Wails and Mumbles: Tort Deform

(Bill Gurstelle is guest blogging here on Boing Boing. He is the author of several books including the potato cannon-relevant Backyard Ballistics, and the recently-published Absinthe and Flamethrowers)

Everybody's talking about the honorable Marilyn Milian, the hottest judge on television!
--Opening tagline for the television show "The People's Court"

I've been watching a lot of TV judge shows lately, mainly because I don't have cable, they're on when I'm working on Make Magazine projects in my workshop, they're good background noise, and hey, they're marginally better than Maury Povich or Deal or No Deal.

I'm no connoisseur of small claims court television, but I do have opinions. I kind of like Judge Joe Brown, because he frequently does weird things with his voice. He'll be lecturing someone for trashing their roommates CD collection when mid-sentence, he switches to a deep, over-the-top, musical baritone for no reason at all. Sort of like Steve Bochco's Cop Rock show.

Judge "Christina's Court" Perez's tag line is that she "takes law into her own heart." I have absolutely no earthly idea what that means.

Anyway, if what daytime TV viewers are seeking is hot, sexy justice, then it's time for a new concept altogether. Maybe a show where the judge wears a tight fitting black leather robe and carries a riding crop? At the end, the loser has to strip down to their underwear and the winner gets to yell stuff at them. Now that's hot. Copyright 2009. Feel free to call my hot, sexy agent with offers.

[#1 posted by kanaime, June 7, 2009 10:47 AM]

I am sorry, but what is a Scientology add currently doing next to this posting -- actually, why is boing boing taking adds from that weird organization?

[#2 posted by KeithIrwin, June 7, 2009 10:58 AM]

They did that show already. It was called Sex Court and was on Playboy TV.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_Court

[#3 posted by Xeni Jardin, June 7, 2009 11:05 AM]

Kanaime, email me a screenshot! It's those fucking remnant ads, we have to have a screenshot in order to get our agency to track them down. I'm sorry.

[#4 posted by nanuq, June 7, 2009 1:26 PM]

Have you been having HTML problems lately? This page looks a little peculiar with a garbled form of the post's text at the top. Refreshing doesn't fix it.

[#5 posted by Anonymous, June 7, 2009 4:29 PM]

TV is not "good background noise." It is the very definition of "bad background noise." Most TV, not just daytime, lowest-common-denominator TV. If -- by some incredibly rare quirk of circumstance, the television should be showing something of actual value, perhaps a Nova episode or one of our congresscritters impeaching themselves, then it deserves your entire attention, and it *still* isn't good background noise.

*Music* is good background noise. Particularly well played, well constructed music. Although again, the better the music, the more it deserves your attention.

The fact that you think TV is good *anything* pretty much disqualifies you from having your opinions taken seriously.

Present television programming would have to take a step *up* to be regarded as merely toxic. Broadcast television is that thing that has least lived up to its social potential.

Pitiful. Really.

[#6 posted by Anonymous, June 7, 2009 5:19 PM]

it's that empathetic Latina wisdom you've been told about.
Perez' schtick is her ruling on your case like she was the plaintiff and defendants Mom. A tender, tough, woman's justice that you had better not mess with or you get the spoon.

[#7 posted by Anonymous, June 7, 2009 7:00 PM]

TV is insidious and ubiquitous - you can't escape it unless you live in a cave. With that in mind, the best thing is to just leave it off and try not to look at it when you go out - easier said than done!

[#8 posted by grimc, June 7, 2009 9:09 PM]

i like tv

[#9 posted by Takuan, June 7, 2009 9:12 PM]

OK, here too then
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cfwsfGqgPM&feature=related

[#10 posted by grimc, June 7, 2009 9:24 PM]

i was thinking more like man vs. food, but that works too.

[#11 posted by Baldhead, June 8, 2009 8:42 AM]

TV is easy to avoid. end your cable subscription. Done.

I see tabloids now and have idea who's on the cover, and feel like I've gaind, rather than lost, something. After all I care nothing for actors outside of when they're acting, and same for all other entertainers.

And there's no such thing as a good reality show. "Mildly diverting" is the best game shows can do, and most sit- coms leave the "com" portion somewhere in the dust (seemingly the less funny the better chance of success there...

anyway rant over. TV is just noise, background or otherwise, and always bad.

[#12 posted by mdh, June 8, 2009 8:51 AM]

If television was empowering, restorative, or otherwise good for humans then you would not be able to afford one.

[#13 posted by wolfiesma, June 8, 2009 9:44 AM]

Cable is a basic household service I could, but wouldn't want to live without. The kids' programming just completely kicks ass and the nature programs on Animal Planet and similar stations are always amazing.

My biggest beef with cable is the lousy interface. It takes a freakin engineer to program your stupid remote so that it doesn't scroll through 8 million channels. Every time you turn the tv on you have to hit the source button and scroll down to the DVI function. I ask myself every time I turn the thing on, what if I was 80 years old and a little blind? There is no way I'd be able to get it working...

They worked so hard and fast to get these products to market, no doubt in time for the quarterly report, and now we get to enjoy the many overlooked bugs and hastily designed consumer interfaces... bah! Wail and grumble!

[#14 posted by Takuan, June 8, 2009 9:49 AM]

have yuo tried sticking a wire into the back of your TV and see if you get free broadcast HD? (wish I hadn't tossed all those antennas now)