Emotionally Unavailable Until Famous
Boingboing guest blogger Paul Spinrad is enjoying listening to the rain.
Timothy Leary said "The universe is an intelligence test." This line captures the attitude I had well into my 30's (I'm 43), and I'm happy that it doesn't anymore. Around that age, I started thinking more about mortality and failure and accepting their inevitability-- which in turn made me appreciate the preciousness of life. What did I want to do with my time here on Earth? Did I want to occupy myself playing a big version of Solitaire to prove I could win, or did I want to open up and love? Another famous quote began to make sense to me: E.M. Forster's "Only connect."
If it sounds like I'm leaving out a primary actor in this transformation, you're right. During our courtship, my wife Wendy challenged me again and again, with firmness and understanding, to engage with her honestly and completely, no matter what it meant. She led me to the promised land where we could be ourselves fully while delighting in and being committed to each other-- all those things that people wisely recite as their wedding vows. If you want more detail, buy me a beer.
An essential part of this happy destiny is that Wendy is not what I had hoped for, i.e. not simply a hot girl version of the man I wanted to be. I've read memoirs by successful men where the chapter on love runs: "I met the girl who was obviously perfect for me, and then I applied all my power and craft to win her over. It was tough going, and she tested me, but I succeeded." That's it. You learn nothing about her, and the guy seems to learn nothing about himself. Yawn! For some men, maybe the pride of that conquest is enough to keep a fire burning, but given what Wendy and I have now, it sounds like dullsville. When I contrast it to the dynamic collaboration that I have with Wendy, who shares my values but is otherwise so fascinatingly different, I just smile at how much we have to look forward to.
I did want to be famous once-- what if I had succeeded and then used that power to win someone to whom this mattered? I would deny that she was just a trophy based on how smart and accomplished people considered her to be, conveniently avoiding the underlying question of her real role in my inner life: a prop for my self-image. I like to think that I'm deep enough that we may have eventually found true intimacy anyway, but I can't be sure. Considering the effort it took Wendy to bring me out, I wonder whether I would have just lived my entire life in fabulous black-and-white, believing that emotional availability meant simply choosing someone rather than taking the ongoing risk of sharing emotional truth. But mastering the art of surfing the truth together is exhilarating, a connection out to the universe that makes me feel alive. Thank you, Wendy, my love, for saving me from a caricature of life!
the latest
latest episodes
old too soon, smart too late
Sweet, something to share with my wife and better than a mixed tape of 80s power ballads.
(Foolishness isn't generational.)
Wow... pretty much what every woman wants to read. Well played, Mr. Spinrad. And congrats to both of you.
niiice
I like to think my relationship with Andrea is headed in that direction. Congratulations on your good fortune!
The universe certainly is an intelligence test, of a sort. But the annual Darwin awards remind us just how low the bar is set for passing.
Congratulations on finding something else to make existence meaningful.
Believe it or not, I actually once met "the hot girl version of the man I wanted to be."
What a bitch!
If you want more details, buy me a scotch.
Hmm. Happy Anniversary?
If not, you're a romantic guy and she's lucky to have you. Even if it IS your anniversary, she is.
But wait...not lucky, I guess. She WORKED to make you see that she's the kind of woman who can help you be the kind of man you want to be.
OK, I need to sit down now. That made me a little dizzy.
Lesson to extract: The perfect person for you may change what you want into them.
Maturity! Wisdom!
These things are in such short supply these days.
Happy to see it's out there somewhere.
So far your guest-blogging has been great. Much appreciated.
This is an awesome insight for us, the younger generation. Thanks for giving us a call to wisen up earlier. This post just made me remember an advice I got from my dad.
He said, "Son, remember that 90 percent of what happens to you depends so much on the woman you marry. So choose wisely."
I still remember that every time I decide to go serious on a relationship.
Someone's getting laid tonight!
Wow. Nice.
Still working out the kinks in my marriage, but feel I'm approaching the total harmony you speak of. My main technique is focusing on being happy NOW, however I can make that happen. Makes me much more available, and actually quickens the arrival of the goals I've set for myself out there in the future.
Or maybe they seem to come faster cause time flies when you're having fun?
I used to imagine that it would be simple to gain power and control over my life just by applying my mind and will in the correct fashion.
For example, I used to think if I just studied hard enough to become a CCIE, everything else in life would fall into place: A good job, respect, security and the like.
Now that I'm in my late thirties, I am starting to understand how important a life priority it is to actively work on your relationships.
Being in touch with your emotions and being emotionally available to others has a lot to do with your overall happiness. It improves your relationships with everyone around you, and that in turn does more to help you be happy than narrowly-defined success does.
Giving up naive dreams of control and power is hard, but necessary, unless you want to spend life like a one-dimensional pulp SF character.
What dumb thing did you say to her last week that caused you to write this long apology?
I can see right through you mister!
Paul Spinrad (if that is your real name...) I was just saying something to this effect to my (now fiance) last night, though early in our journey. Your posts are a refreshing addition to this wonderful blog. Kudos to you sir!
What do you mean by "bring you out". Do you have intimacy problems or something? Sorry, but you volunteered this information. Speaking of which, does your wife know that you're confessing about your relationship to all of BoingBoing?
I think that was probably one of the best pieces I've read in a long while, maybe ever. Unlike the other replies I've read so far, what hit me the hardest was the epiphany you described in your first paragraph. I've been going through a similar transformation and it's like been hit in the face. Shocking to the point where I have trouble articulating it to others. Like night and day. Maybe THAT'S the intelligence test, or the secret to "controlling" your life: realizing you can't, and then learning to accept, cherish and grow from everything the universe throws at you.
Great read, thanks.
ahh to have a directory of wonderful things that matter.
Purly, I think everyone has problems being really open with another human. Many, if not most, people go their entire lives without doing it.
Congrats on the awesome relationship you're in, Paul!
Gag... this is sounding more and more like Sick Boy's unifying theory of life in disguise.
You got old, you can't hack it anymore, so you're giving up, to be "happy" like those self-help losers on PBS tell you to.
Gregory House, though fictional, has it right philosophy-wise.
(So maybe I should say David Shore is right.)
Better to be a dissatisfied Socrates than a contented pig.
Love is something you do.
Most people's views of love are, when boiled down, purely Calvinistic. The go along the lines of: Some day I will just be chosen to be loved, and all will be well, or I will not, and that is the fate they will be dealt. Love is some external force, like a Agape Spirit, which will infuse them with happiness once they are blessed by it.
Adults, on the other hand, soon realize that its an act, a renewable resource, which either is carefully cultivated or is lost.
I think that might be one of major points the author is trying to make.
Zuzu,
Please don't project your own emotional stunting onto everybody else.
#21 Zuzu:
I am still working in my field. I'd just rather spend time with my wife and kids than push single mindedly towards a goal that I set for myself when I was 25.
Sure, a base pay of 125K would be nice, but I can't relate or parent by proxy.
Who was it who pointed out that no one ever went to the grave saying "I wish I'd spent more time at the office"?
many valuable lessons in sickness and age. Hope you live long enough to learn most of them.
@25 MAOinhibitor
Money and family are also fine, but what about solving the problems of humanity that only you can? Where's your masterpiece or magnum opus?
(I don't mean for this to sound like a personal judgment; but I am critical of the phenomenon of people who give up on their "life's work" or "passion" just to settle down for a domestic life.)
Imagine if Mozart or Picasso had instead settled down like that.
Phikus!
Congrats dude!! Like how ya snuck that it :D
For people who are actually driven by the significance and meaning of their endeavors, I bet they actually do "wish I'd spent more time on the job".
Beware the Last Man!
A few thoughts prompted by reading this entry and several of the comments:
I despair when I hear people recite a laundry list of requirements when searching for a partner. While it is good to be clear in your own mind about what you want, you can't order people to specification from a catalog, and this is doubly true when it comes to intimate relationships. Never forget, you can often find something much cooler than what you thought you wanted if your eyes, mind and heart are open.
A big red flag for me is when I perceive that someone's primary use for a partner is to meet or accentuate their personal goals. There are many different arenas where this gets played out... fame and reknown, hierarchy, economic, professional, for the approval of others, with perhaps the most pernicious and common being procreation. Men who mostly seek a life support system and women who are looking for a sperm bank/wallet combo and little more both come readily to mind. When the personal goals are either met or thwarted, the relationship disintegrates, because there's little else left. I've lost track of how many lives I've seen damaged in this fashion.
Perhaps the biggest turn-off for me when first meeting a woman is being immediately scoped out for occupation, status and relative wealth. Look, I've got a steady gig, I pay my bills and I take care of my own business... is this a job interview? Do you want to see my resume and bank statement? I completely understand the need to avoid deadbeats, energy-sucking vampires and chronic ne'er-do-wells... believe me, I have the same need. But what is your inner life like? What piques your interest, floats your boat, makes you giggle? How do you like to spend your time? Favorite musicians, artists, authors? Tell me about your friends, your day, something you noticed. Non-sequiturs and the trivial are fine. The particulars will reveal themselves in good time.
I'm the same age as our guest blogger, and after many years I've managed to boil down my needs to just a few. I prefer a relationship that is its own end, and someone who wants to be with me just because. If I'm with a good person, everything else will follow.
Paul, sounds like you hit the jackpot... most excellent!
Still ZuZu, no need to be so sharp (22).. Paul is sharing some personal stuff here.
Zuzu, what you're talking about is making the Choice of Alberich—renouncing love for greatness. Its opposite would be the Choice of Paris, which is throwing everything else over for love.
I would submit that middle ground is available.
I'm definitely glad he gave up on being famous. That's another popular construct I'm also rather critical of, and I think much of reality television of the past decade has provided a positive feedback loop for it in the general public. But I'm reminded of Chris Anderson's arguments in The Long Tail for what's wrong about the "smash hit"-based mentality, and that applies to people just as well in my opinion.
I also totally concur with Paul that sexual conquest is boring. (Then again, the "hot girl version of me" would be much more like Deborah Unger in David Cronenberg's Crash.)
Finally, this also sounds to me like an ideal description of a partner:
(Way to go Paul and Wendy!)
Which strikes me as a Choice of Alberich / Choice of Paris dichotomy.It was really only this:
Hey zuzu, none of this changes the fact that you are behaving like a bit of a dick. Your negativity. Your redundant use of quotes from the people you are answering. Your shrill and way over the top attack on this mans point of view, point to one thing. You are a troll who doesn't seem to know it.
You've obliterated what Paul, the 'guest' here, was trying to communicate to us and hi-jacked his post. All for the worst in my opinion. Seeing as all the comments seem to be trying to deal with you and your rather skewed and myopic world view instead of reflecting on what Paul had to say.
So I firmly point the finger and call:
Troll.
I think a lot of this is also age-related--when you're in your teens and twenties, dreams of stardom and 'hot chicks' go together like peanut butter and chocolate. It isn't until later, if at all, that the cold reality becomes apparent. (Even then, a lot of dudes will keep pushing the 'dream' until they're spending all their money on cars, hair transplants and Viagra.)
Age and divorce also play a part in this--as someone who lived through the hellish divorce and 20+ year aftermath, I vowed not to do this to my (future) kids. As it stands, I waited until my mid-30s to get married, and am madly in love with my wife, who is attractive in all ways, except for not being a 6' tall überblonde, which is fine, because I passed through that phase a long time ago.
As far being famous, or doing something great for the world, having a kid puts that in a different light, to the point where you might think (as I do) that raising your kids right is a very worthy goal for making the world a better place.
@#22: I'm always chuckled when I see people looking at House as a role model. There is a reason David Shore has written House to be depressed, hostile, and dependent on pain meds. What makes you think that kind of success and happiness are mutually exclusive? I also agree with Xopher. There is a difference between sacrificing relationships and avoiding relationships. Some people doing the later con themselves into believing they're doing the former.
Thanks, Paul, for this open, thought-provoking post.
I've also enjoyed reading ZuZu's increasingly vigorous rebuttals. I posted an essay like Paul's when I was in my 30s and that triggered some lively comments very much like ZuZu's.
I think the fallacy that many young people make is that finding balance is a form of "giving up".
"As the splashing of my youth subsides I perceive that I have been swimming against a current. Paradoxically, it is only when I relax and accept my place in the river that I begin to make progress. Even now the river is sweeping me into new vistas."
John
Nobody who's 43 years old should be writing a post like this as if it were a revelation. It's like being at a dinner party, when your 43-year-old host returns to the dining room and announces that he just figured out what the roll of paper by the toilet is for.
I'm happy for you, but that's kinda' disturbing.
Paul, thanks for these great thoughts that you've been posting; your thoughts are well formed and, based on the discussions here, provoking. Keep it up!
@Zuzu, enough with the name-dropping and flexing of nerd-cool, alright? Thanks.
@Zuzu:
BTW, both Mozart and Picasso were "settled down". In fact, Picasso settled down a few times.
Is there something about wanting to be successful (winning the metaphorical "intelligence test") that precludes emotional truthfulness?
I think Alberich and Paris were both dickheads, in case I didn't make that clear.
JohnLancia 35, now you're being a little harsh. Zuzu makes some annoying comments, but I don't think he crosses the line into trollery (usually, and not in this thread). You clearly disagree, and that's fine, but I'm just pointing out that it's not as clear-cut as you think.
On replacing one's career passion with a priority towards a deep relationship with spouse and family. I'd say it is age-related, specifically hormone related. Testosterone levels drop in one's thirties and forties. This would make one less competitive and goal-driven, and more craving of emotional, interpersonal connections.
wow... the bitter ones are so easy to spot...
you're a shit-disturber Paul, intentional or not. Welcome aboard!
#44
It makes sense. It would serve no purpose for me to be running around like a horny teenager when I should be taking care of my offspring.
If you don't have children, you act in ways that will maximize your chance to reproduce. It's sort of a Go Big or Go Home strategy. You have little to lose by doubling down on social bets at this stage in life, unless it actually gets you killed. Antisocial behavior gets you noticed, and is sometimes rewarded.
Once you've got children, your role changes. Personal goals are subjugated to group goals. Building relationships is adaptive, as having strong relationships makes it more likely that the needs of your family will be met. Antisocial behavior, at this stage of the game, earns you no prizes. Going Big is stupid, as if you squander your resources on a long bet, your family will suffer. You're ripping the tailfins and chrome off the mothership, streamlining for the long haul, for the slow burn.
Those that have not gone through the experience are not likely to understand it. If, in your early adulthood, you are exceedingly optimistic and idealistic about your future (Skycars! Uploading! Smart drugs! Post-scarcity economics!), you're not going to understand why a late 30s guy like me is just happy to be able to replace the storm windows on his house without going broke.
This was lovely, and reminded me of me and my wife, but using different words than I would. Thanks.
Ernunnos, no, it's personal.
"During our courtship, my wife Wendy challenged me again and again, with firmness and understanding, to engage with her honestly and completely, no matter what it meant. She led me to the promised land where we could be ourselves fully while delighting in and being committed to each other..."
Real men know that coward dishonesty eventually backfires and kills the beauty of love and trust. I'm glad you were not too coward to face the consequences of always being completely honest with your girl. It sounds like having the balls and decency to always "keep it on the real" with her, no matter what, more than paid off for you both. That's awesome, dude!
This is a great post. Thanks for making me cry, in a a good way! Cheers!
You can't argue with a wedding toast.
Thanks Paul, its nice to see that some wonderful things on this site aren't just about shiny gadgets and funny pictures. I love reading your writing and wish more people the world over thought alog similar lines.
:)
Paul, you know, some people never figure it out. Congrats, dude. Love is all there is. That's it. That's the answer. You just wrote and shared something from your heart, and that's what makes it so real.
ZuZu...stop it or I'm going to come over and force you to make your bed. Just like in the marine corps: over and over and over again.
I despair when I hear people recite a laundry list of requirements when searching for a partner.
Same here. I first dated my wife when we were in college, but after a while we broke up for a year. I had some sort of idea that I could find a woman who complemented me perfectly by sharing most of my interests. Eventually I figured out that ordering up a set of characteristics is not how love works. My wife likes her way of doing things; I like mine. She's not the woman I would have ordered off of a list; she's better than that, because all I would have ordered off a list would have been a prettier version of myself. That would get boring rather quickly.
"...you're not going to understand why a late 30s guy like me is just happy to be able to replace the storm windows on his house without going broke."
If everyone was a Mozart or Picasso, Mozart and Picasso wouldn't be so damn special. Civilization needs all types and not everyone will be, or even should be, a genius. Otherwise, genius isn't worth diddly squat. For genius to exist, there has to be a whole segment of the population looking forward to getting storm windows and happy to see their children grow up healthy and happy. Its not that they can't hack it, they're hacking something else entirely. Something the lonely, distressed suffering artists/inventors/what have you, couldn't hack themselves. People who look their noses down at the average Joe's and Janes of the world need to take their noses out of "Atlas Shrugged" and actually start looking at how the world works. We're not all genius architects of the future. And that's ok. In fact, that is the only way there can continue to be genius architects of the future.
The more we use hindsight, the more we are able to use foresight. Too bad by the time most of us figure that out, there is more behind us than ahead. Only thing left to do is share with others that they not need make the same mistakes. Well played Mr.Spinrad.
Excellent post. Thank you for sharing!
Bravo!
#39 by Ernunnos
> Nobody who's 43 years old should be writing a post like this as
> if it were a revelation.
This is a little harsh. Many people will reach old age without learning any of this wisdom. Many more don't know it at 43. Learning it now is much much better than nothing.
Great post! Thanks!
After many failed relationships, I avoided them for several years and concentrated on myself. Not until I truly loved and accepted the consequences of being myself, was I open to true love and emotionally available. That's when I met my wife. We share everything, all fears, thoughts, wants, expectations, everything. We know we can't make each other truly happy, and individually we would be OK without the other (although it would suck). It's simply amazing, each day is better than the last.
I have a feeling only about 4 people understood what this post (and I suppose that is why 50% or more of those who have posted here will probably end up divorced).
On a lighter note, URSHREW & LogicalDash were the funniest!
Lol, obviously not, but I believe this post was Paul's attempt to affirm his value and success in the private sphere as well as acknowledge his mediocrity in the...public sphere (for lack of a better descriptor).
I think it is courageous! Some can achieve private and public greatness, while others may only achieve one or the other. If I find myself in the same position that you are in, Paul, when I am middle-aged, I hope I can face the truth with the same courage and grace that you have shown through your writing.
Being able to reveal your weaknesses, fears & deficiencies is one of the most difficult things someone can do--not only because it requires you to see yourself clearly, but it also requires you to take a leap of faith to reveal it to someone you (usually) admire and love!
Most of you should read, re-read, and then read again URSHREW's #23 post.
Try to understand it because the sooner you figure it out, I think the more successful you'll be. Maybe if Paul had figured stuff out earlier, he'd have more external success. Regardless, I'm so happy that you've been able to experience the joy that are the result of leaps of faith and emotionally honesty!
Caveat: I felt it necessary to mention that not all leaps of faith and truthful sharing lead to happiness. As someone has mentioned, it also all depends in whom you are confiding.