Warren Ellis's angry, profane Three Laws of Robotics
Warren Ellis's profane and angry take on the Three Laws of Robotics is good reading -- especially if you envision the future as an organic process where "laws" are emergent phenomena arising from lots of individual, uncoordinated actors (e.g., the Internet) instead of a centrally planned affair contrived by Wise Men in white robes (the Foundation).
2. Robots do not want to have sex with you. Are you listening, Japan? I don’t have a clever comparative simile for this, because frankly you bags of meat will fuck bicycles if they’re laying down and not putting up a fight. Just stop it. There is no robot on Earth that wants to see a bag of meat with a small prong on the end approaching it with a can of WD-40 and a hopeful smile. And don’t get me started on that terrifying hole that squeezes out more bags of meat.Link
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FUNNY! Awesome find, really started me saturday off right. I love the robot meme, this is definitely for fans of Where's my Jetpack and When Robots Attack.
Mr. Fitz anti-angry 3 laws of robotics:
1. Robots don't think.
2. Robots don't want.
3. Fuck you Warren.
I have no idea who this Warren Ellis is, but thank you for linking to his very attractive blog with good bits of writing on it. Bookmarked.
"And don’t get me started on that terrifying hole that squeezes out more bags of meat."
I love this sentence more than cheap poutin, and that's saying a lot.
#3: Shhh... don't let him hear you say that. I think it's Internet blasphemy
Esther: He writes comic books, usually the superhero variety with biting commentary. Call them superhero comics for people who used to like superhero comics. (He did one that essentially had a Superman type and a Batman type as lovers.)
This sounds like typical Ellis, and I love a lot of his comics, but I wonder who the first guy was to refer to robots calling humans "meat bags". Because if it's Futurama, then Ellis could have been a little more creative here.
...No, Warren has #2 totally wrong. It's not that robots don't want to have sex with humans, it's just that robots don't want to have sex with *Warren Ellis*.
@Esther: Warren actually "writes" comic books, although about 2/3 of the time he can't meet a deadline to save his ass. On occasion he comes up with an oddball concept that actually works, but winds up screwing his own pooch by failing to turn his work in on time. Google on "Ministry of Space" and see the 203 different excuses he had for why that mini's last issue was almost three years late. It's almost as if he ripped off the entire Max Klinger manual on Hardship Discharge Excuses from M*A*S*H!!!
"Father dying. Mother dying. Father and Mother dying. Sister pregnant, Mother dying. Father pregnant, Mother and Sister dying. Half the family pregnant, the other half dying."
Nope. Warren Ellis sure doesn't deserve to be writing comics...:p
Ellis can scream this from the top of Mt. Fuji, but Japanese men will never give up their dream of humping robots.
@ #7: it's ironic then that he began his career writing for 'Deadline' magazine...
I think that the problem here is that people just can't grasp the magnificent genius that is Warren Ellis. So, without further ado, I present Warren Ellis' Three Laws of Warren Ellis.
1. Warren doesn't care what you think, because he's a bleeding-edge genius and you're a pathetic cat-piss man who is still living in his mother's basement. The fact that Warren has had an online forum in one place or another for the last decade doesn't mean that he cares what you think, because they're really for cool people, especially if they're young women who post pics of themselves in corsets. (It's a bleeding-edge genius thing, you wouldn't understand. Or you're just jealous. Or something.)
2. Warren does not write "superhero" comics, he writes "pervert suit" comics. And he only writes them because you, being a cat-piss-man-fanboy, aren't buying enough of Warren's non-pervert-suit output. Your excuse for not doing so--that Warren tends to repeat certain genres or tropes, such as the superhumanly-accurate gunslinger on the run from the Man, or the older man with a cute, much-younger female assistant, that you either weren't interested in in the first place, or got tired of because of their repeated appearance in Warren's work, or whatever--is irrelevant.
3. Dn't sk bt th cbrng ncdnt. Wht cbrng ncdnt? xctl.
@Halloween Jack (A real cool cat, natch): Actually, there's the three counterlaws of Warren Ellis that need to be posted in all fairness:
1) When it comes to cat piss, Warren is an expert in the same way that Howard Hughes was with his own - he bottles the stuff and has a vast collection.
2) The primary reason these days "superheroes" are referred to as "underwear perverts" can be attributed to Warren having written them that way for most of his career. Ergo, the old adage of "he who smelt it, dealt it" applies to Warren having made the "underwear pervert" claim in the first place.
3) It's difficult to understand you with your head up your ass, Warren, Try pulling it out and giving that third law another try :p
Warren Ellis is an angry old man, worshipped by people who love reading angry old men comic characters who swear a lot and take insane loads of drugs and booze. These characters are always the same, but the name occasionaly changes.
While you're at it, back away from the vacuum cleaner. Your appliances don't love you any more than your robots.
After seeing ASIMO recently, I've determined these as the three rules of robotics...
1. A robot must flog off Honda products at every given opportunity;
2. A robot must crack onto any woman who comes within coo-ee;
3. A robot must be given the personality of an annoying, precocious kid.
More here: http://knatkniht.blogspot.com/2007/12/asimo-or-asimoron.html
Wow. Apparently in the future robots are going to be jerks. Another example of the future turning out like Futurama in unexpected ways.
Looks like Cory killed Warren Ellis's server.
the likliest AI personality type to come: Skaffen-Amtiskaw from Iain Banks' Use of Weapons
I think that OM has a thing for Warren.
It appears that he knows that Warren doesn't reciprocate.
Love hertz.
2. Robots do not want to have sex with you. Are you listening, Japan?
The characteristics of a certain fetish subculture cannot be attributed to an entire nation, even if it makes for 'funnier' blog-writing. Are you listening, Internet?
If something isn't your cup of tea (like Warren Ellis--who is like really strong black tea with no sugar in the cup), don't pick up the teapot.
Some people hate Warren Ellis. Some (like me) enjoy occasionally giving into our biting cynicism, and then we really like Mr. Ellis. Fact is, some people flock to things they hate just to moan.
And #19: We know fetish subculture cannot be attributed to an entire nation--just like any stereotype or subculture. It's just that Japan is so repressed in every single way, that their subculture is the only fascinating part of an otherwise very, very straight-laced culture. At least, they WANT everyone to think they have no crimes or kinky sex (though kinky sex is HARDLY a crime).
Japan just has a flare for the odd that just isn't congruent with the way they wish to be seen--they should EMBRACE their subculture and just have some good ol' maverick spirit...though I admit no mainstream culture is weird enough for me--the US, too, is frankly pretty boring and normal on its surface.
And ANYTHING can be said for humor's sake--it's harmless fun. If someone's too stupid to differentiate between humor and reality, they should get off my internets!
@#19:
"The characteristics of a certain fetish subculture cannot be attributed to an entire nation, even if it makes for 'funnier' blog-writing. Are you listening, Internet?"
Jeannieh = fail
...Of course, there *is* the rumor that's gone around for a couple of years now that Warren's favorite masturbation toy is a fur-covered Rhoomba :P
I can see why people don't like him. It's hard to pin down exactly why, but his writing is like distilled annoyingness. Biting cynicism can be wonderful and human and strangely life-affirming when someone like Charlie Brooker does it, but here it feels more like that awful, skull-crushing sensation you get when a very stupid person is acting patronising towards you.
Antipax @12: Someone has to speak for us profane, boozy, drug-addled, angry old men.
I loled. Mostly at all the Warren Ellis hate. Clearly the internet is serious business. Clearly.
I don't hate Warren. I went out and bought and read 'Fell' like a good lil' fan boy. I get annoyed with him though, his word isn't law. It wouldn't pass for law on a rainey tuesday. Stop treating it as if it was.
Warren is a bearded english dude that writes stories. You know, the ones you could write if you weren't praising or hating him on the inter web. Show us something new.
By the way, I could totally kick Warren Ellis ass.
Whoa, creepy thread. Brought about by violated fantasies?
I like books with drawings in them. It's not that I'm illiterate and have bad taste; it's that I'm "illiterate" and have "bad taste."
@Kaosdevice: Would you take $20.00 USD in exchange for proving your claim? :)
"And don’t get me started on that terrifying hole that squeezes out more bags of meat."
Hmmm...is Ellis channeling Dave Sims these days?
@6 "meat bags"
was it that Star Trek:TNG with the silicone creatures that referred to the crew as "ugly bags of mostly water"?
A wee bit of clarification: I'm not a Warren Ellis hater. I enjoyed Nextwave quite a lot, and still take a peek at his output occasionally to see if it's anything that I might enjoy.
What I really don't have any patience for are personality cults, particularly when the person in question encourages and nurtures the cult. It's just a little irksome when otherwise intelligent people buy into it.
Oh jeez. Is there anything more annoying than an anthropomorphized robot?
Why, yes, there is. Thanks for asking!
...you bags of meat will fuck bicycles if they’re laying down and not putting up a fight.
That should by lying down, Warren.
Please.
that should be "be"
lol @ #33/#34
Internet lesson 2568: When you give someone a grammar-lashing always be sure you use proper grammar yourself...