Letters From Johns
In January of this year, on what amounted to a whim, I created an online project called Letters from Johns. To be perfectly honest, I can't even recall exactly why I did it, but I've been writing about the sex industry for years, and I suppose I was curious about why men pay for sex. Rather than hearing someone else's version of their stories, I was interested in collecting their stories. So, I put out a call on my blog for exactly that, and that's exactly what I got.
Every so often, another letter from a john would show up in my email box. They were state investigators, lonely, single guys, married men, enlisted, world travelers, virgins, and thrill-seekers. When Spitzergate hit, I got more letters than ever. (I wrote about the project here.) Eventually, though, the call girl and john coverage slowed. These days, I get fewer letters than I used to.
Last night, I got a new letter from a john. It was more sad than most, although many of the letters are somewhat sad. More often than not, the emails are testimonies to loneliness, and the lengths people, men, in particular, will go to be anywhere but alone. This letter, though, was particularly sad, and my guess is it came from a Boing Boing reader. Seeing as I hadn't gotten any letters in a while, and this one rolled in the night I started guestblogging, it's likely he came across the project from here.
Of course, I don't bring this up to out him. He's a John Doe, and all letters remain anonymous. Sometimes, though, there's a tendency to see stories like his, or those of the others, as belonging to lives that are nothing like ours, to "Other-ize" them, when, in fact, the themes of these letters -- the desire to transcend one's internal abyss -- are not so unlike the stories of most who have experiences that require them to find out what's hidden in their darkest places.
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Oh thank you!! I was hoping that you would post the letters here. I've been reading them (both the Johns' and the Working Girls) and find them extremely poignant and engrossing. Some are very sad, but many surprisignly heartwarming.
For reasons I can not completely explain, I think this John needs to read a Confederacy of Dunces. Then I think he needs to write a book.
Dear John (I hope you get a chance to read this)
I once met a man from a similar background as yourself, his sad tale told to me when he was absolutely wrecked, despondent, and reaching out at random to anyone in sight for someone to talk to. I happened to be too drunk to walk, so ended up listening to him while I sobered up. It took about an hour or so, during which he told me variants of most of the issues you spoke of. When he finally trailed of, staring into his drink, I was able to think of only one thing to say to him
"You should get some counseling, maybe find a support group for rape survivors, or victims of parental abuse. I'm not equipped to either truly understand or empathize with your past - but there are those that can because they've been through it too."
I ran into him about a year later, he recognized me on the street, and introduced me to his wife. He'd taken my advice at face value and gone to a rape survivor support group, and then a parental abuse support group; she was at both of them as well. They got to know each other - and the mutual understanding from similar experiences allowed them to learn to trust one another, to feel free to open up, to share, be intimate emotionally without fear of rejection or revulsion, and in time - to love.
They live in my neighborhood, and I see them from time to time walking their dog, or at the community center with their son; and they are one of the happiest couples I've ever met.
So don't despair, just keep looking, you could be surprised at what you can find.
Can of worms!
Oh dear: is the sex industry a horrific exploitative tool, or, a useful ends by means people would choose other than if only different circumstances?
Touch, and the semblance of affection, to the untouchables 'just too wierd' for conventional coital relationships...
In the most ideal of sex worker conditions, the opportunity to make an impressive amount of money, control your own hours, choose your clientele...
If only I were less conflicted, myself, I would be a John without remorse. Maybe, if like the John above, if ever in Amsterdam... who knows what I may exchange with a woman who appears to choose what she is confortable doing? Oh-yeah, an STD. Wear condoms!
nnyms (#4) - Cndms dn't prvnt STDs, sdly.
Is it OK if I laughed ?
I mean not all the time but sometimes like when the guy goes to an anonymous clinic under a pseudonym; he may not have known how to have safe sex but he could teach lessons to most about having safe tests.
I liked also the description of that other one of "...real people with real breast implants...".
I would like to somewhat echo #4 by saying that I thought it was a fairly poignant story until I got to where he thought he had 'betrayed his own feelings of feminism.' Feminism should be about nothing more than desiring equal treatment - it has nothing to do with sex. If more women are hookers than men, then that is because of demand, and whether or not it is from a traditional viewpoint, it is not anathema to feminism at all.
Not that this guy would probably care about his mistake (or change his view) because he obviously has much deeper problems that are pressing concerns for him.
I'll be really honest here, but I am a bit disappointed not to see more response/comments about this post. Prostitution is a taboo and mystified topic, with a lot or preconcieved ideas about both johns and hookers and it's interesting to to see the vulnerability and humanity of both sides.
Frankly, reading many of the letters reinforced my impression that men and women aren't nearly as different and antagonistic as we like to advertise. I mainly saw a striking equality in vulnerability and yearning for love.
But, of course, that's just my own feeling on it.
Nevada provides proof that prostitution can be done the right way.
Gee, that was uplifting *L*
We all know life is shit most of the time and while understanding life is important, concentrating on the shit isent a good idea, not if mental sanity is something to value.
Another sad, depressing, soul sucking article, thanks for killing my inner child just a little more.
There, there, Arghmonkey... here's your Wii, remote control and a box of Kleenex. Go back to your fluffy bed, pull your nice, padded duvet up over your head, and live on in happy ignorance.
...we'll call you when you're wanted.
The guy needs to find a good therapist or a survivors of abuse group or something. One of the problems with depression is the first thing it has to do is sap your will to address the core problem.
There's nothing wrong with dealing with the surface issues if that's what it takes to get through. Seeing a prostitute to get over the lonliness is better than committing suicide. But this guy needs to take on dealing with the core issue, which is being abused as a child by his father and others.
i'm a big fan of susannah's writings. letters like this last one though make me want to see her do a bit more than just present these stories. with her experiences, i think it would be well within her bounds to move even a bit beyond journalism and possibly advise some of the johns/working girls. maybe she does email them back, i don't know, but #4 and #12 have the right idea - this guy needs to get therapy and perhaps hearing that from the person he finally confessed to would help. then again, as the guy who trolls some of susannah's articles posting comments as "xenu jardin", i guess i don't have much ground to stand on :)
While I have never visited a prostitute I can empathize with this guy. I don't have nearly the extreme mental problems he does but I know how debilitating anxiety can be. I spent my younger years being afraid of women. Afraid of being rejected or made fun of. He does need a good therapist to find his way out of this self loathing he is in. I opted out of taking medication for Generalized Anxiety Disorder and spent a few more years with the same problems. I have progressed since then and caught a few lucky breaks. I did go through therapy and found a peace in myself but the anxiety still is there but I am better equipped to deal with it. I found activities that helped me overcome it like getting a job that required me to be around large groups.
I am a woman, sex-positive feminist, and have been a victim of rape and parental rejection. Though I have some issues of my own, I applaud our drunken advisor above.
The 'individualist' (for lack of a better word) attitude of contemporary Western culture where everyone is an island does not serve people well. Sex is a basic human need, as is love and intimacy. Group therapy is a great place for a person in need of these things, whether or not they also need one-on-one therapy. After all, most people in the group are as lonely as they are.
My childhood was similar to his. I was beaten by my father regularly; he thought it was the right way to raise a child. "Spare the rod and spoil the child" It was the way he was raised and he saw nothing wrong with it. My mother was raised to be submissive to her husband and did nothing to stop it. I felt abused by him and betrayed by her.
Luckily I realized that nobody has a perfect childhood and I could leave it behind me and get on with my life. I forgave them and let it go.
The main impact it had on me was that I never had children. I couldn't let my upbringing impact someone else the way their upbringing impacted me.
It's been about 30 years since then and I'm largely over it. I still have issues with self worth, but my loving wife has helped a lot with that. I hope that guy finds loving folks to help him with his issues and that he learns to accept himself.
That made me cry.
I have a hell of a lot in common with this guy and while I can't pretend I know how he feels about the abuse I do know exactly how he feels about the isolation and frustration of never having been able to touch anyone. I'm glad for him that he at least gets to have that minimal interaction with SPs. (Me, I'm female and straight and there are no male prostitutes about--and even if there were I could never face the humiliation of paying for sex with a guy who would take one look at me naked and not be able to get it up. Biology's a bitch sometimes.)
Dear Mr. John,
First of all, don't let any comments you see here or elsewhere get you down. Not that I think any Boinger would troll this thread.
Second, I'm not going to offer any other advice, but I will say: you're not alone. I've had similar feelings and/or experiences. And I know other men have, too.
I'm not saying your own experiences are not uniquely your own, or that there is some invisible label waiting to descend on you. (It did disturb me you called yourself a 'loser.') I'm saying that these problems have been dealt with before, in good ways and bad. There are resources. There are people to talk to. There is a way.
Finally, you're not as bad a person as you might think. You have not inflicted the suffering that was inflicted upon you. You may be 'damaged' but that does not mean you're worthless - everyone is damaged in some way or another. Your ways of dealing with that, while imperfect, do less harm to yourself and others than (for example) chronic alcohol abuse would.
With regards, from one human to another,
--Devin Carless
In a married relationship with a wife who became frigid after our first child. Haven't had an "intimate moment" much less intercourse in 7 years. The story teared me up too. It's not the orgasm but the intimacy that's important. I guess I'll always have my porn (sigh)
We all carry baggage with us - some have travelled paths where they end with more to carry than others, that's true - but there's nothing shameful or unusual about asking others to help carry some of your load from time to time.
Not everyone will be able to - they may have too much baggage of their own at the time, or, hey, they may be a jerk or something - and that's OK. But don't be shy about asking until you find those willing to help you out. Plenty of people out there want to help you.
Good luck on your journeys.
Dccarles @18:
You're right. It's a very sensitive subject. If people can't trust that they won't get trolled, this nascent conversation won't happen. Letting it happen is what I'm here for.If we do get any trolling or bad attitude, please don't hesitate to click on the eyeball icon and let us know that there's a problem.
ArghMonkey @10, I'm sorry that you and your inner child have so much trouble dealing with someone else's pain.
MacGuffin @5, I know you're not some nonce-commenter, and I'm very sorry to have to disemvowel a message of yours, but that version you posted could get people killed. I know condoms aren't infallible protection against all possible means of transmission, but saying they prevent STDs comes a great deal closer to the truth than saying they don't.
Dear John,
Everyone over the age of four is damaged goods in some way or other.
I agree with the others who've suggested therapy -
cognitive behavioural therapy works very well for both depression, anxiety and body image issues - I know because I've been through it for my own.
It's possible in time you might also benefit from seeing a sexual surrogate at some point in the future. Your situation sounds like one in this article:
http://www.browardpalmbeach.com/2008-07-03/news/sexual-healing/1
Don't give up hope.
People are attracted to the oddest, most quirky things.
You've proved you are a survivor simply by not having given in and having lived to this point.
Your concern for your mother's feelings, for not causing her pain shows you have a caring sensitive side.
All these things prove you do have something to offer someone in a relationship.
Please don't give up.
zale