Warning sign on house

Burbia has photos of this sign someone put on their front porch. It says "Scientologists, Jehovah's Witnesses & our neighbor Jerry NOT WELCOME."

Read the fine print here.

[#1 posted by skramble , January 23, 2009 12:08 PM]

Great use of appropriate typefaces. The choice of Rockwell font for the headline makes for excellent signage in this case.

[#2 posted by Brainspore , January 23, 2009 12:39 PM]

Whaddaya bet that asshole Jerry steals the sign?

[#3 posted by Keeper of the Lantern , January 23, 2009 12:42 PM]

Reminds me of my father: I once visited my folks house and noticed that the welcome mat was pulled inside. "Why did you pull in the welcome mat?" I asked.

"'cause their not..." says my father.

[#4 posted by Kimrod , January 23, 2009 12:49 PM]

Read the FIND print here?

Do you mean the FINE print?

Thank You...

National Association of Professional Poofreaders Yo! (NAPPY)

[#5 posted by Bonnie , January 23, 2009 12:50 PM]

Where can I learn more about the cult of Our Neighbor Jerry?

[#6 posted by Neon Tooth , January 23, 2009 12:57 PM]

You took The Gleasson's mailbox? Why?

Haha,
I bet Jerry parties *hard*!

[#7 posted by Takuan , January 23, 2009 1:02 PM]

gonna make a welcome mat. Two foot prints painted in red on the porch. Cut a sqare an eight inch deep to look like a trap door seam. Let some hinge butts in to complete the illusion. Overhead, two massive timbers with spike-work ends obviously hinged to swing down together when released and MASH anyone caught between them. (make em outta styro and rubber latex foam,with the right paint they look real from an inch away). Door bell that plays the Indiana Jones theme.

[#8 posted by Osprey101 , January 23, 2009 1:26 PM]

Sure, it sounds funny, but you don't know that Jerry!

[#9 posted by technogeek , January 23, 2009 1:27 PM]

A friend of mine, for many years, has had a sign on his front door saying "No solicitation over age 16." He's willing to support local kids selling stuff, but any adult peddling either product or religion is advised to pedal away.

[#10 posted by SimeonW , January 23, 2009 1:28 PM]

At least the Mormons are still welcome.

Do Scientologists even go door to door?

[#11 posted by sonny p fontaine , January 23, 2009 1:35 PM]

TAK...sometimes i'd swear you're an eleven year old super genius.

[#12 posted by freshacconci , January 23, 2009 1:40 PM]

Do Scientologists go door to door? For that matter, do Jehovah's Witnesses still do this? I haven't encountered Jehovah's Witnesses at the door since I was a kid.

[#13 posted by Takuan , January 23, 2009 1:41 PM]

well, the eleven part is right.

[#14 posted by Brainspore , January 23, 2009 1:44 PM]

@ Technogeek #9: Not a bad policy, but I bet a lot of people just assumed your friend was a pedophile.

[#15 posted by MameDennis , January 23, 2009 1:53 PM]

@freshacconci Oh, yes, the Witnesses are out in force. I really resent how they worm their way into my apartment building... I'm fairly certain that Jehovah is not down with the borderline B&E.

[#16 posted by sonny p fontaine , January 23, 2009 1:59 PM]

that's how i read it, BRAINSPORE

[#17 posted by Rezpect , January 23, 2009 1:59 PM]

Priceless!

[#18 posted by Sijay , January 23, 2009 2:14 PM]

Well, sometimes drastic measures are necessary. I reached that point in early October:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/51035744398@N01/3221313442/

[#19 posted by Bloodboiler , January 23, 2009 2:18 PM]

I can understand not wanting Scientologists, Jehovah's, Atheists, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Wiccas, people of specific skin tone etc. but what why not Jerry?

What is it that makes only Jerry unacceptable, but all possible groups he might belong to acceptable?

[#20 posted by Xeni Jardin , January 23, 2009 2:26 PM]

Is this about the Grateful Dead?

[#21 posted by Rob , January 23, 2009 2:29 PM]

Yep, Jehovah's Witnesses still go door to door. Even here in Japan. Because Jesus really wants them to.

[#22 posted by sebastiano , January 23, 2009 2:39 PM]

HA! Love that first comment on Burbia...

"But Jerry needs those things to test his teeth: www.thatsnotfake.com/currently_investigating/ "

[#23 posted by angusm , January 23, 2009 3:08 PM]

I find the idea of door-knocking Scientologists pretty scary, and not just because it raises the possibility of being door-stepped by Tom and Katie. It's more the "Hi, we'd like to talk to you about Xenu, a galactic tyrant who murdered billions of thetans using atomic bombs in volcanoes and spacecraft shaped exactly like DC-9's, causing pernicious engrams that continue to plague humanity to this day and ... oh, did we already mention the clams?"

[#24 posted by FourFiveFire , January 23, 2009 3:28 PM]

Scientologists are far sneakier than that--they don't knock on your door, they just leaflet your house when you're not looking. And they do it again when you throw the leaflets away. And again even after you tape the leaflets to your door with giant, muddy foot prints stomped all over them. THE BASTARDS NEVER GO AWAY.

[#25 posted by brynnablue , January 23, 2009 3:47 PM]

My favorite welcome mat:
"We love our vacuum, we go to church, and we give at the office. Thank you."
(a friend's parents' house in Ft. Worth, Texas)

[#26 posted by Antinous / Moderator , January 23, 2009 5:32 PM]

What do you bet that Jerry has a mullet?

[#27 posted by Takuan , January 23, 2009 5:47 PM]

really? he can keep it
http://i240.photobucket.com/albums/ff203/WILLFISH93/DSCN0639.jpg

bony and coarse

[#28 posted by Superfluous Moniker , January 23, 2009 5:47 PM]

I made the mistake of answering the door and actually talking to the Jehovah's Witnesses once (told them being raised Catholic had turned me off organized religion), and I think they put me on a 'sucker' list because now every couple months I'll get a visit. I've taken to looking through the blinds before I answer the door, and if it's someone I don't recognize in a suit and tie, I let them see that I'm home but ignoring them. Hopefully they'll get the picture eventually.

[#29 posted by atomix , January 23, 2009 5:56 PM]

#28: I'm sure they're not trying to bug you. If you're not interested in what they're saying, just tell them.

[#30 posted by IamInnocent , January 23, 2009 7:29 PM]

Fine prints cut both ways.

One Saturday morning, a Jehovah's guy knocked to my door and I sleepily opened, but just enough to give him the time to gargle some word before closing it back, a bit in his face, maybe, and going back to bed. He then wrote on my door frame, in pencil and in very fine print, the speech that he surely reserved to the irrevocably damned, complete with quotes from some Scriptures and stuff.

I left it there and was never bothered again.
No truer story was ever told.

[#31 posted by EH , January 23, 2009 7:59 PM]

You could augment your fake-trapdoor welcome mat with a pressure sensor that triggers an audio file of someone racking a shotgun.

[#32 posted by sirkowski , January 23, 2009 8:03 PM]

NEVER talk to a Jehovah's Witness. Anything you say, no matter how clever, will convince them they've got a chance with you.

[#33 posted by Takuan , January 23, 2009 8:17 PM]

OK, OK two more ideas: #1: treadmill, you open the door and turn on a very obvious speed dial. First if barely rolls, giving them time to realize they are standing on a treadmill and take an involuntary step forward to keep their balance. And another. And another. You pleasantly ask them what they want - hand on dial. With each utterance from them you frown ever so slightly and very slowly increase the speed. See if they want to talk to enough to jog.

#2. Smile! You're on TV! Pop down cameras and lights from overhead and turn their visit into a reality TV show streamed real-time to JoHoCam (tm). Have "releases" on clipboards ready for them to sign. A BIG,oddly phallic microphone you keep shoving in their faces. Maybe interrupt them for make-up.

[#34 posted by AirPillo , January 23, 2009 10:43 PM]

Takuan, I'm sure option one might cause some consternation from your insurance provider. Of course this is of little concern once you have the thing installed since you can use it on WHOEVER bothers to show up at your front door...

(Here's a fun idea: If your insurance company sends someone to your house and they get hurt... do they sue their own employer?)

[#35 posted by Takuan , January 23, 2009 11:20 PM]

my all time favourite: Invader Zim garden gnomes. I swear I WILL do this one day.

[#36 posted by Jupiter12 , January 24, 2009 7:03 AM]

I actually like talking to Jehovah's Witnesses; I find them to be very friendly. This guy Jerry doesn't seem so nice though.

[#37 posted by TheMadLibrarian , January 24, 2009 11:16 AM]

Tak -- what about a doormat: Beware of Ogre? You don't have to specify if it's bio or the battletank.

[#38 posted by Takuan , January 24, 2009 11:36 AM]

they wouldn't know what an ogre was. How about shimmering hoops of light that rise and descend a la "Metropolis"? Or a green laser scanner like "Aliens" mounted on a robotic arm?

[#39 posted by kaelsleeps , January 25, 2009 3:28 AM]

poor Jerry.

[#40 posted by vespabelle , January 25, 2009 9:42 AM]

My assistant is a "Witness for Jehovah" and she says if you take the literature, they will come back. Frankly, all the Witnesses that come to my house have been nice middle aged ladies who are very polite when I tell them I'm not interested.

I have much more trouble getting guys from the PIRG off my porch.

(even though I have a "no soliciting, canvassing, proselytizing" sign.)

[#41 posted by Takuan , January 25, 2009 10:08 AM]

PIRGs? That's when YOU pretend to be a witness.

[#42 posted by AirPillo , January 26, 2009 12:07 AM]

Jehovah's Witnesses are almost always very pleasant, polite, and friendly when they come to your front door.

I would have no problem talking with them at all. If they were always of that demeanor, I would go out of my way to speak to them often!

However the problem is that when they're at your door they are there for a very specific purpose and they will almost always exert pressure (of varying degrees, depending on the person) to attempt to get back to that specific subject, which makes it difficult to enjoy the conversation with an otherwise very pleasant person.

[#43 posted by Beanolini , January 26, 2009 2:13 AM]

Similar themes are addressed at
passiveaggressivenotes.com.