for college, say).
I am really sorry for this kid. I was terrified until I was pushed out of the closet by my mother when I was 17 just before she kicked me out of the house for being gay. If this kid were 16 I would suggest he get out of there and become emancipated. His parents cannot and should not punish him like this calling him the "f" word and locking him away into the dungeon and throwing away the key. It's just not right and even though I'm not his age anymore, I take it personally.
All I would suggest is to get help from a family member who is open minded and willing to help get you out of there. If no such person exists then use the information provided, they will possibly help take you in legally because this IS child abuse and all you have to say is that you are being abused, that your parents are calling you "f" and you can say the word to the authorities.
You don't have to be hit to be a victim of child abuse. I was throughout my entire childhood so I would know. I was called "f" when I was 13 by my stepfather and was forced into slave labor so I know first hand how it is being a gay teen. When I say slave labor, my stepdad made me do ALL of his physical work at his job (apartment building manager) instead of being allowed to be a child from age 10-16. At 16 I got a job to get away from him.
Good luck young Padawan and I hope you get help and get out of that situation for your own santiy.
When I was a solitary-feeling queer teen, I tried to kill myself. It was an accident that I was found in time to be saved.
A small, small thing might have made the difference for me then. Knowing there were others like me would have been enough. That others went through this. That I had a chance to grow up and live and love and not just as the butt of one of the hateful jokes that were the closest thing I had to sex education at the time.
This thread has done that, at least, for our anonymous writer, or any truly-anonymous readers. For the most part, without soapboxing, grandstanding or douchebaggery. Kudos.
I am often jealous of today's queer teens, for they, as a whole, have a lot more resources and openness than I had available to me. But it is important to remember there are still those who suffer in the darkness.
Live. You'll write about it some day. But above all, live.
And know that whether you are limited from having boy friends or boyfriends (I note most respondents shifted to the compound, though it is unclear that was the intent), you have friends.
hey anonymous, my brother is also a young gay living with family (not a teen anymore, but in school and poor like all students!), and we come from a strict christian dictatorship just like you. the important thing to know (besides that religion is a lie, there is NO god), is when the line is being crossed by your parents. there is such a thing as mental abuse, and if you find them forcing you repeatedly into situations you are truly uncomfortable with, including forced prayer, church "counselors" (these people are usually unlicensed and full of horrible advice), continuous reading of the bible where it talks about how gays suffer by god's hand, talk to someone. an outsider, a neighbor, a friend, someone who isn't involved in the church. make sure that people know what is happening behind closed doors. it may not seem too strange to you because you grew up with it, but it can be very damaging. you know in your heart when something isn't right, and you should speak up.
i'm sure that in their own way your parents love you, but just because you don't live your life the way they want you to doesn't give them the right to abuse you. physical and verbal abuse are an all too common problem in religious families. take responsibility of your life now, and don't let it happen to you.
you are perfect the way that you are.
Let's debunk the myth of parental benevolence. Humans as a species sell our children into prostitution, marry them off to old men to get money, force them into child labor, set them on fire because they've dishonored us by being raped. And yet, some commenters are just sure that his parents mean well and will come around. Religious extremists are not generally known for putting their children's best interests at the top of the to-do list. They're also not known for family planning. This myth of universal parental benevolence is one of the reasons that parents get away with abusing and murdering their children. The neighbors just turn a blind eye because they refuse to believe that it could happen.
Gay men and lesbians all have friends whose families never spoke to them again once they found out, or only communicate with them to tell them that they're going to hell for eternity. In the words of the great philosopher Kenny Rogers, you gotta know when to hold em and know when to fold em. Some parents are irredeemable, and life gets a lot easier when you acknowledge that you can't change them. You just hunker down and wait for your 18th birthday. Or you call CPS. Or you go to court to become an emancipated minor.
Children are not entitled to the same rights as adults.
Yes. they're supposed to have more rights because they need greater protection.
Gloria,
You're kind of making this all about you. I'm just sayin'.
OK, there are times where you just have to write your parents off. I know that's incredibly cold and harsh, but sadly there are times when it is true. If there are any kinds of extra curricular activities out there in the limited world you are allowed to live in, sign up for them. The more time out of the house for you the better.
Once you get out of the house, see if there is something that you can do with the relationship that you have with your parents. Perhaps distance will make the heart grow fonder.
Stay Strong, Believe in yourself, and god be with you.
I wish I had more to offer you.
I only read about half of the comments, but I wanted to stress the painting or working out. Channel your frustration into something beautiful or work to better yourself. If you decide to just stick your head down and work thru it, this is a really really good idea.
Regardless of what you do, don't be afraid of asking for help. When you are younger it seems like people you don't know do not want to be bothered by you, but there are tons of people in our community (I'm gay too) who WANT to help people. Many of us want kids, but can't have them so we volunteer. Strangers will bend over backwards for you if you seek help. If you do stick your head down, please look into these links anyhow. There may be services offered that you wouldn't think you would of that you may like or need.
Once your 18, get to a metro area. You'll still deal with bigots every once and a while, but once you get established you'll see that everyone around you truly sees you as an equal. Then when you do get to that point, never forget what you are going thru now and help the people that will be in your situation at that time. This is how our community works and I think you'll find out how great being gay really is.
Good luck, anon.
Xeni,
Please, please, please...edit your post to include phone numbers for those organizations--if the kids fighting his way to the internets, might as well make it as easy as possible for him to get in touch with folks.
I'm going to buck the trend here and hope for a better situation than "escape". It would be nice if there were a pastor figure who the parents might respect who could tell them to stop locking the poor kid up, to love him no matter what, and to treat him with more respect.
Loosing one's parents is awful. Wouldn't it be much better if they came to a rapport?
jjasper,
Keeping everything else in your comment, change 'pastor' to 'imam'. Would you still ask the question? Would the answer be any different?
Dear Anonymous,
First I'd like to say how sorry I am that you are going through this...and I hope that maybe what I have to say will be helpful. From someone who had a older sister and a best friend growing up - being gay I think I can understand how hard it is to feel comfortable and be accepted.
The best advice I can give you is to get Therapy. Ask your parents to send you to therapy. Its your right as a individual to ask for help - and guess what therapy is the help I'm sure you need right now.
Your parents need to understand that you have feelings too and you need to talk about them, and to those that will listen.
Maybe after you have been in therapy for a while - your folks can join you in a session and you can all talk it over that way. It just might help.
Good Luck!
Kid -
It's not clear to me that anyone owes the truth to people who have made it clear that their reaction to being told the truth will be to act like @ssholes.
Please forgive my saying that about your folks.
My point is, if you closet up and tell them that their homo-no-mo' antics have succeeded beyond everyone's wildest dreams and you are now officially straight and could they maybe drive you and Mary Lou from your Scripture class to the movies for, like, a date?--would they lay off? Would your life improve for the time being?
(If you decide to go this route, tell 'em the gay thing was a phase--they'll buy it in a hot second. People tend to believe what they want to believe; your folks clearly want to believe that you were mistaken about being gay. Thereafter, you'd tell them as much about your sex life as most people, gay or straight, tell their parents: Zippola.)
I am not suggesting that you go into the closet forever--just until you're in a position to take care of yourself.
As others have suggested, get your grades up and do whatever it takes to go to a distant university, ASAP. Even if you don't think of yourself as a science/technology person, you might try to lean that way academically--there's more financial aid for sci-tech students than for those in the humanities, and you're going to need it. (1) (The trick is getting as comfortable as you can with math; science and engineering aren't any harder than other subjects if you can deal with the numbers,)
By the way -- does anyone know how this kid can find himself a gay-friendly guidance counselor?
_________
(1) Especially since your folks are apparently pissing away your college fund on private school.
Whenever I see this kind of parenting I am deeply concerned as I was under similar circumstances(not because of being gay but because of being rebellious and into grunge music) and and it really breaks you to be so isolated and made to feel like being you is absolutely unacceptable and down right wrong. I think your parents are not being loving and they want to make you be someone else, not you and this is the biggest problem.
Try to find ways to liberate yourself, ways to assert yourself. You are going to need these kind of skills in the real world anyway so starting early is the best thing. Stand up to them as much as you can and make them realize that you need a sense (even if limited) of personal freedom. Negotiate, educate, be proactive, don't be passive or submissive to the situation. Talk if you can, since they love you they need to be able to hear through the veil of their own beliefs.
Apologies for jumping on you for the "choice versus inborn trait" thing, as well as the "promotion of tolerance towards bigots" one. I misunderstood the intent of your words.
Thanks, appreciate you taking the time to write that. It was gracious of you.
Sadly this is one of those topics where it is far easier for people to write emotively but without proper regard to what people are actually saying.
Anonymous Gay Kid, we can't completely keep out people like kevin98055, so let this be a lesson to you in ignoring people who contribute to your oppression. kevin98055 isn't telling you anything your misguided parents haven't already; he's part of the same ignorant oppressive system that's currently making you miserable. Don't listen to him or anyone like him.
kevin98055, t sht nd d, y pthtc lsr.
I'm a volunqueer for the Queer Youth Network. We're an online support group from the UK, but are rapidly branching out into all parts of the world. I highly recommend a visit to the site - the layout is a little bit of a headache but it's a truly awesome resource and a great thing to be a part of :)
www.lgbtyouth.org
@george88, I knew I was gay when I was 5. How long did it take you to realize that you're an ignorant jerk?
I was going to write out a long explanation of how you may be misunderstanding, but I'll just be concise:
You are conflating your own individual experiences with universal human nature. The two are not always synonymous. This may not be an experience you can fully grasp and appreciate from the lens of your own upbringing.
we can't completely keep out people like kevin98055
Oh yes we can.
Oo, I take it back. Thank you, Antinous.
Kevin,
How very sad for you that you continue through life denying yourself inborn pleasures and desires based entirely on a work of absolute fiction. Being one's own prison sounds to me like the most miserable existence possible. I can only hope that you will find the courage to free yourself! I feel sorry not for Anonymous Teenager, who will grow to love himself and others, but for you, who will leave this earth having lived an empty and boring life.
I'm the anon who quoted Eleanor Roosevelt. Antonius, you're my hero for debunking parental benevolence. It's SO true. Just because you're genetically theirs doesn't mean they have your best interests at heart.
That said, in my experience it is VERY difficult to become emancipated unless you can prove physical abuse, or that your parents are intensely irresponsible. For all intents and purposes, emotional abuse doesn't exist until you turn 18 - everything before that is just strict parenting and none of their business. The juvenile court system just doesn't want to hear about it.
The reason is that you get additional benefits from the federal and state government if you become emancipated, whereas if you get stuck in foster care, the cost is far less to the government. (Emancipation comes with additional benefits after 18, too, whereas if you're JUST a foster kid they can cut them off on your birthday.)
If you're reading this and decide to try for emancipation in a few years, here are the things I learned the hard way. I ultimately never got it as by the time I got my shit together I turned 18. Basically, you must be living in a seperate residence from your parents AND have steady LEGAL employment BUT you have to also convince your parents and the state that you are not just a runaway. If your parents get legal advice and claim you're actually a runaway and they can prove you're without one of the two requirements, you're basically fucked and it gets tossed out of court.
The counselors at any homeless GLBT center can hook you up with a lawyer and legal advice if you decide to pursue that route. I would advise against it, having done it, because again the state makes it incredibly difficult. It's easier to hide away for a year or two until 18, then enter the adult world. You can still go to college, but without the emancipation it can be difficult without parental consent. I ended up forging a lot of documents.
Oh, My Goodness. When are parents going to learn, building a wall around them, with a moat, minefields and guards will not change such a thing as sexual orientatio/identity. It may delay coming out, but more than likely, it will slowly cause self-destruction.
Unfortunately, the nature of fundamentalism is control. You most likely would suffer greatly, if you went against them directly. Frankly, I'd play along. practice acting "fundamentalized". Perhaps they'll loosen their grip. Sign up for church choir, go to the church socials and such. there are more gay people there than you can possibly realize. Once you are free of your parents control, We'll see you at Pride!
This is an excellent use of the Internet, Boing Boing. Thank you.
And let me add to the chorus of folks responding to George: I knew I was straight by 13. Why wouldn't someone know they were gay? There's nothing to "get" - it just makes sense.
@everyone: you all show grace, compassion and love in this thread. Keep it up and remember the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. "injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." This is why we should always speak up.
@Anon:
Everything is normal but some things (punitive reactions to things that don't hurt anybody, discrimination of any kind, hate, violence etc...) become hurtful to or restrictive of other people's lives and that is not okay. Being gay is not hurtful, wrong or restrictive to other people and so it is okay and in fact it should be celebrated.
As others have suggested there's a ton of great literature that relates to LGBTQ issues and experiences. My recommendations are the works of a great queer Canadian story teller Ivan E. Coyote. I also highly recommend spoken word group The Fugitives spoken word play concept album The Face of Impurity which deals, in a very engaging and moving fashion, with many topics, lessons and ideas that the trio have struggled with.
We're all sexual beings earlier than some people might like to think. So being "just a kid" of 13 doesn't mean anonymous can't know what he/she prefers. _I_ knew I liked boys from age 6!
Science has shown that in nature, being gay is often just how you are from birth, and as children go through stages of sexual expression (like age 6- a VERY "femmy" or "macho" age of sexual identity/expression) it's not uncommon for the kid to realize that they feel differently from their hetero peers at ages 6, 9, 12, 13...
My mother, a gifted and exceptional preschool teacher with an advanced degree in Child development has seen 40 years worth of students grow into teens and adults, and says she's rarely seen her (private!!) guess about what a student's orientation would be at age 16-18 when she had them in her class at age 6.
Anon- you rock just the way you are!
Xeni -- thank you for this.
So what you, David, need to *stop* doing is making like a call for being tolerant of a son's homosexuality is the same as a call for tolerance of a diagnosis that based on a bunch of fake and abusive "therapy" ideals.
Again, for the record, I never made such a call. Can I gently suggest reading what I actually wrote a little more carefully? None of us gain any benefit when we jump too quickly to assume what the other has said.
I just wanted to add my support...
I grew up in a very abusive - physically - emotionally and sexually - household. Phone was limited, monitored, no more than 5 min call and then it was rare. Public school and some extra-curricular activity, but no socializing afterwards, no friends, god forbid you'd mention dating....
Internet use at school was limited, but I found a few ways to sneak past their e-mail block out by using less popular providers; the friendships I was able to form online saved my life. I wish I'd had the resources of this forum and the support people offer here - the pre-paid cell phone is good, keeping a fake diary works as well. It took a long time but I got out, I got help; it's still hard but things are getting better. Find ways to keep going, because when you get older and get more control of your life it really can get better.
Xeni, what a good thing you've done here.
Anonymous, see how not alone you are, all these voices raised in chorus, some sadly fighting when we should be telling you how valuable your life is but regardless, look at how many people have rallied to your cause? Isn't that a wonderful thing you've done?
Your enemies are not nearly as strong as you may think they are, but you are friend, don't doubt it. :)
"And technically speaking, if evolution (sorry Christians)"
No need to apologise, many Christians believe in evolution too (at least us Catholics do, I can't speak for the rest).
I didn't see much Christian-bashing in this thread either, and I was surprised, knowing the amount of militant Atheists who visit Boing Boing. As a Christian (and not a straight one at that) I want to say thank you to everyone for not using this as an opportunity to go rabid. Maybe this religion isn't what the kid needs- maybe he doesn't believe in God at all, but I hope he makes that decision based on what he feels inside and not on how stupid his parents act, supposedly in the name of the Lord.
Re: child abuse, I don't think we know enough to urge so loudly for calling Child Protection Services. Has everyone forgotten what a tragedy that can turn into? These institutions don't magic up new, better parents for you, there is a long and hard process involved which can leave the child with worse scars than fighting with his real parents ever could. Let's please be careful about telling the kid to call an institution that could FORBID his parents to be his guardians when we aren't sure how bad the abuse is. That should be a last resort.
Depends. I know plenty of moderate Muslims. If he were living in Iran, no. If he were in the US, sure. There are liberal Mosques here.
When you said - And perhaps a postscript to those inclined to write off what I have to say simply on account of my conservative position on sexuality - if you think these parents we are writing about are blinkered then take a gentle look in the mirror. If we're going to preach toleration then let's ALL live it out. You don't ever have to agree, but that is never what tolerance was ever about anyway.
You were playing a game where you were twitting people for not being "tolerant" of the parents while calling for tolerance of the son. This is a standard conservative tactic right out of FOX news. It's a gotcha game, and throwing the word "gentle" in every few sentences isn't masking that.
Those parents are taking a view of homosexuality as something that can and should be cured. There's no question about it. They're cutting their son off from the world because they think he'll get "sicker" if he's allowed to live in a world where homosexuality is tolerated. They want him to not be gay. They think they can "un-gay" him.
Do you dispute that?
And this statement? I merely took a moment to observe that in our rush to (rightly) affirm this teenagers right to express themselves as they wish to and our outrage about the actions of the parents we should also be wary that we do not seek to enforce the same sort of restrictions on those that WE do not disagree with.
makes no sense. No one is talking about enforcing "same sort of restrictions" on the parents in question. Some (foolish, IMO) people talked about calling child protective services.
What would an opposite "treatment" be from a LGBT perspective? Preventing them from having heterosexual sex? Forcing them to got to gay bars? It's an absrd concept because there are no equal restrictions anyone can force on them.
What you wrote was easily read as a call for tolerance of the parents, with the implication that, because we call for tolerance of the son, we owe it to the parents to be tolerant too.
I wonder why your parents think Christian youth groups contain no gay people. ;)
It is terrible what you must be feeling. There are so many posts here I will not say the obvious things. Just some important points.
First, don't worry about the sex until 18 thing. Heck I didn't have any till 19 and nobody forced me either. The important thing is first, your safety. If you aren't physically threatened then stay where you are. Next, freedom of thought, and then freedom of movement.
There will be a way to meet people so you are not 100% locked out of society. Try to make connections, allies in any place, the youth groups or anywhere else you can be. Your parents are very extreme; probably most others at these groups will be less so.
If they discover your current Internet terminal, do not despair. You are amazingly lucky in having been born at a time when there is the Internet, wireless, and all kinds of mobile devices everywhere. In an emergency you could borrow a cell phone from a stranger for an email or better yet a phone call. Library is a good call too. If possible I would also recommend talking to a teacher at your school just to tell them what is going on. Maybe they could try and get in touch with you in the future under the pretext of some kind of a social studies project with the town or maybe secretly, and check in with you. They (or maybe better yet a help line) could tell you if anything can be done.
A couple things you might not want to hear. First, consider your relationship with your parents before they found out. They are probably so freaked out they think it possible that by scaring you and giving you an overdose of constrained life you would "flip back" to their mores. And they are so bound up in their heads this is all they can think of to do to solve what they think is a problem for you and them.
I am not defending them, I think it sucks. Also I don't trust religious fanatics whatever the religion is.
Anyway I mention it because my own father, in fighting his parents who had tried to raise him as an orthodox Jew (similar to your parents I guess) ended up trying to control how he raised my sister and even demanding back the wedding presents they had given him! I mean they were nuts. Even took it out on me too. The result was he disowned his parents and I never met anyone from that side of my family, not in 30 years now. That sucked and a lot of hurt was created for everyone. I wouldn't wish that on you, better to try and keep a line of communication. You could treat your parents as possibly mentally retarded but trying to do what they think is right out of love for you.
What I want to say is, I don't know your situation but I'd advise you against something like that. Your parents grew up in another age, you could think of it as the "old world". You don't have to be like them but if it is possible, try to find a way out of this that preserves love and thoughtfulness. Unless they were total monsters before this. It is probably best now to meet someone locally who can talk to you about your situation and have a dialog, now that you've gotten through all these responses. I wish you the best of luck and don't do anything to hurt yourself or "teach them a lesson". You will become stronger and have a broader viewpoint after you resolve this, and it probably will not take 5 years.
Another point of experience, I do have an experience that I got myself sent to private school due to problems at the public school. And same with my sister. There were incidents that made my parents make up their own mind thinking of other options and private school became possible. Maybe there is an upstanding private school you could get yourself sent to instead. Talk to a teacher maybe. I'd recommend following the advice in this thread to talk to real live people and get some advice. Don't take any military action, their heads are up their butts but they're family, and it will take a while for them to accept. I don't have the exact experience you do, only you have that. But I think it's worth it to try and pursue solutions positively, even though it looks like a hell now right at the moment, you can work your way out of it.
Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful life!
Are you straight?
When you were young did you often find yourself wondering, "Gee, I'm awfully young, I wonder if I really like those hot girls; I'm only 13, I could be a homosexual."
I didn't think so.
It just strikes me as more likely that the pastor is the ring-leader. If his parents are that repressive, I get more of a Fred Phelps vibe than a Father Flanagan vibe from their church.
If that's true, hopefully he's not the only pastor in the church network, and if all of them have the same anti-gay bigotry and whacked out ideas on how to deal with a gay child, then yes it's a problem. The reference to Islam seemed gratuitous.
I found it strange that anyone would think of appealing to a more religious figure in a case of religious zealotry. I used Islam as an example to contrast with the idea of a Christian pastor being helpful in the situation, which seems like an example of dominant discourse.