Presidential candidates as Monster Manual monsters
LinkJohn McCain (Demon Prince of Republicans.) (Lesser God.)
FREQUENCY: Very rare
NO APPEARING: 1
ARMOUR CLASS: -7
MOVE: 3" (72" per flight sector on the campaign jet)
HIT DICE: 200 hit points (But first you have to defeat 4d8 Secret Service Agents)
% IN LAIR: 0%
TREASURE TYPE: All your NATO base are belong to us!
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: Invades Iran. Takes 100d20 casualties in first strike while inflicting 20 x 100d20 civilian casualties. Followed by war of attrition, economic collapse, recrimination.
SPECIAL ATTACKS: 5% chance of 30,000 Megaton nuclear first strike on Upper Volta.
SPECIAL DEFENSES: +3 or better weapon to hit. In event of combat, 20% chance of heart attack per round, followed by the swearing in of President Santorum. You wouldn't want that, would you?)
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 80% (10% vs. mind control spells by Cheney.)
INTELLIGENCE: Normal.
CHARISMA: 12 (16 to neocons)
ALIGNMENT: Chaotic evil if under control of Cheney; otherwise Chaotic neutral.
SIZE: M
LEVEL/X.P. VALUE: X/29,950* (* for impeachment)A huge, ancient, carnivorous dinosaur from the swamps at the heart of Republican country, not unlike Godzilla in appearance and wrinkled integument, McCain has seen better years. Nevertheless he can breathe fire and threaten to stomp flat the capital city of any country that Fox News disapproves of with the best of them.
The biggest danger in facing off against a McCain is that he might be under the mind control of the Svengali-like Cheney, Prince of Darkness. In this case, he is likely to be lethally aggressive and even more unpredictable than usual.
(Image: John McCain Seattle, a Creative Commons Attribution licensed photo from Soggy Dan's Flickr stream)
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I'm only here because it IS self-serving. I'm here to become a meme vector of one of sf's best and brightest talents (and his crew). Spoileralertahead, if you're not a fan of the man, why are you here at all? Geez, he's not perfect, but his words are magic. Have you even read his books?
It's Democratic presidential nominee, not Deomcrat presidential nominee. See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Democrat_Party_(phrase)
Everyone knows Republicans are Lawful. Changing laws is working within the system and therefore Lawful.
The above is merely one of the problems with McCain's MM entry.
I love the McCain photo!! "Allow me to fellate you, Lord Vader!"
Right... Those aren't biased at all... At least let a Republican write the ones about the Democrats.
I mean... They left out all of Hillary's special attacks!
"At least let a Republican write the ones about the Democrats."
I strongly suspect that Charles Stross is not a member of the Democratic party -- especially considering he isn't even an American.
They'll all use the government to destroy the economy anyway. Whether it be the Dems throwing money away on socialist healthcare, or the Republicans bleeding money on the Iraq war, they all suck. I might actually vote for Nader this year, not because I'm particularly enamored by him, but because the rest of these fools need a wake up call and Nader needs to get 5% of the popular vote for green party federal funding. Then real change can happen.
Ya know Enochrewt, that's the funniest thing I've read in sometime. It's so full of stupid that I can't even begin to unpack it.
I really don't care about this post from a political standpoint, but from a D&D standpoint - this is possibly the worst D&D parody I have ever seen. If you want to have fun conforming political candidates to D&D stat entries, at least know what a D&D stat entry looks like.
under "Special defenses", never could understand why that fellow named himself after THAT stuff....
Spellgage, I'm guessing you're not aware that Stross contributed to the Fiend Folio.
Thanks #7. I didn't realize that people outside of the US couldn't have political leanings towards one US political party or the other.
I'll also see all of my independent friends in a whole new light now that I know being unaffiliated means they have no opinion.
(Not being a US citizen doesn't mean you're any less likely to be biased about US politics. In fact, depending on where you're from, it may be more likely.)
However, I'm saddened by the (perhaps temporary) loss of Samantha Power, and an unwillingness (so far) for Obama to overtly link the deficit financing of the Iraq war to the destabilization of the currency. Instead of patronizing the trade unions and backing a withdrawal "plan" juxtaposing "later" to McCain and Hillary's "eventually", he has an opportunity in these weeks leading up to April 22nd to declare that the occupation of Iraq is causes (through inflation of the currency) the deepening and elongating recession in the United States economy.
Of course, this was the issue Ron Paul was correct about on "day one".
A Vorpal Sword +5 should cut him down to size.
Ummmm... Spellcage?
Number of years I've been using Charlie's monsters: 28.
Number of years my players have enjoyed me using Charlie's monsters: 28.
Number of years my players have feared me using Charlie's monster: 28
Number of seconds I'm going to remember your name: 28 (if I pinch myself).
Beg it, buy it, or steal it, but for god's sake get a clue.