How to Apologize

By at 2:01 am Friday, Jan 2

This LiveJournal post explaining how to apologize is a fine read, and particularily nice to start the year with. I did my share of apology-worth things in 2003, and I expect there will be any number deeds in 2004: if I can hew to these guidelines when saying sorry, I'll be a better person for it.
Be Specific and Don't Exaggerate: Avoid hyperbole, exaggeration, self-pity, and vagueness. Instead, try to focus on a realistic and specific approximation of what you actually did wrong. Exaggerations and vague generalizations put the other person in the position of defending you instead of accepting an apology, which isn't fair to them. It's a way of (consciously or unconsciously) weaseling out of actually taking responsibility for your actions. For example:

* I'm sorry I was such a pain in the ass. (self-pitying exaggeration)
* I'm sorry I yelled at you. (better)

* I'm sorry I ruined our whole day. (vague exaggeration)
* I'm sorry I lost my temper in front of your friends. (better)

* I'm sorry. I just suck at this stuff. (vague self-pity)
* I'm sorry I wasn't communicating with you very well about how I was feeling. (better)

* I'm sorry I can't do anything right. (self-pitying, vague exaggeration)
* I'm sorry I ruined your shirt by drying it on "Hot". (better)

These kinds of pseudo-apologies often work to inspire in a caring person the desire to comfort you, to say that it's really not all that bad, etc. Miraculously, you are relieved from actually have to talk about what you did do, because you've redirected the conversation toward things you didn't do. Sneaky. Manipulative.

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Cory Doctorow

Upcoming appearances

* Feb 9, 2012, DeKalb, IL: Day of Doctorow, NIU
* Feb 10-12, 2012, Chicago, IL: Capricon 32
* Feb 13, 2012, Arlington, TX: UT Arlington College of Engineering Distinguished Speaker Series
* Feb 16, 2012, Victoria, BC: 13th Annual Privacy and Security Conference

Recent books:
* Context (essays)
* With a Little Help (short stories)
* For the Win (YA novel)
* Makers (adult novel)

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