Hilarious essentialist comparisons of English and other tongues

This list of "Essentialist" descriptions of English (scroll around on the page for essentialist characterizations of other languages) made me laugh aloud six times before I even hit the scrollbar. These esentialist statements take the form "Language X is essentially language Y under conditions Z."

English is essentially any other language spoken with a very hot potato in one's mouth. --Ivan Derzhanski (based on Alain LaBonté on Swiss French)

English is essentially Low German plus even lower French minus any sense of culture. --Danny Weir

English is what you get from Normans trying to pick up Saxon girls. --Bryan Maloney

English is essentially French converted to 7-bit ASCII. --Christophe Pierret [for Alain LaBonté]

Inglish iz issenshali a langwidje dhat, wen rittun fonetkli, iz ilejibul tu netiv spikerz. --Peter Bleackley

Link (via Making Light)