# If you're on the street corner selling coke and you see the cops coming to bust you don't eat all your coke.

# Always wait until finishing your woodwork with the skillsaw prior to using your meth.

# don’t sit out on your front porch reading the bible and minding your own business at 2 AM unless you are praying to be shot

# No matter how annoyed you are at being incarcerated dont slash open your scrotum and shove razor blades up your urethra.

# Latex paint, despite being thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide the same relief as pepto-bismol.

# If you are going to get into a fight, and have a prosthetic eye, make sure you take it out first… and, for safe keeping, shove it up your vagina….

# if you are going to have a leg amputated in a car accident be very sure that the neighborhood dog is not lurking in the area…they tend to take what they can get.