McCain's D&D character stats
1st Level Fighter / 14th Level Aristocrat by (+5, Troll)John McCain Campaign Takes a +3 Vorpal Blade to Dungeons & Dragons PlayersHis stat block is STR 12, INT 9, WIS 9, DEX 9, CON 10, CHR 14, adjusting for age. His Bluff skill is maxed, but he has just one rank in Knowledge (Religion) and no ranks in Knowledge (Economics). He was only a fighter for a short time, but he brags about those days to anyone who doesn't intentionally fail their Listen check. He managed to charm an aristocratic lass into marriage to make his fortune, though he had to leave his first wife to do so.
Overlord McCainnister the Brute by Sam
This perennially battle-weary creature thrives on animosity and fear; it wields a Fox Cloak of Deception with a +10 stun against nearby intelligent creatures. Sporting long, tentacled arms, its impressive reach gives it a +5 luck in debates. Sadly, this creature is rarely found in the wild; it is usually paired as a familiar to the Horn-toothed Lobbyist.
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I'd say more likely INT 12, WIS 8... he's failed some serious aging checks.
Brilliant stat sheet on McCain! Brilliant!
So Obama's would be maxed-out in CHR. He'd take a penalty in WIS for his age & experience, but still have great promise as a Wizard (Illusionist, of course).
He'd be a half-elf, but nobody would see his human side: he'd just be perceived as a dark elf. Many human peasants (Redneck clans) will feel he doesn't align with their deity, and those that acknowledge he does, will only state this with respect his former Chaos Cleric.
Much to Obama's credit, he's done an epic battle with a powerful Enchanter's (Bill Clinton) Harpy familiar (Hillary).
"He was only a fighter for a short time, but he brags about those days to anyone who doesn't intentionally fail their Listen check."
I'd like to see whoever wrote this spend five years in a Viet Cong prison camp.
@#3
I agree that McCain's time in a prisoner of war camp was a life-altering and horrific experience.
But, how long does he get to keep this as his "Get Out of Jail Free" card? I mean, we can't seem to go a day without hearing all about it AGAIN. How 'bout focusing on the fact that the so-called 'maverick' voted with Bush 95% of the time, according to some statistics? Not very 'maverick.'
Don't misunderstand me - I'm not saying Obama is the Second Coming. I just want there to be an honest discussion about McCain without the halo glow of the Prisoner of War thing distorting our vision.
If those stats are adjusted for age, he must have been pretty strong and not very smart to begin with. At venerable age (let's face, it McCain is well past old age), he gets -3 to Str, Dex, and Con, and +1 to Int, Wis, and Cha.
My favorite part was the "Fox Cloak of Deception"--that was BRILLIANT!!! ROFL! I was a bit surprised that he had such a high CHR score...I always thought he was "hot-headed"?
McCain has an 8 for Constitution.
US Constitution, that is.
He is Neutral Good, a he is at least a 5th level pilot - not just any schmoe can land on an aircraft carrier or survive 3 fighter plane crashes.
His saving throw v. Blondes is not good.
I'd like to see whoever wrote this spend five years in a Viet Cong prison camp.
I'D like to see someone who spent five years in a Viet Cong prison camp support torturing prisoners. What? Really? Wow...
Yeah, I would say his charisma (14) is overstated a bit. I would *at most* give him a 12. He is not a good-looking man. Also, the whole point of gathering all those nuts in his cheeks is to bury them in the ground or find a good knothole in a tree. Let go of them already man!
@4 I'm getting tired of hearing it too. Should we gather up all the POW's in America and make them presidents, senators, and representatives? Sad as it is, some of our vets are living on the streets or pretty close to it.
Old news.
Charles Stross did this a long time ago, when Gary Gygax died.
http://www.antipope.org/charlie/blog-static/2008/03/politics_as_she_is_played.html
He did several then candidates, but here's McCain's.
Here's what my Monster Manual had to say on the matter: (NB: it's a 1st edition AD&D Monster Manual; I never could get the hang of those new-fangled 2nd edition rules.)
John McCain (Demon Prince of Republicans.) (Lesser God.)
FREQUENCY: Very rare
NO APPEARING: 1
ARMOUR CLASS: -7
MOVE: 3" (72" per flight sector on the campaign jet)
HIT DICE: 200 hit points (But first you have to defeat 4d8 Secret Service Agents)
% IN LAIR: 0%
TREASURE TYPE: All your NATO base are belong to us!
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: Invades Iran. Takes 100d20 casualties in first strike while inflicting 20 x 100d20 civilian casualties. Followed by war of attrition, economic collapse, recrimination.
SPECIAL ATTACKS: 5% chance of 30,000 Megaton nuclear first strike on Upper Volta.
SPECIAL DEFENSES: +3 or better weapon to hit. In event of combat, 20% chance of heart attack per round, followed by the swearing in of President Santorum. You wouldn't want that, would you?)
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 80% (10% vs. mind control spells by Cheney.)
INTELLIGENCE: Normal.
CHARISMA: 12 (16 to neocons)
ALIGNMENT: Chaotic evil if under control of Cheney; otherwise Chaotic neutral.
SIZE: M
LEVEL/X.P. VALUE: X/29,950* (* for impeachment)
A huge, ancient, carnivorous dinosaur from the swamps at the heart of Republican country, not unlike Godzilla in appearance and wrinkled integument, McCain has seen better years. Nevertheless he can breathe fire and threaten to stomp flat the capital city of any country that Fox News disapproves of with the best of them.
The biggest danger in facing off against a McCain is that he might be under the mind control of the Svengali-like Cheney, Prince of Darkness. In this case, he is likely to be lethally aggressive and even more unpredictable than usual.
I don't think it's fair to say McCain supports torture. He's consistently spoken out against it from the beginning, and the bill that people point to saying he flip flopped is one that he's said he objected to on the grounds of the one standard for all our forces. Senate bills are always complex with myriad issues members can be opposed to or in favor of, so there's always layers to such votes.
It might be splitting hairs a little, but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on this specific issue given his history of opposition to it.
given his history of opposition to it
3 words: Campaign. Finance. Reform.
He's a chameleon who morphs to whatever has the best chance of winning him votes. I actually supported him in 2000 when he was a "straight shooter no-nonsense reformer". Now? Not so much.
c'mon, 1st/2nd edition D&D references? You guys are all as out of touch as McCain! D&D is in it's 4th edition now and better than ever.
He's a chameleon who morphs to whatever has the best chance of winning him votes.
I'm pretty sure that's just cynical slang for "politician."
Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning to vote for him or anything, but people buying into such misrepresentations of votes is part of what prevents the American people from choosing the candidate that really represents them, and I don't want to be a part of that.
@ #13 you better be cool fanboy, or i'm gonna have the master of flowers on your ass.
God Bless the D&D crowd.
McCain and his crew will never live this down!
I once came by a bottomless chamberpot passing a search check with a 20...then a very large group of Kobolds (isn't it always?). Passed all my checks and cast shrink on them, then threw them all in the chamberpot before they had a chance to recover.
I imagine there's a lot of angry mages charging up magic missiles with McCain's name on them right now ^_^
Alright, now let's see Cheney's stats.
I told you McCain, you can't get away with blespheming D&D, YOU'LL PAY!!!!
VOTE McCAIN! He'll get those kids off the lawn!
I honestly hope McCain loses this election so we can all quip about how he lost his saving roll versus Obama.
Anyone remember the old DOS game, President Elect?
According to the Bush Administration's definition of torture, McCain wasn't tortured at all, so he really isn't one to speak on the subject, as he never experienced it.
Looking for fellow adventures to rid the Realms of a great evil called McCain. It will involve a perilous journey to the gates of Hell but the rewards will be well worth it. What's terrifying is the possibility that during his captivity he could of been shipped to "Manchuria" for "re-education". The Chinese had this planned all along, grooming him for presidency. Since that was 40 years ago they probably thought using the word "Georgia" to activate his brain-washed mind would never come up. Damn were they wrong! He could have low level thief abilities-might of stolen medals from his prison mates. "At what point does a baby get human rights?" old Dungeon Master proverb.