The 9 most badass Bible verses
Funny Cracked article about nine "badass" parts of the Bible.
(When did Sylvester P. Smythe's humor magazine start using such naughty words?)
We've all been there. You're walking along, minding your own business, when a gang of cocky, young bastards start hurling abuse at you. Most of us would just keep walking, or maybe, yell some insults back or flip them the bird. Elisha (commonly regarded as the Luke Skywalker to the Prophet Elijah's Obi-Wan Kenobi), however, decides to take it one step further. Invoking the name of God, he summons motherfucking bears to come and claw the shit out of them.Link (Thanks, Michael!)Christians are constantly asking for prayer in schools to help get today's kids in line, but we beg to differ. We need bears in schools. If every teacher had the power to summon a pair of child-maiming grizzly avengers, you can bet that schoolchildren nowadays would be the most well-behaved, polite children, ever. It's a simple choice: listen to the biology lesson, or get first-hand knowledge of the digestive system of Ursus horribilis.
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"What one man can do, another can do. Say it with me Bob."
-Anthony Hopkins "The Edge"
They got most of the obvious ones. I would have made a slightly better list, since I read the Bible 6 times a year. But, not bad-I would have used about 5 of those 9 on my top ten list.
"When did Sylvester P. Smythe's humor magazine start using such naughty words?"
after it was bought and they attempted to turn it into a maxim-esque magazine, which then failed after a few issues. Then they resorted to an entirely online buisness model consisting of top ten lists supplemented with youtube videos and the occasional funny piece by mike nelson or jay pinkerton (often cannibalized from his already large library of yucks)
WHAT ONE MAN CAN DO, ANOTHER CAN DO!
From Old Man Murray:
Not much of a miracle, if you ask me. Bears are always tearing up teenagers. If he'd sent a pair of sloths or a swarm of locusts or something that had killed the 42 teens, I'd be much more impressed.
I most definitely think that teachers should be able to bring bears into classrooms.
I'm not sure how it gets much more badass than Chapter 25 of Numbers, wherein Moses's great nephew Pinchas takes a spear, follows a guy into his tent and runs through the guy and his Moabite ladyfriend as they're having sex.
"I'm not sure how it gets much more badass than Chapter 25 of Numbers"
If you think murder is Badass, the Saudis are going to lash and and imprison a teen gang rape victim. She was, after all, riding in a car with a male she wasn't related to.
humans: violently imposing moral principles since...well... probably from the start.
Do they even have bears in that part of the world? And if they do are they the "teenager-eatin'" type of bear?
Funny- I just did something similar with my rotting pumpkins:
http://www.glyphjockey.com/2007/11/decay.html
Truly the word of GOD.
Towtansua, we have got to hear your list. Please?
Lex10, what's your list?
AWESOME-O!
I got the impression that Cracked was following the advice of the late Michael O'Donoghue, who got called to run Saturday Night Live following the disastrous 1980 season, and said that, if the ship is going down, set it on fire and make it into a Viking funeral. Of course, O'Donoghue is dead and SNL is still going strong, but hey, it's the principle of the thing.
Can't actually see the Cracked site behind this filter, but for my money the most perverse Bible verses have to do with Lot getting raped by his daughters.
Notice how it's always 42 this and 42 that? Douglas Adams was really onto something...
This Bible verse is very popular amongst the bald-headed men in my family.
A while ago, I found a hilarious and actually pretty gory animation of the story of Elisha and the bears, called "Don't Dis Elisha!":
http://www.seanet.com/~billr/xbs/DontdisElisha.htm
It's too bad that Colbert is on strike; this would have merited an entire segment from him.
Stupid kids, were they just standing around waiting politely for their turn to be mauled? I don't think even badass Biblical bears can maul 21 kids at a time; I would have shoved whoever was standing next to me at the bears and ran for it.
"It's too bad that Colbert is on strike; this would have merited an entire segment from him."
Elisha would definitely be on notice.
I think I'd prefer to get tased for a bit of mouthing off, rather than mauled.
Seriously are there no New Testament scholars among you?
Even the ever benevolent, violence hating, peace loving and generally good natured Jesus Christ has his moments of badassery...
Matthew 10:34-36
Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn
“a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter–in–law against her mother–in–law a man's enemies will be the members of his own household"
Yes it is a reference to Micah 7:6 which is real emo... but hey... Jesus doesn't bring peace. He wants to bring you a sword and divide your own house against itself. Don't get more baddass than that.
I think I'd prefer to get tased for a bit of mouthing off, rather than mauled.
Mauled to death that is...
Don't maul me, bro!
I made a short animated film of the (very bloody) Elisha/bears/kids story and it was shown by a number of film festivals in the US, Europe, and Canada a few years back.
I just put it up on Youtube for more widespread enjoyment. Watch for the scene set in God's "Intelligent Design" laboratory!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWkhtcGfdWs
or watch it at ExtremeBibleStories.com.
Don't maul me, bro! - Brilliant!