Unusual home invasion in Ohio (Update: fake? real!)
From Ohio's Beacon Journal, this breaking news:
UPDATE: In the comments section, Dave says: "I think you guys were had on this one. A search of ohio.com does not bring this article up."A 38-year-old Cole Avenue man reported that his home was invaded on Sept. 9. The man said he was sitting home alone masturbating and watching a pornographic movie when a man came down into the basement, holding a gun, and started to videotape him. The man said that before he left, the intruder fed his dog some mushrooms and the dog died.
UPDATE 2:
In a selfless quest for the truth, I sacrificed $2.95 to buy the 3000-word "Crime Watch" section from the September 21, 2003 edition of the Akron Beacon. Yes, the article really did appear in the paper. (Click on image for enlargement)
(Via Yes But No But Yes)
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Yeah, I hate when that happens.
Breaking news? I hope that was tongue in cheek :)
I think Ohio is a planet about 5 light years away, so the freshest news we can get from there took place in 2003.
This may have been my first real ROFLCHOKE since Lasagna Cat was going around.
When can I watch this on You Tube?
Link?
You kind of wonder who really had mushrooms.
worst part they don't mention is he took my magazine when he left
I think you guys were had on this one. A search of ohio.com does not bring this article up.
http://nl.newsbank.com/nl-search/we/Archives?p_product=AK&p_theme=ak&p_action=search&p_maxdocs=200&s_site=ohio&s_trackval=AK&p_text_search-0=38-year-old%20AND%20Cole%20AND%20Avenue%20AND%20man&s_dispstring=38-year-old%20Cole%20Avenue%20man%20AND%20date(2003)&p_field_date-0=YMD_date&p_params_date-0=date:B,E&p_text_date-0=2003&xcal_numdocs=20&p_perpage=10&p_sort=_rank_:D&xcal_ranksort=4&xcal_useweights=yes&s_trackval=
I really want to know what the 13-year-old was arrested for.
This made me think of my favorite joke from The Critic:
"Don't worry son, I superglued the silverware to the ceiling so they couldn't get to it."
[shot of silverware glued to ceiling pans to show the dog is also glued up there]
"Dad? I understand the silverware, but why the dog?"
"You UNDERSTAND the silverware?"
Aww, the dog died. :'(
Whoa. I live in Akron, and we used to subscribe to the Beacon Journal. I just asked my GF if she remembered pointing this very article out to me when it was published, and she agreed that it was in the paper. Weirdest story I'd seen in the papers since the John Wayne Bobbitt story broke.
Yeah, if you look close, you can see what seems to be another brief's text ABOVE the highlighted brief. It looks like they just cut up the Ohio paper's brief rail and stuck it on this story.
That said, the story came from SOMEWHERE...
I want to believe
According to the comments on reddit.com, this is not a fake: http://reddit.com/info/6brpb/comments/
Yeah, it doesn't come up in the archives as far as I can tell.
I'll try LexisNexis at work.
We'll get to the bottom of this!
Everyday I work very hard at not saying defaming things about OHIO and it's populace.
As you may know it's a very difficult task I've set for myself.
I blame James Woods and Roy Scheider for this.
Whoa. Well, it appears I'm too late as the mystery's already been solved, but it's got the correct typeface and format to be a Beacon Journal item (this from a former Beacon paperboy), so I woulda said it was the real deal from the get-go. And my relatives wonder why I moved! Actually, some of said relatives might've actually seen this in the paper had they not all been in North Carolina for my wedding, which was two days prior, Sept. 19, 2003!
And Sonny, go 'head and say whatever you want...I gave up defending my home state the day after the primary!
My wife's family is from Akron. I'm convinced it's actually the hellmouth. There's crime and weirdness everywhere, but Akron always seems to take it one step beyond.
Everywhere has jealous husbands who kill their wives' lovers. Only in Akron would he chase the victim through the restaurant where he worked, wearing a ninja outfit, scalp him in the alley behind the restaurant, and get caught with the scalp hanging from his rear view mirror.
Everywhere has people who rob convenience stores. Only in Akron would someone rob a convenience store with a cup of gas and a lighter as their weapon, go on to do this many more times successfully, and then finally get caught by raising a gas station attendant's suspicions by showing up with a mason jar and trying to buy a quarter's worth of gas.
Just today, a woman was denied parole in the murder of her cousin, who she lured to a house on the request of a friend who proceeded to kill him over a shared attraction to a stripper, then behead him, drive the corpse to West Virginia and set it on fire.
It's just that kind of town.
Poor guy's dog probably got into his 'shroom stash and he freaked so bad he made up this weird story when the cops showed up. After he called them. You know, because he was upset.
Either way, yeah, dead dog... straight bummer.
Well, if I've learned anything from TV cop shows, it's "tell the cops the truth, even if it's embarrassing-- they're probably going to find it out anyway." (Although I do wonder about that mushroom/dog part.) At least the paper didn't reveal the victim's name.
Doesn't anybody ever f**king knock anymore?!?
ok, now the video needs to make it to youtube...
if you ran the image server for the newspaper archive, how much would you charge to alter an image? Still, I'm sure it's real. as real as anything else anyway. whatever that's good for these days. lol
It sounds like I need to move to Akron for some excitement, my kind of town.
Lesson Learned: Lock the damn door when watching pornos and masturbating.
I looked this up on Factiva. It did run in the Beacon-Journal and is archived for posterity in the Factiva database.
I thought Cleveland was the hellmouth.
it moves around
Nores - when referring to the beheadee you should, of course, have used "whom", not "who".
I dream of something like this happening to me when I'm masturbating. That guy is so lucky.
Minus the dog part.
Ceiling cat doesn't seem so bad now.
Please note that you could have saved your $2.95 by using article databases at your local public (or nearby academic) library.
[I was able to find it using an article database called America's Newspapers.]
And, nowadays, you should be able to access these resources without ever having to leave your computer (or your house, or your workplace).
Just a reminder from a friendly librarian,
Adam Burke
Aurora, IL